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One-Liner Jokes

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    #5762
    Ted222
    Registered Users Posts: 316 ✭✭Ted222


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122331613#Comment_122331613

    Gold.



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    #5763
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 776 ✭✭✭xlogo


    "My mate has a Quality Street chocolate stuck in his windpipe."

    "The purple one?"

    "Yes, that's him."



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    #5764
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 776 ✭✭✭xlogo


    If I had a Euro for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.



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    #5765
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 91,627 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I can only sleep on a pile of old magazines, I've got back issues.



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    #5766
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 776 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Thank you for calling the aquarium.

    Calls may be recorded for training porpoises..



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    #5767
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,400 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    How many narcissists dies it take to change a light bulb?

    None. They use gas lighting...

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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    #5768
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 776 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Breaking news:

    Reports of a catering failure at the Spoonerisms Society conference have turned out to be a lack of pies.



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    #5769
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 776 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I've just come out of Lidl with a carton of milk.

    It was an impulse buy. I only went in there for an angle grinder, air fryer, and stand-up paddleboard.



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    #5770
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,651 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    There is a horse racing later called the dalai lama.

    I'd put some money on it, if I were a Tibetan man....



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    #5771
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,651 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Not sure I agree with Trumps appointment of JD Vance. If he really wants to move the country forward he should have picked his brother AD.



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    #5772
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,400 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Snow White felt happy.

    Happy felt violated....

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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    #5773
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,849 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122389626#Comment_122389626

    So Happy felt Grumpy.



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    #5774
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 776 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’

    That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.



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    #5775
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,651 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Apparently when Gareth handed his resignation in to the FA they passed it back to him, he passed it to Bellingham, he passed it sideways to Kane who then passed it back to the keeper.



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    #5776
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,651 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Me: “Sorry I was late I broke down on the way to work”

    Boss: “Is the car fine now?”

    Me: “Car?”



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    #5777
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 776 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My car broke down so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine.

    He said, "Hello Sir, you are a handsome man and very nicely dressed too."

    I could immediately see the problem...

    Bat flattery.



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    #5778
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,651 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Microsoft outage delayed my flight.

    Regretting asking for a Windows seat.



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    #5779
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 776 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Been trying to learn how to guess the weight of dogs - picked up a few pointers yesterday.



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    #5780
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users Posts: 4,172 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Bought my son an alarm clock for his birthday , that swears instead of beeping.

    He’s in for a rude awakening.



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