One-Liner Jokes

jj880

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119250345#Comment_119250345

Nah I was messing trying to discourage any non "one liner joke" posts but after that bat flattery post I take it all back - that's gold.

everlast75

My dog has made an enemy. I can't take him to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him.

It's my fault. I shouldn't have bought a pure bread.

MonkieSocks

The Proclaimers' lawn is getting out of control and they are blaming B&Q.

They've been to Lochaber, no mower. Sutherland, no mower. Lewis, no mower. Skye, no mower.

Victor

https://twitter.com/SundaeDivine/status/1540158907355627521

...

MonkieSocks

I wondered why the missus was throwing all my Stephen King books around, Then it hit me

MonkieSocks

I'm reading a book about roadworks...still stuck on page 1

xlogo

"Doctor, doctor. I keep thinking I'm a supermarket"

Doctor: "How long have you felt like this?"

" Since I was Lidl."

xlogo

I said to the girl at B&Q “ what’s best for greasy ovens ? “ 

She said “ ammonia cleaner “ 

I said “ sorry I thought you worked here “

Capt'n Midnight

I've watched every day of Wimbledon so far.

Still not seen a Womble.

xlogo

My wife says I only have 2 faults.

 

I don’t listen - and something else

everlast75

How much does Cockney Shampoo cost?

"Pan'tene".

MonkieSocks

My mate told me he'd got a clock stuck up his arse.

It was a wind-up

MonkieSocks

Dropped a tub of margarine on my foot last month and it still hurts, I can't belive it's not better.

MonkieSocks

19th century missionaries gave South Seas cannibals their first taste of Christianity.

MonkieSocks

Have you heard about the lizard that couldn't get an erection? He had a reptile dysfunction!

xlogo

The manager of John 'O Groats FC has resigned after a heavy defeat to Lands End United, "i ve taken the team as far as they can go" he said

everlast75

I lost my numbered ticket in this waiting room.

The receptionist just tore me a new one...

xlogo

We've got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to the sounds of '80s synth pop.

 

 

Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark

xlogo

My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

Maths_Teacher

Microsoft ending Internet Explorer has really put me on Edge.

xlogo

I hired a handyman to do some work, and gave him a list of things to do

 

When I got home he'd only done tasks 1,3,and 5

 

Turned out he was an odd job man

MonkieSocks

I couldn't sleep last night, so I read the dictionary;by 3am I was past caring....

xlogo

I’m opening a Wham! theme pub called ‘Club Tropiana’

 

 

All that’s missing is the ‘c’.

MonkieSocks

I ordered some German food online, the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

TheBody

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

MonkieSocks

My therapist told me I can't identify my own emotions and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

xlogo

What does the titanic and the sixth sense have in common??

 

Icey dead people

MonkieSocks

With the rise of self driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time until there’s a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him.

MonkieSocks

Necessity is the mother of Invention and there are lots of other people in that family with stupid names.

xlogo

What does the titanic and the sixth sense have in common??

 

Icey dead people