One-Liner Jokes

MonkieSocks

blinding wrote: »

How big is it ? I wear a big Hat !

Buckingham Phallus

New Home

My German waiter squirted two little dots of ketchup on my plate. “No, no, I asked for an omelette!”

omelette/umlaut

everlast75

I stole some chocolate by hiding it under my hat, and now there's a Bounty on my head....

greenspurs

I invented a new word …
Plagiarism ..

MonkieSocks

I’ve finally got around to breaking the news to my suitcases that we won’t be going on holiday anytime soon....a bit upsetting.

Now, I’ve got all this emotional baggage to deal with.....

tedpan

The queen asked, "Can you fit it in a bread bin?"

MonkieSocks

I went to the supermarket yesterday & whilst trying to park, noticed a golf buggy parked in the disabled spaces and thought to myself
"I wonder what his handicap is!"

MOR316

MonkieSocks wrote: »

I went to the supermarket yesterday & whilst trying to park, noticed a golf buggy parked in the disabled spaces and thought to myself
"I wonder what his handicap is!"

DID YOU JUST ASSUME THEIR GENDER?!?! :eek::eek::eek::eek:

MonkieSocks

MOR316 wrote: »

DID YOU JUST ASSUME THEIR GENDER?!?! :eek::eek::eek::eek:

Yeah, it was reversed into the parking spot............

Central Services

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Yeah, it was reversed into the parking spot............

He teed that one up for ya.

greenspurs

An ice cream van has crashed down the road !

The whole place is coned off ...

MOR316

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Yeah, it was reversed into the parking spot............

I put you through on goal. Lethal combination

MonkieSocks

Central Services wrote: »

He teed that one up for ya.

Nice one

I couldn't have Putt it any better meself

Uncle Pierre

You'll drive everybody else away if you keep talking about just that one joke.....

MonkieSocks

Uncle Pierre wrote: »

You'll drive everybody else away if you keep talking about just that one joke.....

I'll head for the bunker so

Uncle Pierre

Is there room to wedge yourself in there?

Uncle Pierre

Think we'll have to iron out a few ground rules around here....

New Home

What's a bad golfer's favourite Excel functionality? Divot tables.

MonkieSocks

I wouldn't say the wife's cooking was bad, but the pygmies from the neighbouring estate come over just to dip their arrows in her soup.

trashcan

I've heard that with all the Covid 19 restrictions all the Chinese restaurants have had to go into wok down.

el_gaucho

greenspurs wrote: »

An ice cream van has crashed down the road !

The whole place is coned off ...

The driver was covered with 100s and 1000s. Gardai say he topped himself.

everlast75

el_gaucho wrote: »

The driver was covered with 100s and 1000s. Gardai say he topped himself.

The tarmac was damaged by the incident.

It's now a rocky road.

chooseusername

Told my kids ice-cream van jingle was an ambulance.
Later, out in town with them, ambulance screams by ,sirens blazing.
One turns to the other," he won't sell many ice-creams going that speed"

(M&W)

MonkieSocks

If Bjorn had been named Simon, and Benny named Derek, ABBA would have been called ASDA.

MonkieSocks

A van load of Father Ted dvds has been stolen .

Police said they have nothing to go on, go on, go on, go on, go on!

trashcan

When they announced that they had discovered a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse !

New Home

trashcan wrote: »

When they announced that they had discovered a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse !

That's gas! :pac:

MonkieSocks

I’ve just swapped my white transit van for a pink one

I wanted a camper van

greenspurs

Some gob****e just threw milk at me !!!!!!!!!!!!!








How dairy …………..

MonkieSocks

greenspurs wrote: »

Some gob****e just threw milk at me !!!!!!!!!!!!!
How dairy …………..

You could have been creamed :eek: