One-Liner Jokes

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Did you know ten plus ten is the same as eleven plus eleven? Ten plus ten is twenty and eleven plus eleven is twenty too.

everlast75

I hear in Africa they tried an experiment where they blessed the rains. It was a Toto failure.

Capt'n Midnight

The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable.

Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.

MonkieSocks

Anyone see Dragons Den the other night? There was this bloke who'd invented an Air Freshener that's controlled by the power of thought!

Sounds daft but makes sense when you think about it.

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Received a text from the wife saying she was breaking up with me.

 

Imagine how relieved I was when a couple of minutes later she texted “Sorry wrong number”.

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Some friends asked me to re-turf a field so they could do civil war re-enactments…….I thought sod that for a game of soldiers

everlast75

I ate at Mary Poppins Restaurant last night...

Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious

MonkieSocks

The abrupt decision by the makers of Head & Shoulders shampoo to cease production has left a lot of people scratching their head.

AMKC

What do cakes and Criket teams have in common?

They both need a good batter lol.

everlast75

My football coach keeps telling me he's more worthy of the no. 1 shirt than I am, and I really don't like his goalier-than-thou attitude.

MonkieSocks

I've just discovered that I can send messages on my phone with either hand.

I must be ambitextrous.

everlast75

When my grandma died, I had her cremated and put her ashes in a trophy that said Worlds Best Grandma.

She urned it.

MonkieSocks

We call our grandad Spiderman. Not because he has superhuman powers, but because he can't get out of the bath.

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Recently joined the local Reincarnation Club.

Membership was a bit excessive at £200 but thought what the hell, you only live once.

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Say what you like about the NHS, but at least they removed that mole from my arse. Unlike the RSPCA who said they'd prosecute me if I did it again.

MonkieSocks

Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the hokey cokey.

Took me 20-minutes to get out of bed

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My friend lost his ear in an accident and had to have a pigs ear transplanted on.

 

I asked him if it was working ok...

 

He said “It’s fine apart from a bit of crackling...”

everlast75

I couldn't undo the buttons on my jumper so I tried pulling it over my head but got it stuck.

I’m now sitting in A&E waiting to see a cardyologist.

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My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" 

 

I replied: “No.”

 

She responded: "How about now?"

everlast75

My mum was a radiologist and met my dad when he came in for an X-Ray...

I always wondered what she saw in him...

MonkieSocks

Police have accused me of stealing a set of Encyclopaedia Britannica.

I said "Hang on, I can explain everything!"

RayCon

The advantage of easy origami is two fold.

everlast75

Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today. But it’s definitely up there.

Capt'n Midnight

The world Origami championship is on SKY

It's pay per view.

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Police have arrested the world tongue twister champion...

 

I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence.

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I am 20 hours into my sponsored semaphore marathon...

 

Unfortunately I am now starting to flag quite badly.

MonkieSocks

I made a lamb curry yesterday, but apparently they only eat grass.

The DayDream

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

barneygumble99

I used to work with a lazy, useless arsehole. I once took a print screen of his desktop, including all the icons, and set it as his background. I then deleted all the icons so that clicking them did nothing.

MonkieSocks

i went to a very expensive cannibal restaurant last night - it was €50 a head!