One-Liner Jokes

coolhull

Stop using pre - shredded cheese

Make America grate again.

MonkieSocks

Nearly talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the Ban Garda, she looked stunning.

Then fooked it up by saying , "And that's not the drink talking either"

donegal_man

For sale: One theramin, untouched

Crazed mathematician performs world's first truly random shooting

Ragnar Lothbrok

For some reason I've loved this joke since childhood:

Q: What's the difference between Frank Sinatra and Walt Disney?
A: Frank sings but Walt Disney

(Must be said in a Scottish accent)

MonkieSocks

A woman walks into a Newcastle hairdresser's and asks "Can I have a perm please?"

"Aye, nee problem pet" says the hairdresser. "Ah wandered lernley as a clood....."

MonkieSocks

Unfortunately my Obese Parrot has just died.





I'm so sad but it’s a huge weight of my shoulders.

MonkieSocks

Bought some trainers off a guy on gumtree.

Turns out he was a drug dealer.

Don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all week.

Worztron

The idea that women only belong in the kitchen is dated and offensive. The rest of the house needs cleaned too.

The Talking Bread

Did you hear about the woman from Fermanagh who carried a child for 14 months










Someone stole her pram

MonkieSocks

I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman,

"My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window."

He said, "We don’t have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."



I said, “You do now!"

bonzodog2

Alternate ending, where the Titanic did not sink:

Wealthy Gentleman: "What is all this white stuff on the backseat of my car?"

Tzardine

Local butcher was having a special offer. Tried to sell me eight legs of venison for €50.

I said that's too dear.

MonkieSocks

This Scottish guy goes on a skiing trip to Canada.

After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six Whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal on the wall with antlers.

so he says to the barman, "what the fook is that?"

The barman says, "it's a moose."





The Scottish guy says, "fook me! How big are the cats?"

MonkieSocks

A guy wants a divorce, he tells the judge

"I just can't take anymore, every night she out until way after midnight going from Bar to Bar".

The judge asks "What's she doing?"



The guy says "Looking for me".

MonkieSocks

Two Ventriloquist's Dummies in a Suitcase.






One says to the other "I gan't get out of the gox"

MonkieSocks

They told me I would never be good at poetry because of my Dyslexia.

I've had the last laugh though. So far, I’ve made three jugs and a vase....

MonkieSocks

Isn't it really annoying when a woman starts going down on you...












And you can't find your puncture repair kit?

MonkieSocks

"I love it when a plan comes ogether"


"You missed a T"


"No, I'm Hannibal"...

MonkieSocks

Man goes into Doctors.

"I think I've got this Bird Flu thing that"s been going round."

The doctor says, "What makes you think that?"

The man replies, "Well I've starting wearing make up, get angry for no reason and I can"t park the bleddin car."

MonkieSocks

Just dropped my Mother-In-Law off at the Airport.






Her flights on Sunday.

MonkieSocks

What do a Gynecologist and a Pizza Delivery Person have in common?












They can both Smell it, but they Can't Eat it.

A Canadian smuggler & an American smuggler are on a riverbank near the border. He American is down a hole fetching the moonshine while the Canadian keeps watch. Next thing a patrol comes down the river & passes them, then starts to turn back.

The American, hearing the boat, asks “Hey Buck, what’s he doing?”

Buck replies, “He’s comin’ aboot”

“Well duh. He’s hardly going to come in a car down river, is he?”

MonkieSocks

Bad news for Dyslexics, on the 28th October, your Cocks go Black.

Ragnar Lothbrok

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Bad news for Dyslexics, on the 28th October, your Cocks go Black.

Please, please let me remember this joke when I'm out over the weekend

MonkieSocks

A blonde and a brunette are catching up after having not seen each other for a while, the brunette says to the blonde,

"I'm married to Kenny now."

The blonde replies, "Really, I used to date him.

Isn't he the one with the really bad dandruff?"

"Yeah," answered the brunette,

"but I fixed that, I gave him head and shoulders."

The blonde looked really confused and after a few moments asked,





"How do you give Shoulders?

MonkieSocks

Just seen a host of pale, emaciated figures, whose haunted eyes bespeak the agony of living death.


















That's my first and last time in a vegan restaurant!

greenspurs

I'm going to a Deodorant party this weekend ................











Roll on Saturday !!

MonkieSocks

Did you know Viagra now comes in a nasal spray.

It's for Dickheads.

MonkieSocks

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Did you know Viagra now comes in a nasal spray.

It's for Dickheads.

The Scots are putting it on their toes, apparently they like fookin aboot

MonkieSocks

I ordered some bread rolls that were so shiny I took them back the baker to complain. I went in with all buns glazing.

I just had a row with my personal trainer. Am in a state of physical pique.

I was trying to lose weight but the exercise bike at my local gym kept calling me nasty names, which put me off going... It's a vicious cycle.

I got booed by my family and friends because the fireworks I lit went off in the wrong sequence... Bang out of order...

A playwright walks into an ancient Greek tailors with a pair of torn trousers. Tailor says, "Euripides?" The customer replies "Yes! Eumenides?"

My mate got rushed into hospital last night because he swallowed a vacuum cleaner. Just phoned the hospital to see how he is and they say he’s picking up...


Legless parrot available, free to a good home... No perches necessary....

Last time I went to the airport I queued up at a table with some feathery birds laying eggs on it... I’d gone to the chicken desk by mistak

My mate went to the zoo and saw a baguette in one of the cages. He asked the zoo keeper what was going on and the keeper replied:
"It's bread in captivity".

Went to the pub last night dressed as a tennis ball. I got served straight away.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported. We didn’t have Oleg to stand on.
Someone came into to the library where I work and asked me if we had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat. I said it rang a bell but I wasn't sure if it was there or not.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean.

Q: What do French people call a really bad Thursday? A: A trajeudi

Why don’t cats like shopping online? Because they prefer catalogues.

Do you know how to catch a unique rabbit? U nique up on him...

Dogs can't do X-Rays.......But Cats can.

A horse walks into a bar. “Hey,” says the barman. “Yes please,” says the horse.

Q: What do sailors use to blow their noses? A: Anchor-chiefs

What do you do with a sick lifeboat? Take it to the dock.

I gave my son an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it'


So we all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9. But why did 7 eat 9 in the first place?

...he wanted three squared meals a day.