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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #4232
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,648 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    How about millennial's Monopoly. Nobody can afford to buy property.

    The reality is more ironic...

    https://www.danielim.com/2018/11/27/monopoly-for-millennials/


  • #4233
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,648 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    How many members of U2 does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: One. Bono holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.


  • #4234
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Q: What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

    A: Trombones

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4235
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I phoned the council today and asked if I could have a skip outside my house.

    They said we don't give a damm if you do cartwheels.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4236
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 565 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    We sold our house the other day. The landlord will go mad.


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  • #4237
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I got arrested at the airport because apparently security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4238
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,088 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    I got arrested at the airport because apparently security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

    Even worse when you realise half way through the flight that youre mate Jack is at the front of the plane and start shouting Hi Jack' to get his attention.


  • #4239
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,187 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    joeguevara wrote: »
    Even worse when you realise half way through the flight that youre mate Jack is at the front of the plane and start shouting Hi Jack' to get his attention.
    Even worse is when you're musicians from South Dublin and you know the very first thing yer man will say to TSA is "we're the Tallaght band"


  • #4240
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4241
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I saw two horses in a field. The smaller of the two came over to me but the big one stayed away. Must have been a shire horse

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4242
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,919 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    What do you call a cat walking down the beach?

    Sandy Claws!


  • #4243
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,919 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    There's a legal defense for these bad jokes, I believe. Insanity Clause.


  • #4244
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    everlast75 wrote: »
    There's a legal defense for these bad jokes, I believe. Insanity Clause.

    :p

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Sy6oiJbEk

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4245
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,187 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    I saw two horses in a field. The smaller of the two came over to me but the big one stayed away. Must have been a shire horse
    I saw a six legged horse. At first it looked like a normal horse with two legs at the back.

    But it had forelegs in front. :eek:


  • #4246
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    200.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4247
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I accidentally bought my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She's still not talking to me.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4248
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm trying to give up eating cold Turkey, but I'm not sure how ?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4249
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,953 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    That's a hot topic.


  • #4250
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    New Home wrote: »
    That's a hot topic.


    It has me in a fowl humour :P

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4251
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,187 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    New Home wrote: »
    That's a hot topic.
    Just thinking about it is giving me goose bumps


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  • #4252
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,953 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Why? You chicken?


  • #4253
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,187 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    New Home wrote: »
    Why? You chicken?
    [incoming acquisition]

    *ducks*


  • #4254
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,953 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Oh, let's not make a meal out of it!


  • #4255
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 8,209 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    New Home wrote: »
    Oh, let's not make a meal out of it!
    Foiled again!


  • #4256
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,187 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    New Home wrote: »
    Oh, let's not make a meal out of it!
    Yes, it's hard to swallow.


  • #4257
    bilbot79
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,022 ✭✭✭bilbot79


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Yes, it's hard to swallow.

    Better on a spit then


  • #4258
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Iraqi comedy club...Badgag.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4259
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    For sale: downhill skis, descent condition.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4260
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,570 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Who doesnt love a rhetorical question?
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



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  • #4261
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,790 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    greenspurs wrote: »
    Who doesnt love a rhetorical question?

    Who cares?

    Right?


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