One-Liner Jokes

MonkieSocks

I’m not saying it’s rough round my way, but Tesco have Fathers Day cards in packs of 5.

Worztron

If life gives you melons... you might be dyslexic.

RichieO

Worztron wrote: »

If life gives you melons... you might be dyslexic.

I was dyslexic when I was 12, ... or was it 21 ?

Dtp1979

RichieO wrote: »

I was dyslexic when I was 12, ... or was it 21 ?

Get your coat

MonkieSocks

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Get your coat

He already ate his taco :pac:

bacon?

Why did the Chicken not go to the dance?

He was in a foul mood!

bacon?

2 guys walking down the road, one says to the other, "when I get home I'm gonna rip my sisters knickers off" Other guy replies, shocked, "wtf? why?"












.... "cause they're wrecking me hole"

Worztron

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" generally mean the same thing... except at funerals.

pawdee

What kind of meat does the Pope eat? Nun.

pawdee

A fella goes to the doctor with a strawberry stuck in his arse. The doctor says "I'll give you some cream for that".

pawdee

Rosemary West: "Fancy a beer luv?"

Fred: "I could murder a couple of Tennents"

Worztron

Best One Liner of the World Cup So Far... Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared.

minikin

The Dyslexics Association of Ireland have condemned today’s hosepipe ban by the government... they insist that dying people must be cared for in their remaining days.

Bandana boy

minikin wrote: »

The Dyslexics Association of Ireland have condemned today’s hosepipe ban by the government... they insist that dying people must be cared for in their remaining days.

These jokes only work if they are an anagram of the word
there is no c in hosepipe

minikin

There might be c in hosepipe if you life on the coast.

MonkieSocks

Worztron wrote: »

Best One Liner of the World Cup So Far... Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared.

Don't mention Ze VAR :mad:

bonzodog2

A must-read book for breeders of budgerigars.
"Budgerigars - their breeding and training" by Hugh Zapritti-Boyden

MonkieSocks

A little boy stands on a butterfly, his dad says "No butter for a week".

The next day the little boy jumps on a honeybee, dad says, "No honey for a week".

A few days later, his mum stands on a cockroach, the little boy looks to his dad and says,

"Are you gonna tell her or shall I?"

MonkieSocks

Nurse to drunk man, “That’s a really nasty gash on your forehead, I’m gonna have to clean it out and put in 20 stitches”

Drunk man, “You can clean it out but there’s no way you’re putting in 20 stitches”.

Nurse, “Okay, suture self”

RichieO

When Homer's dumb, he's also broke,....... No Doh.... Durrrr...

RichieO

I think “Flat Earthers” are stupid, I’d put ‘em in a boat and push ‘em off the edge.

greenspurs

What do you call a girl standing in a goal ? - Annette

What do you call a girl standing between 2 houses ? - Elaine

bonzodog2

greenspurs wrote: »

What do you call a girl standing in a goal ? - Annette

What do you call her when she's standing in front of a downstairs window?

Annette Curtin

TheBody

I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anesthetic. He said “sure, knock yourself out!”

GBX

They say that masturbation is better with a dead arm ... apparently I ruined that funeral

MonkieSocks

To the little prick who stole my antidepressants - I hope you’re fookin happy now.

Worztron

I hate my job as a waiter. ... But it puts food on the table.

MonkieSocks

Islamabad school maths test

Ahmad has three lunch boxes

He gives Abdullah one and another to Faisal




Calculate the blast radius

MonkieSocks

Little known fact about English footballer Danny Welbeck.

His dad was in the bomb disposal unit - he was called Stan...

greenspurs

Got a tip off a mate today - Told me a horse called Landfill was a cert.






Turned out it was a rubbish tip..............