One-Liner Jokes

LegacyUser

don't kill a boomerang, hell come back and haunt you

country_gurl

your mama so fat she had to go to seaworld 2 get baptised
" " " " she uses a paint roller to put on her lipstick
" " " poor when i saw her kicking a tin can down the street i asked her what she was doin she said moving.

sinjin_smythe

why did the pervert cross the road ??????????



















cause the chicken was stuck to his k**b

sinjin_smythe

weedhead wrote:

why did the pervert cross the road ??????????



















cause the chicken was stuck to his k**b

come on thats gold material .O yeah ive another one for yeah
guy walks into the doctors office ,doctor tells him hes got three months to live , guy says hes now money to pay the doctor , doctor gives him another 3 months !!!!!

kraggy

favourite of all time

"Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It went down the road and turned into a field"

BaZmO*

This guy goes to the Doctor and says, “Doctor I think I’m going deaf!”
The Doctor says, “What are the symtoms?”
And the guy says, “It’s a cartoon show on the telly with a yellow family!!!”

BaZmO*

What did the Zero say to the Eight?

“Nice Belt!!”

sinjin_smythe

O dear god that symtoms joke is quite possibly the worst joke ive ever heard
Bazmo

jitzer

Whats the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The location of the dirtbag.

PunyHuman

This isn't a one-liner either. I can't believe it hasn't been posted yet.


Q: How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?








A: He felt his presents.

BolBill

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, One to hold the giraffe, the other to fill the bath with multi-coloured machine tools.

BaZmO*

How many Software Technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?


















None......... it's a Hardware problem!!!!

flyinfishmonkey

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat...?

flyinfishmonkey

Borrow money from a pessimist cos they don't expect it back!

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.

The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

In San Diego in the late 1980's, a man named Tony visited an old people's home and began speaking with an elderly lady. As he talked, he helped himself to peanuts from a jar at the side of the old woman's chair. After some time, he asked the woman if she would like a peanut. She replied, "Oh, I can't eat the things dear. I just suck the chocolate off and drop them in a jar beside my chair."

(Sorry in advance girls)

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Reasons it's good to be a man :
1. When clicking through TV channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
2. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
3. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
4. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
5. If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
6. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
7. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
8. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
9. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.


A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He'd never been with a woman like this before, but he decides what the heck it's only twenty bucks.
They're getting friendly for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

Karl Hungus

Two snowmen in a field. One says to the other "I know, I smell carrots too..."

kanurocks

Quality jokes boys .

NotMe

What do you call a judge with no balls?


Justice Mickey.

Capt'n Midnight

Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
A: You can't hear an enzyme.

Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.

Q: What's a Rednecks most popular pick up line?
A: Nice tooth!

Q: What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
A: "Hey y'all... Watch this!"

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.

Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Q: What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex.

Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A: Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying "Yo"

Q: How are a chicken and a grape alike?
A: They are both purple... except for the chicken.

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks!

Q: What do you do if there is a pink horse and a purple elephant chasing you?
A: Get off the carousel!

Q: What's a Wok?
A: Something you throw at a Wabbit.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is really white and loves little kids, the other is a ghost.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: Do you like Kipling?
A: I don't know, I've never been kipled.

Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.

Q: What do you give a man who has everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: Same as a French kiss but down under!

Q: How can you make God laugh?
A: Tell Him your plans for the future.

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men.

Q: How can you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard!

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: You know what the problem with a lot of people is?
A: Overpopulation.

Q: And how did you find your steak sir?
A: Well, I just rolled over a pea, and there it was...

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil Worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.

Q: What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?
A: He thinks that nobody important is out to get him.

Q: What do satellite and horseradish have in common?
A: They both don't look like tomato...

Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: How do you attract a vegetarian?
A: Make a noise like a wounded vegetable.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with... The other is used to carrying groceries.

Q: What goes "peck, peck, peck, BOOM!"?
A: A chicken in a mine field.

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating?
A: Finding half a worm.

Q: Have you heard of the 'Divorce Barbie'?
A: She comes with all of Kens stuff...

Q: What do you have when you have a green ball in each hand?
A: Kermit's undivided attention!

Q: What do people from Texas call sushi?
A: Bait.

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7 ?
A: 'cause 7 8 9

Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What is the difference between a hedgehog and a porsche
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q: What did the circle say to the tangent line?
A: "Stop touching me!"

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q: What will happen if you reverse the battery in Energizer Bunny?
A: It will just keep coming and coming...

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman Pinscher.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest lawyer?
A: Chelsea!

Q: What's the difference between worry and panic?
A: About 28 days

Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree in Louisiana?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: What do you get if you use too much phone sex?
A: Hearing AIDS

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: Leech quits sucking your blood after you die.

Q: What's the difference between an orange?
A: The horse because it doesn't have handle bars!

Q: Did you hear about the new Chinese cookbook? 101 ways to WOK your dog!

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything!

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A: He's breathing.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Make a tire and call it a good year.

Q: What's the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Did you know that it takes five babies to make just one bottle of baby oil !

annette curtain

I know this is a bit of a long one but its good!


One day, a bear and a rabbit were walking trough the woods when they saw a golden frog. The frog said 'I don`t see many people, but when I do I grant them three wishes. The bear looks at the rabbit and says 'That means three each'. The bear then says, "I wish all the bears in this forest were female." The rabbit wishes for a motorbike. The bear looks at the rabbit, then says, "in fact, I wish all the bears in the next forest were female, too." The rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear (getting a bit carried away), "I wish all the bears in the WORLD were female!!" Then,the rabbit puts on the helmet, revs the bike and says, "I wish that bear right there was gay" and rides away. :cool:

randombassist

<snip>

dead baby jokes are not allowed, and seeing as it is specifically mentioned in the charter, one week ban for randombassist

Bio

BaZmO*

How many bacterium does it take to change a light bulb?

1…no 2….no 4……no 8….no 16……no……32…..no 64………………

abccormac

why does Ronan Keating Shing like thish?

Cos he's a ****.

My girlfriends the opposite of a prostitute, actually shes an antistute, I pay her not to sleep with other men.

My girlfriends a trapeze artist. She swings both ways.

My girlfriends very forthcoming. Just give her four guys and she'll be ......

My girlfriends great, but her moms better...

Zombienosh

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.

Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks!

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil Worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.

Q: How do you attract a vegetarian?
A: Make a noise like a wounded vegetable.

quality stuff

Blisterman

You know these are actually two liner jokes.

deirdre dearg

>knock knock

<who's there?

>Chris Doran

<Chris Doran who?

>exactly.

Blisterman

Who's Chris Doran?

Frank Drebin

Duck walks into a pub and asks the barman for a piece of bread.
Barman says "Sorry mate this is a pub and we don't serve bread here".
Five minutes later the duck walks over and asks the barman for a piece of bread again.
Barman says "I told you this is a pub and we don't serve bread now get lost".
Five minutes later the duck goes over to the barman and asks for a piece of bread.
Barman getting pissed off now says to the duck, "look! If you ask me for a piece of bread again I'm going to nail your bill to the bar!"
Another five minutes go by and the duck walks up to the bar and asks, "Do you have any nails".
Barman says, "No".
So the duck says, "Can I have a piece of bread".




I know, I know! I should be shot.

Jaeger

That duck joke has to be one of my favourites of all time - heard it with different animals/characters etc but it's always the same punchline

herobear

flyinfishmonkey wrote:

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat...?

thats so stupid jeez, humans are made with meat too, but we dont each other