One-Liner Jokes

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Just had to lie down, every time I close my eyes all I can see is Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse. I think I was having a disney spell.

Capt'n Midnight

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121460283#Comment_121460283

This is my stepladder.… I never knew my real ladder.

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I told my wife that I had bought a trampoline instead of a new bed.

She hit the roof.

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What do you call a girl wearing camouflage?

Heidi.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

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What did Cinderella say when the photolab lost her order?

Some day my prints will come

MonkieSocks

What’s the key to a good postman joke?

The delivery.

Capt'n Midnight

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121469940#Comment_121469940

Reminds me of the old -

"They used to be called jumpolines until your mother tried one."

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My grief counsellor died last week.

Luckily he was so good I couldn't give a ****. 

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Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not become ill?

Jerry can.

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On a first date I always talk about my obese pet penguin.

It's a good icebreaker.

MonkieSocks

It’s no surprise that there’s schools of fish considering there’s a University of Wales.

Capt'n Midnight

I thought the woman next door would be distraught when her husband left her in the middle of the night.

But there she was the next morning out building a new patio.

tikka16751

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121501936#Comment_121501936

That’s some load of dung,

scottser

What's blue and f**ks grannies?

Hypothermia

scottser

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

You don't have to pay €100 to have a lentil on your face.

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I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint.

 

He’s now high on the list of people I would never want to talk to again.

 

 

barneygumble99

Doing crunches twice a day. Captain at 8am and Nestle at 5pm

barneygumble99

I don’t have an advent calendar so I’m just opening cupboard doors and eating whatever’s in there.

barneygumble99

What’s the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket???

A pickpocket snatches watches.

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I just found out about recency bias, and I’d have to say that out of all the biases, it’s definitely my favourite.

MonkieSocks

I was sitting on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers, when my missus said "You really spoil those dogs!"

MonkieSocks

Zebras have stripes so they arent spotted

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My other grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

Capt'n Midnight

Why is it spelt camouflage and not

MonkieSocks

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?.......................................Virgin Mobile.

MonkieSocks

To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian

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Me and my half brother aren't allowed to play with chainsaws anymore!

 

MonkieSocks

What what’s the psychiatric term for fear of Santa Claus? Claustrophobia

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My friend lost his ear in an accident and had to have a pigs ear transplanted on.

I asked him, "Is it was working ok?"

He said, "It's fine apart from a bit of crackling!"