One-Liner Jokes

gar32

'When my kleptomania gets bad I take something for it'.

MonkieSocks

My wife told me to stop impersonating a Flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

Fabritzo

What do you call your mum’s angry French sister?

A Croissaunt.

MonkieSocks

I've discovered you can now get Viagra tea bags.....doesn't improve your sex life........but it stops your biscuits going soft...

MonkieSocks

My friend just told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony.

Which was ironic, seeing as we were standing at a bus stop at the time.

MonkieSocks

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 24th time.

MonkieSocks

Holiday in Amsterdam, have sex and get stoned.:p




Holiday in Saudi Arabia, have sex and get stoned.:(

MonkieSocks

11.34: Arrived at crime scene.

11.34: Found footprints in garden.

11.34: Found signs of forced entry.

11.34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle.

11.34: Found murder weapon in the storm drain.

11.34: Realised watch was broken.

Bandana boy

My next door neighbors recently made a sex tape , although they don't realize that yet

MonkieSocks

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 25th time.











:rolleyes:

MonkieSocks

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

MonkieSocks

Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"

"Thanks Dad"

"No problem Alan

MonkieSocks

Two monkeys in a bath. One says "Ohh ooooh aaaaaah ooooh oooohh ooohh aaaah"




The other says "If its too hot mate put some cold in".

Gloomtastic!

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Two monkeys in a bath. One says "Ohh ooooh aaaaaah ooooh oooohh ooohh aaaah"




The other says "If its too hot mate put some cold in".

Family joke?

CastielJ

The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so.

MonkieSocks

Bought some aftershave today that smells of Breadcrumbs.

The Burds love it.

donegal_man

We've had a huge chloroform spillage at work and now we're totally insolvent

What do chemists use to describe thinly sliced cabbage?
Cole's law

If H2O is water, what is H2O4?
Drinking

Are brown bears more soluble than white bears?
No, because white bears are polar

MonkieSocks

The wife walked into the lounge last night after getting ready for a night out with her mates and she asked me to rate her looks.

'8 or 9 at least' I said

'Out of 10?' she smiled 'Thanks babe I'm really flattered'

Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints!

MonkieSocks

Elderly couple in church, wife turns to her husband and says

"I've just don't a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband says "Put new batteries in your hearing aid"

MonkieSocks

If a Clown Farts In The Woods And There No One There To Hear It,

Does It Smell Funny?

donegal_man

What did the vegan give the homeless man?


A lecture.

MonkieSocks

My friend Walter Wall has just opened a carpet shop, but he's struggling to think of a name for it.

Victor

One leprechaun stock broker to another: "Top o' the market to ye."

MonkieSocks

I went out on a date the other night for the first time in years and it didn't go well at all.

I said to her "So are you a Vampire?"

"No" she said with a puzzled look on her face.

I said to her "So you're telling me you could see yourself in the mirror and you still came out looking like that"


She got awfully Cross and I got a slap across the face,then she stormed out!:eek:

MonkieSocks

I was out with the lads last night having a great time, beer and shots was flowing when the barmaid screamed "Does anyone know CPR?"

I said "I know the Entire Alphabeth"

We all laughed and laughed, well except this one guy.

MonkieSocks

A guy went to the Doctors with a severe case of Diarrhea, which was the cause of much embarrassment.

"Take this three times a day" says the Doctor, handing him a tub of Bisto.

"Bisto" exclaims the guy "Will that stop it"









"No" says the doctor "but it will sure Thicken It"

MonkieSocks

I Said To My Mate, "I Bought My Dog A Little Coat With Writing On The Back."

He Said, "Oh, What Did It Say?"

I Said, "Nothing, He's A Dog."

Worztron

2 clowns are eating a cannibal...

One clown leans over and says "I think we ****ed up this joke."

Worztron

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

gammygils

The man who sued a major Airline over missing baggage has lost his case