How long does it take?

LegacyUser

I think I'm in the middle of splitting up from someone. I'm scared of being lonely, and having to try again with someone else and possibly go through all this again. I've been so used to being with this person for so long and I'm scared to even think about losing them even though I don't know either of us are getting anything out of the relationship. How long does it take before you stop feeling sick, stop feeling like you can't get up in the mornings, and then how long before you begin to think that there is any kind of a future?

theciscokid

Depends how much you loved the person really..

but the main thing to remember is not to drag it on,, that'll ownly make things worse...

after time things will calm down and besides you can get back out there as soon as your ready, but have some fun first with your freedom

Beruthiel

How long does it take before you stop feeling sick

last time, it took me up to 6 months before I felt over it all. That's life, bit the bullet, it won't kill you and when it's done you'll feel happier, stronger and more able.
The alternative is to be unhappy for the rest of your life

You won't be lonely forever and the next time will be even better!

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by another day
I think I'm in the middle of splitting up from someone

you think?
or you are?

Originally posted by another day
I'm scared of being lonely, and having to try again with someone else and possibly go through all this again.

is that a reason to stay with someone if your heart is not in the relationship.
you are too bored to get on with living life, or the fact that you will be without someone to keep you warm at night.
i admit, ive had this, and i know what its like. so many things go through your head.
to be honest, if the relaionship is not working, then the best bet, once you have decided enough is enough, is to just end it.
short and sharp and clean.
you are going to feel pain if you stay in the relationship if its falling apart or you are unhappy, abd you are going to feel pain if you break up. but break up and the pain goes away. and it really depends on you how long it lasts, and how well you cope.

Originally posted by another day
I've been so used to being with this person for so long and I'm scared to even think about losing them even though I don't know either of us are getting anything out of the relationship

but there is only one way to know isnt there.
talk about it.
i mean if you havent talked about it, then you will never know.
in fact if you dont talk, you will never know.
if you talk, you may both see something is not right and be able to solve it.
by the way, dont mix up being comfortable with one person and your life, with loving someone.
you dont think you are getting anything aout of the relationship?
well, are you or arent you?
only you can tell us that. but if you havent talked to your other half, then you dont have enough facts i think to make a decision that you may regret.

Originally posted by another day
How long does it take before you stop feeling sick, stop feeling like you can't get up in the mornings, and then how long before you begin to think that there is any kind of a future?

you can start thinking about the future straight away.
you will feel crappy.
you will feel miserable for yourself
you will feel miserable for your partner.
you will feel like a failure to your friends and your family.
but, it goes. and depending on what you are like, you may be out scoring the next night and getting on with your own life, or you can cry yourself to sleep every night for a year. either way, you will cope, and i guess only you know what type of person you are.
you will slowly forget them, and after a few months you will not think about them all the time!

i was lucky when i split. i initiated the split. i knew the problem, i understood why i was doing it, and i knew i was going to feel awful. i also knew it was for the best and that it would be a waste of both of our time if we stayed together, because, ultimately, we would have split anyway, and i was not in a position to offer her anything that she needed beyond company and entertainment.
dont get me wrong, i didnt hate her, and i still dont. i have some memories of her. some are good, some are bad, all in the past. like your first love, or your first kiss, or your first sexual experience, or the first time you had a pint as a 'legal' 18 year old. they just become memories, and you live your life for what you have today, and not what you had 3, 5, or 10 years ago (i hope!)
hell, im engaged now, and have never been happier
so there you go.

its not that bad.

however, if you come back and tell me you have been together for 2 weeks, i will come around to your house and kill you

jammy_dodger

Give us a bit more info, ie the length and dept of the relationship, was it real love or what would be considered 'young love'(not to take away from it)

LegacyUser

ok, we're going out almost 4 years. Most of that long distance, and we decided we were madly in love after a couple of months and got engaged. Due to get married 18 months time but he's just changed and starting ignoring me and putting me down. We've just moved in together

daveg

Originally posted by another day
ok, we're going out almost 4 years. Most of that long distance, and we decided we were madly in love after a couple of months and got engaged. Due to get married 18 months time but he's just changed and starting ignoring me and putting me down. We've just moved in together

Me thinks after 4 years and the fact your engaged you need to sit down with your partner and tell them how your feeling. You both need to thrash it out and perhaps/at least take a break for a while. You can't avoid the situation you have to confront it head on.

/My tuppence.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by another day
ok, we're going out almost 4 years. Most of that long distance, and we decided we were madly in love after a couple of months and got engaged. Due to get married 18 months time but he's just changed and starting ignoring me and putting me down. We've just moved in together

talk, find out more, find out whats going on.

from the sunds of it, its a reaction to you being together. its going to take time to adjust. he (and you) have to now find ways to fit each other into your lives in a much more permanent fashion.
he may feel a little trapped and cornered now that he sees you every day. he may feel he has lost his freedom, and now that you see each other everyday, that warm glowing special feeling when you talk may have sdwindled a bit.

but fear not!

the fact is that you may feel the same?

but you really need to talk.

he may not be able to express these, but they sound very like what i felt like when i lived with my previous.
although, i had been there before, so i knew that what i was feeling was actually what i was
but you can convince him that he is not trapped or anything. basically, talk to each other. if you havea good relationship you should be able to talk. if you can talk you will really get the information you need.

and when youve done that, then you will find out if you are good together, or if it has been a mistake, and put it down to experience.

either way, talk to him, and make him understand that you are just as afraid as he is.

lena

Sounds like maybe the 'moving in together' might be the cause, especially if you had a long distance relationship before.
Maybe you both just need some space for a while.

thedrowner

nobody can tell you how long it's gonna take for you to get over it, but you will, in your own time. i have a friend in a similar situation to yours (relationship lasted 2 1/2 years though) but it ended 2 months ago and shes doing fine now. she was going away for the summer and he though it'd be too much of a strain on the relationship as they barely saw eachother anyway, so he wanted to break up, but not until she left. all the time though he was putting her down and like you said, they werent getting anything out of the relationship anymore.

it was really hard for her to convince herself that she was doing the right thing by ending it because hse was so in love with him, and even when friends put it plainly to her and pointed out how cruel he was being she just couldnt do it until she convinced herself. it was SO hard, and when she did end things, it didnt help that he started bombarding her with calls and requests to get back together, but she is fine now. And you will be fine with time, just do whatever it is you have to do to get over it, be it talking with friends or throwing yourself into work.

Nevyn

Men change when you get a place together and are starting to settlle down.

A lot of thier attudiudes change once your washing thier underwear for them.

How dies he treat his mother ?
How does his father treat his mother ?

We all take on more of those who are our role models when we are children then we realise.

Think long and hard for do you really want this for the next 10 yrs or worse to be stuck in this type of marraige.

At this stage is is very hard but you can walk away, i asume you dont have kids at this stage and be glad you find this out now then later.

mooman_00

Originally posted by Thaed
A lot of thier attudiudes change once your washing thier underwear for them.

Sure they would. In fact if you washed any of my clothes id drop you quicker then a handfull of shiit as you'd prob be the type of personh who would think that washing my clothes would please me, when in fact you'd prob just shrink/dye them and make me realise how little i like you.

More than likely the poor fella is unused to having to put up with a woman in his living space. Especially when most women become irratibly annoying when you have to share space with them. I agree with give him space, not the break up kind but the not on eachothers backs all day long kind.

edit/ I think the problem is that they've never really been that close before, the jump from long distance to living together is probably whats making everything odd for the both of you.



erm, mooman, that language wasn't necessary, I edited it. Gordon

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

mooman_00

Sorry


/off to stand in the corner

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Emboss

Originally posted by Thaed
Men change when you get a place together and are starting to settlle down.

A lot of thier attudiudes change once your washing thier underwear for them.

How dies he treat his mother ?
How does his father treat his mother ?

We all take on more of those who are our role models when we are children then we realise.

Think long and hard for do you really want this for the next 10 yrs or worse to be stuck in this type of marraige.

At this stage is is very hard but you can walk away, i asume you dont have kids at this stage and be glad you find this out now then later.

I don't think PEOPLE change when you get a place together what does happen is ususally you see a side to your partner you have never ever seen before and end up living in each others pockets alot more, so the overall relationship changes not just the MAN, as for how does he treat his mother ? how does his father treat his mother ? is usually ****e mothers say to their daughters, a more important question is how does he treat people, if someone doesn't treat their mother with respect they might have a very good reason for this and makes no idication of how he we will treat you, as for how long it takes to get over someone how long is a peice of string ? I don't think this should be a deciding factor if you break it off with him or not, if you don't want to be in the relationship anymore get out of it. staying in one because you don't want to be "lonley" probably means you have more issues that go on beyond the scope of this forum. good luck with what ever road you take.

mooman_00

Originally posted by Emboss
I don't think PEOPLE change when you get a place together what does happen is ususally you see a side to your partner you have never ever seen before and end up living in each others pockets alot more, so the overall relationship changes not just the MAN, as for how does he treat his mother ? how does his father treat his mother ? is usually ****e mothers say to their daughters, a more important question is how does he treat people, if someone doesn't treat their mother with respect they might have a very good reason for this and makes no idication of how he we will treat you, as for how long it takes to get over someone how long is a peice of string ? I don't think this should be a deciding factor if you break it off with him or not, if you don't want to be in the relationship anymore get out of it. staying in one because you don't want to be "lonley" probably means you have more issues that go on beyond the scope of this forum. good luck with what ever road you take.

Well said.............

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by Emboss
as for how does he treat his mother ? how does his father treat his mother ?

actually, i think that is a pretty important thing to look at.
if chap goes through his adolecence taking a role model from his father who abuses and puts down his mother, he is going to grow up thinking that this is the norm.

its all about conditioning.
it doesnt mean he has to be a mammys boy, but i would never be with anyone who didnt respect their parents. god, how are they going to respect anyone else?

Emboss

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
actually, i think that is a pretty important thing to look at.
if chap goes through his adolecence taking a role model from his father who abuses and puts down his mother, he is going to grow up thinking that this is the norm.

its all about conditioning.
it doesnt mean he has to be a mammys boy, but i would never be with anyone who didnt respect their parents. god, how are they going to respect anyone else?

sorry but that's a pile of emm well ****e, everyone reacts to things differently, if someone grows up with a violent father which i know of many, actually grow up to much better people for it they see pain and devistation it causes and go the other way. parents are people if your parents bounced you off the four walls for most of your life would you respect them for that ? no so looking at the way he treats one person i.e. his mother has nothing to do with it, like i said it's how he treats people in general, respect is earned and even parents have to earn it,

mavedic

It will be a very long and hard road if you decide to split up, but if you're seriously thinking about it this much then it would seem to be the right thing to do. Just because something is going to be hard doesn't mean it shouldn't be done. It will make you more self-confident and stronger in the long run. But talking is the most important thing in any relationship. How does he feel about the situation? He might be feeling the same way as you, and it might be something that can be worked out with a little time.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by Emboss
sorry but that's a pile of emm well ****e, everyone reacts to things differently, if someone grows up with a violent father which i know of many, actually grow up to much better people for it they see pain and devistation it causes and go the other way. parents are people if your parents bounced you off the four walls for most of your life would you respect them for that ? no so looking at the way he treats one person i.e. his mother has nothing to do with it, like i said it's how he treats people in general, respect is earned and even parents have to earn it,

well, its all well and good to think its a pile of rubbish, but if you think that your parents have to earn your respect after they have breought you intot he world and (hopefully) looked after you, i would have thought your love and respect for them would be beyond question.
maybe you just are a really tough character to please?

if people dont take their role models from their parents (and im not saying thats absolute, nor am i saying that the take every sort of behavour) then where do they take them from.

with regards to parents bouncing you off four walls, hell, who would want that, but i think i was tlaking more aobut how they treat each other. if your parents are kind and considerate to ech other, would you not grown up to see that people should be kind and considerate?
if your father never cooks or cleans or helps around the house, do you think you will grow up to be a male house cleaner? i think you would probably grown up thinking that when you get married, the woman will probably automatically fall into the routine of cooking and cleaning.
i mean, it doesnt take a freud to work out that childrens role models in early years are their parents. and its ont the extreme type of behavour that people pick up. its not the 'slap people around' type stuff (although, funny enough, any of the bullies in any of my schools were always those who came from uncaring homes), more likely to pick up more subtle things. because thats what you do, you try to emulate your role models. hell, i think i spent about a year wearing a shirt that was only buttoned at the top when i was about 14 because mike miur from suicidal tendencies had it on one of their album covers!

but i dont understand this respect has to be earned by parents lark. that just sounds... odd.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for their advice.

I wish we could talk, but he just thinks that I'm overreacting and should lighten up. I wish I could but I'm absolutely paralysed by fear, physically sick and terrified. He's acting as if he just doesn't care. But all I can do is give it time.

I've been through really bad breakups before. What is it that's said though - the only thing to fear is fear itself.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by another day
Thanks to everyone for their advice.

I wish we could talk, but he just thinks that I'm overreacting and should lighten up. I wish I could but I'm absolutely paralysed by fear, physically sick and terrified. He's acting as if he just doesn't care. But all I can do is give it time.

I've been through really bad breakups before. What is it that's said though - the only thing to fear is fear itself.

so have you actually told him about how you feel.
have you told him about all your fears and things.

im not sure its a good sign if you have been brushed off so lightly, almost dismissivley.
are you feelings not important?

you wish you could talk?
why cant you?

to be honest, i would never enter a relationship where there was no communication. all it leads to is continuous misunderstanding, fighting, unhappiness. besides, how can i love someone who doesnt want to talk to me?

mooman_00

I'd say your overreacting and he is under reacting. From personal experience he has got a pair of rose tinted glasses on. Its easier to pretend that life is rosy then it is to accept the fact that your upset and that everything isn't going smoothly. A breakup is inevitable (in my opinion) and from experience he'll keep those rose coloured glasses on till the bitter end. Dump him would be my advise as is it my advise to any female who finds themselves in that situation with me. I cant see it getting better as he'll keep brushing your feelings aside.

Well thats my opinion anyway.

PatLam

Originally posted by Thaed
[
How dies he treat his mother ?
How does his father treat his mother ?


I guess that Freud idiot made too many addicts. You can't explain everything based on the mother or father example. What's happening when a guy has abusive parents?...It might then be normal when a guy overreacts towards one of them.. What if someone's father treats the mother badly because she cheated on hin? Everybody is different and you ARE YOURSELF, not a part of your parents. Education surely influates on someone's behaviour, but you can't generalize at all. Everybody stands for himself and suffers differently..
To the one who started....
The nost important thing is to know if it is love or pity you feel.....

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

PatLam

doing my best

Beruthiel

I wish we could talk, but he just thinks that I'm overreacting and should lighten up.

Perhaps it’s a case of him not being able to articulate what he is feeling, sometimes it’s just plain difficult to reach in there and explain a feeling, when you are not sure yourself what it is.

You would be better off thinking up the exact questions you require answers to and put them to him in a non-threatening way. Do not start the question with the words ‘you make me feel’ but rather with ‘I feel’ do not get into an arguement or raise your voice, get him when he’s in good form, but sort it out now, you cannot put it on the long finger.
As a matter of interest - do you think you overreact?

LegacyUser

Do I think I over react? I know I can do so, I'm quite an emotional person anyway, but in this case I'm not sure that I am. He knows me inside out and he knows what I'm like, so he's perfectly clear as to how his actions (or lack of them) will hurt me.

I think maybe we just need a bit of fun and to get out of a sort of rut.

Emboss

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
well, its all well and good to think its a pile of rubbish, but if you think that your parents have to earn your respect after they have breought you intot he world and (hopefully) looked after you, i would have thought your love and respect for them would be beyond question.
maybe you just are a really tough character to please?

if people dont take their role models from their parents (and im not saying thats absolute, nor am i saying that the take every sort of behavour) then where do they take them from.

with regards to parents bouncing you off four walls, hell, who would want that, but i think i was tlaking more aobut how they treat each other. if your parents are kind and considerate to ech other, would you not grown up to see that people should be kind and considerate?
if your father never cooks or cleans or helps around the house, do you think you will grow up to be a male house cleaner? i think you would probably grown up thinking that when you get married, the woman will probably automatically fall into the routine of cooking and cleaning.
i mean, it doesnt take a freud to work out that childrens role models in early years are their parents. and its ont the extreme type of behavour that people pick up. its not the 'slap people around' type stuff (although, funny enough, any of the bullies in any of my schools were always those who came from uncaring homes), more likely to pick up more subtle things. because thats what you do, you try to emulate your role models. hell, i think i spent about a year wearing a shirt that was only buttoned at the top when i was about 14 because mike miur from suicidal tendencies had it on one of their album covers!

but i dont understand this respect has to be earned by parents lark. that just sounds... odd.

HUH? I never said I don't respect my parents, I do, But I have reason to yes they brought me into the world and brought me up looked after me etc, hence I have a reason to respect them my point here is which you seem to be missing constantly is that not EVERYONE has a reason to respect their parents, like you said "hopefully they looked after you" what if they didn't ? do you still respect them because wow they had sex and had a kid RESPECT!, cop on

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by Emboss
HUH? I never said I don't respect my parents, I do

no, but i dont recall saying you dont.

Originally posted by Emboss
But I have reason to yes they brought me into the world and brought me up looked after me etc, hence I have a reason to respect them my point here is which you seem to be missing constantly is that not EVERYONE has a reason to respect their parents, like you said "hopefully they looked after you" what if they didn't ? do you still respect them because wow they had sex and had a kid RESPECT!, cop on

er, you are the one who said your parents have to earn your respect.

i mearly commented that i thought that was a weird.
after all the things they have done for you, to turn around and say, by the way, as and from now, you must try to earn my respect.

its another matter altogether for someone to leose respect of ones parents, but that goes for all family and friends etc.
if people do something you belive is wrong, then you will lose respect for them.

im ont sure what you are talking about now tbh.

Emboss

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
no, but i dont recall saying you dont.



er, you are the one who said your parents have to earn your respect.

i mearly commented that i thought that was a weird.
after all the things they have done for you, to turn around and say, by the way, as and from now, you must try to earn my respect.

its another matter altogether for someone to leose respect of ones parents, but that goes for all family and friends etc.
if people do something you belive is wrong, then you will lose respect for them.

im ont sure what you are talking about now tbh.

i said parents in general are people, parents shouldn't automaticly be respected because they brought you into the world it's what they do after that, and because of what mine have done i DO respect them, but mine aren't ALL and not everyone has a reason to respect their parents so back to the originall point was how does this guy treat is parents has no baring on how he will treat his gf it's not very complicated concept, still having trouble with it ?

LegacyUser

I have done, cried and screamed and been upset. But that only made things worse not better

I'm adopting the bright and breezy approach at the moment. Trying to make it fun. We had a bit of a laugh last weekend playing tennis (and I beat him) and we seemed to get on a bit better after that. This week he's been away and I've been busy so we haven't seen a lot of each other but when we do it's been a bit edgy. Maybe because we're both exhausted - me emotionally from all this stress and him physically from work.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by Emboss
i said parents in general are people, parents shouldn't automaticly be respected because they brought you into the world it's what they do after that, and because of what mine have done i DO respect them, but mine aren't ALL and not everyone has a reason to respect their parents so back to the originall point was how does this guy treat is parents has no baring on how he will treat his gf it's not very complicated concept, still having trouble with it ?

yes.

so youre parents earned your respect did they?
you didnt just give it to them because, well theyre your parents.

but you still havent really said anything about why how someone treats their parents has on other relationships.
surely the relationship between parent and child is the most importnat and strongest and longest relationship people should have.
so viewing that, if someone treats their parents badly (and im saying for no reason, not because they were used as an ash tray or sexually abused) wuld that not tell something about htem?

would that not say, er, heres someone who is disrespectful to the people they should love and respect. there must be a problem...
?

of course, you can disagree with me all day. if you want to say that parents have to earn respect and that that relationship means nothing in terms of how they view others, then fine.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Beruthiel

wise words with the dry rot there Merci
you have your little moments

Emboss

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
yes.

so youre parents earned your respect did they?
you didnt just give it to them because, well theyre your parents.

but you still havent really said anything about why how someone treats their parents has on other relationships.
surely the relationship between parent and child is the most importnat and strongest and longest relationship people should have.
so viewing that, if someone treats their parents badly (and im saying for no reason, not because they were used as an ash tray or sexually abused) wuld that not tell something about htem?

would that not say, er, heres someone who is disrespectful to the people they should love and respect. there must be a problem...
?

of course, you can disagree with me all day. if you want to say that parents have to earn respect and that that relationship means nothing in terms of how they view others, then fine.

no i didn't just give it to them because they're my parents, they're respected by me and the rest of the famly because of the kind of parents they were, but that's no guarntee for a woman that i'm not going to hop her head of a wall, same goes for if i didn't respect them for what ever reason that doesn't mean i will be viloent or be a bad bf/husband. and no i won't disagree with you all day, i'm not trying to change your opionion i'm just giving you mine.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by Emboss
no i didn't just give it to them because they're my parents, .

strange person.

Emboss

Awwww it's cute when a grown man has to rely on insults when his ability to understand something fails.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by Emboss
Awwww it's cute when a grown man has to rely on insults when his ability to understand something fails.

i understand.
thats why i call you strange.


and yes, i have to agree, i am a little cutie.

Emboss

yes u is me little rab c nesbit -==HUGZ-==

Typedef

I'll put a camel on the gladiator called wand.

smiles

anymore insults / off-topicness = bannings.

My head hurts, and thats a perfectly valid reason.

<< Fio >>

Nevyn

no you dont always turn out like ur parents, an abusive parent does not mean that the child will gro up and do the same but there are behaviourly traits
to happen.

I've seen it and expericed it.

you have to look at all cuase and that is a real and vaild one in a lot of cases.
As children we play at being grown ups by copying out parents.