Sleeping with my housemate..

xyz1 · 04-03-2009 6:19pm #1

Hey, need some advice. Have got myself into a pretty messy situation.

About 6 months ago I moved into a house with one of my best friends sisters. Shes 34 and I'm 26. We didnt really know each other all that well before we moved in together but I didnt forsee any hassle. We hit it off instantly, not in a romantic sense, but we just got on really well together. I found it really easy to be around her and we'd always have a good laugh together. A couple of months later another girl moved in, who neither of us knew, but shes lovely and we both get on really well with her.

At some stage when our other housemate was away we ended up sleeping on a couch together, nothing sexual, just cuddled up together drunkenly asleep. We had a bit of a laugh about it the next day and got over the initial uneasiness. However, a couple of weeks later, after another night of drink (its always the cause) I ended up sleeping in her bed. We had no heat in the house at the time and we were both drunk and it seemed a natural solution. Again, nothing happened. We were still getting on great.

This happened a few more times and eventually the inevitable happened. Now we do this pretty much every weekend or whenever it is only the two of us in the house. We havent had sex, everything but. We cant tell anyone though cuz her brother (my best friend) would go mad. We dont want our other housemate to find out cuz we dont want her to feel uncomfortable. We've talked about where we stand and we've said its just a bit of fun. But to be honest im falling for this girl big time. Dont know what to do. Any thoughts?

AARRRGH · 04-03-2009 6:22pm

I've been there and done that a few times! They were never my best friend's sister though! :eek:

You need to tell your friend what you're doing. It's disrespectful.

Hopefully he is cool about it.

Varkov · 04-03-2009 6:25pm

I'd say the best bet would be for the two of you to say it to him if you are going to make any sort of a go at this.

If it is just a bit of fun, I'd say you should probably leave it behind closed doors.

jim o doom · 04-03-2009 6:25pm

I'll go the opposite direction; it has LITERALLY nothing to do with your mate - especially if there's a good chance it's not going to go anywhere.

Sort out your feelings; sit down and have a chat with her because if you develop strong feelings and it's only fluff to her, then you going to get hurt. Sort it out between yourselves before you even consider talking to your mate about it.

AARRRGH · 04-03-2009 6:40pm

I always thought it was an unwritten rule to not bang your friend's sister?

LegacyUser · 04-03-2009 6:41pm

AARRRGH wrote: »

I always thought it was an unwritten rule to not bang your friend's sister?

This isn't Saudi Arabia. Since when did someone's brother have a say over who they were involved with?

xyz1 · 04-03-2009 6:43pm

AARRRGH wrote: »

I always thought it was an unwritten rule to not bang your friend's sister?

It is. It really is.
Cant tell him though. Not only would he be mad at me he'd be mad at her too.
God I'm an asshole!

But I havent banged her yet. There is some goodness left in me...

jim o doom · 04-03-2009 6:47pm

an unwritten rule amongst males who have some strange paternal ownership over the sexual rights of their sibling?

If a mate of mine wanted to be with my sis - fine that's HIS problem, I don't care.. equally I was with a mates sis - it was nothing to do with him. Your sibling is a person of their own making and they certainly do not have to answer to their brother/sister about whom they wish to be with.

To even suggest that as a "brother" you should have some sort of birthright to dictate who a sibling or friend see's - especially if it's each other - is beyond ridiculous.

I understand wanting to "protect" a sibling from perhaps an unsavoury friend, but beyond that - there's no call for it.

LolaLuv · 04-03-2009 6:48pm

Oh, cop on ffs. So you're falling for your bf's sister? So what? It isn't the ideal situation but it isn't like she's 8 years younger than you and you're just using her for sex. She's a grown woman and you like her. If your mate can't handle that then he needs to cop on as well.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 04-03-2009 7:01pm

PillyPen wrote: »

Oh, cop on ffs. So you're falling for your bf's sister? So what? It isn't the ideal situation but it isn't like she's 8 years younger than you and you're just using her for sex. She's a grown woman and you like her. If your mate can't handle that then he needs to cop on as well.

I have a feeling he'll be more annoyed at her than the OP, but I'd imagine the friendships gonna be ruined in any case

AARRRGH · 04-03-2009 7:09pm

Unregistered wrote: »

This isn't Saudi Arabia. Since when did someone's brother have a say over who they were involved with?

jim o doom wrote: »

an unwritten rule amongst males who have some strange paternal ownership over the sexual rights of their sibling?

It's called respect.

Most normal males do not want their friends banging their sister.

Beruthiel · 04-03-2009 7:13pm

xyz1 wrote: »

But to be honest im falling for this girl big time. Dont know what to do. Any thoughts?

I'm not seeing what the problem is.
She is a grown woman and does not need her brothers permission with regards to who she sees.

AARRRGH wrote:

It's called respect

I hope you're joking.

Miss Fluff · 04-03-2009 7:22pm

AARRRGH wrote: »

You need to tell your friend what you're doing. It's disrespectful.

Hopefully he is cool about it.

DO NOT TELL YOUR FRIEND:eek::eek::eek: (or any mutual friends for that matter)

And since when did consensual sex become "disrespectful"?

AARRRGH · 04-03-2009 7:28pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

I hope you're joking.

I know boards.ie is an alternate universe, but in the real world, most people understand the concept of respect.

Every normal male I know would consider it very disrespectful to sleep with their friends sister.

It's just something you don't do.

Miss Fluff wrote: »

And since when did consensual sex become "disrespectful"?

OK. I will try to explain.

Lads who grow up together know everything about each other. That includes all their sleazy habits and preferences. As a result of this, no male wants their friends banging their sister.

I shouldn't have to explain this stuff.

Dudess · 04-03-2009 7:29pm

AARRRGH wrote: »

It's called respect.

Most normal males do not want their friends banging their sister.

My brother wouldn't give a flying fuk about me having sex with his close mates (I've done so) and he's pretty darn normal to me - in fact a lot of the stuff you post reminds me of him.

And really, I can't for the life of me understand what's wrong with it so I personally feel you do need to explain. If a person fancies someone and wants to ride them and if the other person feels the same way, then they should just do so. For someone to not "allow" them is outrageous. And that brother-best friend-sister "rule" is just a load of arse which has its origins in teen TV drama (most likely Beverly Hills 90210). There is NO good reason for it to be enforced. I never hear it in relation to a girl's best friend sleeping with her brother... :rolleyes:

I thought you were all about not conforming so what's this "normal" and "it's just something you don't do" stuff about?

Beruthiel · 04-03-2009 7:37pm

AARRRGH wrote: »

Every normal male I know would consider it very disrespectful to sleep with their friends sister.

I'm talking about adult men who have grown up and understand that what their sisters do is their own business. I'm not including the neanderthal throw back types.

AARRRGH · 04-03-2009 7:41pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

I'm talking about adult men who have grown up and understand that what their sisters do is their own business. I'm not including the neanderthal throw back types.

Hang on. Everyone knows the girl can do whatever she wants. I am not saying her behaviour should be controlled or anything remotely close to that way of thinking.

I am saying, as a male who respects his friend and their friendship, he should find another girl to sleep with.

If your parents were divorced would you like your female friends to sleep with your dad? Of course not, it would be disrespectful.

This is not about control.

Dudess · 04-03-2009 7:50pm

My friends could sleep with my dad all they wanted. It might not be the most wondrous thing in the world for me but it's not about what I want... and if they're happy doing so, it would be disgusting of me to pee on that happiness.

AARRRGH wrote: »

You need to tell your friend what you're doing. It's disrespectful.

I really would love to know what's disrespectful to your mate about it/when it became a "rule". What if the girl really really wants the guy and he keeps pushing her away because her brother is his best mate... is that not awfully cruel on the girl? And the guy if he too is crazy about her? Because of this bullsh1t unwritten "rule"? That's far worse than any supposed disrespectfulness.

xyz1 wrote: »

It is. It really is.

(An unwritten rule). And have you asked yourself why?

Cant tell him though. Not only would he be mad at me he'd be mad at her too.

Why? What exactly is the problem for him?

God I'm an asshole!

Why?

There is some goodness left in me...

So there'd be badness in you for sleeping with a woman you fancy/like and she you - again, why?

jim o doom wrote: »

an unwritten rule amongst males who have some strange paternal ownership over the sexual rights of their sibling?

I know. It's just this thing that has been accepted by so many for... no reason really. It's just "the thing". I think it's far weirder for a guy to be that pre-occupied with his sister's sex life.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I have a feeling he'll be more annoyed at her than the OP, but I'd imagine the friendships gonna be ruined in any case

That would be lovely of him - "how could you sleep with my best friend? I mean... I can't think of any reason why it upsets me... a Freudian need to control who you sleep with perhaps... And you're a grown woman, what you do is none of my business... but still - WHY did you do it?!"

AARRRGH wrote: »

Every normal male I know would consider it very disrespectful to sleep with their friends sister.

I think most normal people don't care that much about others' sex lives really.

Lads who grow up together know everything about each other. That includes all their sleazy habits and preferences. As a result of this, no male wants their friends banging their sister.

Well if all men have sleazy habits and preferences, all men have sleazy habits and preferences - best mate or not. I don't think all men have sleazy habits and preferences though.

I shouldn't have to explain this stuff.

Well it ain't as self explanatory as you think...

radharc05 · 04-03-2009 7:54pm

You Poor Fella...

Ok, You need to stop stressing.
First of all let me tell you that I am a female that is 32 years of age. I have four brothers and have grown up with them and hung out with some of their friends and have 'DONE THE DEED' and 'SNOGGED' one or two of em in my time when I too was free and single. SO WHAT? NO sin has been committed and my brothers are not and were never my keepers. And my brothers have had encounters with 1 or 2 of my friends as well... DID I STRESS? NO I DID NOT. I could'nt care a less.

It does'nt and should'nt matter to your mate. Its none of his business what 2 consenting adults do.
I suggest you say nothing to him, its between you and her.
Its not an unwritten rule, thats a load of cobblers. For as long as i'm on this earth i have never heard of it!
If you had raped her, then maybe you should be bricking it.. BUT YOU hav'nt even had sex with her (well yet anyways!)

Theres obviously something there between the 2 of you - if and when that progresses then maybe say something to your mate.

As for your other flat mate, feck her as well its none of her business and she should be happy that theres a bit of love goin on and a great atmosphere to boot.

If you 2 do end up to gether and your relationship progresses and you end up having a relationship out of it then MOVE OUT, that'll solve it if she feels uneasy or uncomfortable.

There. I hope that helps.
Enjoy it and stop worrying about the next step, enjoy getting to know her

KM56 · 04-03-2009 7:58pm

if ye like each other then why not just have fun. you said it yourself, "we've said its just a bit of fun". and there is no harm in it.

if your friend was a true then he should be happy for ye that ya are keeping each other company. he might be angry or find it weird but he will have to come around to the idea.

maybe if it's just fun and nothing serious then what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

AARRRGH · 04-03-2009 8:06pm

Dudess wrote: »

I really would love to know what's disrespectful to your mate about it/when it became a "rule". What if the girl really really wants the guy and he keeps pushing her away because her brother is his best mate... is that not awfully cruel on the girl? And the guy if he too is crazy about her? Because of this bullsh1t unwritten "rule"? That's far worse than any supposed disrespectfulness.

I have no problem with a guy approaching his friend and saying he likes his sister and is considering asking her out or something like that.

But I do have a problem with a guy banging his friend's sister behind his back.

It's sneaky, and disrespectful.

I would hope my friendships are strong enough that my friends have the decency to be honest with me.

The_Conductor · 04-03-2009 8:07pm

Can't see what the problem is to be honest.
For both your sakes though- you should sit down with her and discuss where you imagine the relationship is going. With all due respect- it could very well be that one or the other has made far more relationship plans than the other. If you intend to have a relationship with her- talk to her. Fun is fun- but if you're going down the road that you have been exploring, its far more than simple fun before long.........

Dudess · 04-03-2009 8:22pm

AARRRGH wrote: »

But I do have a problem with a guy banging his friend's sister behind his back.

It's sneaky, and disrespectful.

I would hope my friendships are strong enough that my friends have the decency to be honest with me.

I thought the problem was just banging her full stop? Behind his back... well I don't see why he should feel obliged to tell the guy immediately - why should he? It's none of his business. And if anything comes of it, he'll tell him eventually.

ArphaRima · 04-03-2009 8:43pm

Just for some backup "AARRRGH"...!

I would be really really pissed off with any of my mates if they slept with any of my sisters. They would no longer be my mate. Period.

I know people who have never spoken for years after things like this.
It's like the rule you shouldn't sleep with your best friends wife, mother, daughter or grandmother. Same importance.

It might be a schoolboy rule, it might be some mad psychological thing. Whatever. The rule is: YOU DONT SLEEP WITH YOUR BEST MATES SISTER.

I understand that about all my friends, and they I. No need to ask why. It's an understanding.

Dudess · 04-03-2009 8:47pm

fluffer wrote: »

I would be really really pissed off with any of my mates if they slept with any of my sisters. They would no longer be my mate. Period.

I know people who have never spoken for years after things like this.
It's like the rule you shouldn't sleep with your best friends wife, mother, daughter or grandmother. Same importance.

It might be a schoolboy rule, it might be some mad psychological thing. Whatever. The rule is: YOU DONT SLEEP WITH YOUR BEST MATES SISTER.

I understand that about all my friends, and they I. No need to ask why. It's an understanding.

I'd beg to differ. It just screams of insecurity. I'd really love to know why it exists. And how come it's only a male friendship and female relations thing? It's seriously patronising to women.
Don't worry - they can look after themselves. They don't need their brother/father/son/grandfather to speak for them.

ArphaRima · 04-03-2009 8:56pm

Don't worry - they can look after themselves. They don't need their brother/father/son/grandfather to speak for them.

Yes it's a guy thing. But you're missing the point. It isn't because I am protecting my sister. Like you say, she can take care of herself. It's because my friend knows he shouldn't, knows I will be mightily pissed off and does it anyway.

If my sister wants to go out with her (edit -him), fine. I'll be pissed with her for a week or two. But my mate is not a mate anymore. And everyone will know why. It is one of the founding rules of friendship for men. Go figure.

Zaph · 04-03-2009 9:11pm

radharc05, the standard font is fine for posting here, additional formatting is not necessary so kindly refrain from the bold type and colours in the future please.

Zaph · 04-03-2009 9:19pm

I really fail to see the problem here. Your best mate is obviously someone you're likely to be very close to, and naturally you'd want the best for him in everything, including women. Similarly, assuming you get on with your sister, you want the very best for her, she's family after all. If you're normal and think that highly of the two of them, why would you even consider the fact that it's wrong for them to sleep together? Surely you should be pleased that two of the most important people in your life are happy? Personally I'd prefer one of my closest mates to be sleeping with any of my sisters compared to some of the losers they've lumbered themselves with over the years, and I say that as a very protective big brother.

The Ritz · 04-03-2009 9:35pm

All this stuff about what you should or shouldn't do with your mate's sister is juvenile - if ye were all about 13 I could understand that you might have such expectations, but the OP is 26 and the girl is 32 ffs. If I was that age and my older sister was falling for my mate who told me that he was falling for her in a big way (OP's words), I'd be frankly delighted.

xyz1,

If you're falling for this girl and it's clear that the girl likes you, then the two of you are grown-ups, you;re entitled to your own lives. If you both feel that ye have the potential for a relationship (and from the little you've said, that sounds kinda plausible), then you might feel more comfortable letting your friends know bit by bit, but you don't need permission.

Ritz.

LegacyUser · 04-03-2009 9:45pm

It is a bit unrealistic the situation you are in as you live together but do not have an 'outside' relationship but the hardest part to get right is the home part. As another person in the house it would make me a bit uneasy but stuff em.

On the unwritten rule, obviously it happens but blokes in pubs take about ridin' and the last thing I want to hear about is what my well older sister does on her knees.

It's not something to fall out over but it goes without saying.

radharc05 · 04-03-2009 10:00pm

Dudess wrote: »

My brother wouldn't give a flying fuk about me having sex with his close mates (I've done so) and he's pretty darn normal to me - in fact a lot of the stuff you post reminds me of him.

And really, I can't for the life of me understand what's wrong with it so I personally feel you do need to explain. If a person fancies someone and wants to ride them and if the other person feels the same way, then they should just do so. For someone to not "allow" them is outrageous. And that brother-best friend-sister "rule" is just a load of arse which has its origins in teen TV drama (most likely Beverly Hills 90210). There is NO good reason for it to be enforced. I never hear it in relation to a girl's best friend sleeping with her brother... :rolleyes:

I thought you were all about not conforming so what's this "normal" and "it's just something you don't do" stuff about?

HERE HERE.. could'nt have put it better myself

Sleeping with my housemate..

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