One-Liner Jokes

barneygumble99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118908291#Comment_118908291

For those of you still interested , he hasn’t had a vowel movement yet.

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Sad to see the World Paper Tearing Champion has died.

Rip.

Capt'n Midnight

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118913002#Comment_118913002

You won't be able to see as it's a pay per view.

MonkieSocks

Due to smugness I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream I can’t wait to rub it in…

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https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118912448#Comment_118912448

I'm sure the vet will have him under consonant supervision. 

New Home

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118913455#Comment_118913455

Make sure you follow the vet's instruction to the letter.

MonkieSocks

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118912448#Comment_118912448

That could spell disastrous

MonkieSocks

My wife's cooking is so bad, we usually pray after we eat

barneygumble99

Bit annoyed at my neighbour building a glasshouse so close to me. It’s just a stones throw away.

blade1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118913579#Comment_118913579

If he swallowed the letters D, E, A, T, H, it could be a death sentence.

everlast75

Jesus's resurrection was one of his boulder moves...

blade1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118924682#Comment_118924682

He must have been cross for being kept hanging around.

MonkieSocks

Whenever someone tells me I look familiar, I tell them I star in porn movies.

Great at weddings and funerals

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I’ll never forget the day when Noel Gallagher got his first guitar and I asked him “What’s that knob at the front for?”

 

He said “That’s Liam, he’s the lead singer” 

MonkieSocks

My favorite movie is "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" because I just love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

Capt'n Midnight

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118936903#Comment_118936903

A role that could never have been played by Humpfree Bogart

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Just at the airport with my wife, I said "I wish I’d brought the coffee table with us."

 

"Why is that?" she asked...

 

"The passports are on it..."

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Grandad went into a nursing home, so I rang them to see how he was.

Nurse said, "He's like a fish out of water."

I said, "So he's finding it hard to adjust?"

She said, "No, he's dead!"

Capt'n Midnight

I can’t begin to tell you how much I regret buying the flat above Lionel Ritchie.

Victor

https://twitter.com/duetosymmetry/status/1515490896191668229

...

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I bought a dog from a blacksmith... 10 minutes after we arrived home, the dog made a bolt for the door.

MonkieSocks

Why do giraffes have such long legs?

Because otherwise they wouldn't reach the ground.

MonkieSocks

The doctor told me that I've used my muscles so little for such a long time that I'm getting a trophy.

Can't wait!

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Geordies still cannot grasp that ALDI is not open 24 hours! 

MonkieSocks

Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone in the library and I couldn’t figure out what was going on-

But then IT hit me.

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I was arrested today for stealing Helium Balloons.

 

Police held me for a while then let me go.

MonkieSocks

The fastest liquid on the planet is milk because it’s pasteurized before you see it!

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The late, great Meatloaf was married to an Accountant.

 

She would do anything for love but she won’t do VAT.

Worztron

If life gives you melons...you probably have dyslexia.

Victor

Vultures and humans - I wonder which is freaked out more if their lunch moves by itself.