One-Liner Jokes

GerryRyan

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend ?

Wiped his ass

KMack

1st post...

How do you get a fat girl into bed??





...piece o' cake...

the Shades

What were John Lennon's last words?

"Don't worry Yoko it's just a water pist..."

Capt'n Midnight

how can you tell when a woman has had an orgasm?
she forgets to put away the vibrator.


What did the duck tell the bartender to do with the tab?
Take it back and get him a diet pepsi.


Why can't a duck feel it's feet?
It doesn't have arms and hands.


A Clown and a Mime were doing tricks in the park.
The were arrested when one of their tricks turned out to be an undercover cop.


What has 18 legs and catches flies?
4 and a half frogs.


What do you do with a Wombat?
You play wom with it.


How do you top a car?
You tep on the brake, tupid.


What's brown and sounds like a bell?
"Dung"

ThE_IVIAcIVIAIV

Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me im going in!

Q. What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It's arse!

Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
A. They both have the ability to misfire.

Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A. Because their plugged into a genius!

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.

Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the **** out of the dog

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass

Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 3 Stone !

Capt'n Midnight

Q: What do you get if you cross a polar bear and a harp seal?
A: A bear faced lyre!

Q: Why is the slippery ice like music?
A: If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!

Q: What kind of maths do Owls like?
A: Owlgebra.

Q: What eight letters can you find in water ?
A: H to O!

Q: Why was the Saami herder given an umbrella?
A: Because of the rain, dear.

Q: If you live in an igloo, what's the worst thing about global warming?
A: No privacy!

Q: What do you use to catch an Arctic hare?
A: A hare net!

Q: What do you call ten hares hopping backwards together?
A: A receding hare line.

Q: Why are bad grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean?
A: They're both below C level!

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that only eats endangered plants?

Capt'n Midnight

Q. What is the difference between a co-pilot and a duck?
A. The duck can fly..

Capt'n Midnight

How do you send a 2 dimensional man to New York?
By Plane.

Lust4Life

How do you get a lead guitarist to stop playing?
Put sheet music in front of him!

How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. They stand on a ladder and the world revolves around them!

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to actually do it and eleven to stand around discussing how they could do it better.

Sorry, used to be in a band! Couldn't resist!

Peyton Manning

How did the knacker find his sister in the woods?
Quite good, apparently....

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

Did you hear about the carrot that died?
There was a huge turnip at his funeral. (turn up)

Whats big and green and if it fell on you it would kill you?
A golf course.

Whats really annoying?
6 upside down (a nine!)





Genius :cool:

Dun laoire

If you forgot what you forgot to forget how do you forget what you forgot?

Seriously, i should go back to work now.:D

Fabritzo

That sounds suspiciously like a tongue twister from bosco!

trillianv

A horse goes into a bar and says "Hay, Bartender."

Dun laoire

Fabritzo wrote:

That sounds suspiciously like a tongue twister from bosco!

Maybe, i dont know. I just typed and thats what came out:D Is it bad to laugh at your own stupid jokes?

Piste

Did you hear about the Irish Al'quaida deserter?
Abdul Abhaile

the little one

gorillas mot as scare now

mmmbop babe

Oh My God did u all here what happened in my local chipper last night?

A sausage got battered!!



2 blonds walk into a bar, ud think 1 of them would have seen it!


a 3 legged dog walks into an old western saloon, nd says to the barman.....'im looking for the man who shot my paw'


A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back."


ya cn never go wrong with a blond joke!!

Angus MacGyver

What do you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
Well Endowed.

rcaz

Did you hear Sky Sports just got the rights for the Origami World Cup? It's going to be paper view.

mickrourke

When i die I want to go peaceful in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and terrified like his passengers...

Capt'n Midnight

Anyway, time to visit my masseuse. She leaves no stern untoned.

kraggy

what do you call a Russian with 3 balls?

hoojanickdabollockov:D

BaZmO*

Q: What's the first sign of madness?
A: Suggs walking up your driveway.

Capt'n Midnight

Heard about the new Viagra eye drops ? They make you look hard.


A consignment of Viagra was stolen from Felixstowe docks, the police are looking for two hardened criminals.


Then there was the Hyena who ate an OXO cube and made himself into a laughing stock!



I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.


I went to the dentist. He said: "Say aaah." I said "Why?" He said, "My dog's died."

I was getting into my car and this bloke says: "Can you give me a lift?" I said: "Sure, you look great, world's your oyster, go for it."


"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey



Latest Bumper Stickers.
Driver carries no Cash - He's Married.
Are you having phone sex or do you always drive that way ?
Can't feed 'em - Dont breed them.
Keep Honking - I'm reloading .



Q. What goes round a light at 150 mph?
A. Stirling Moth.


What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.

What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.


Why are chavs buired 12 foot under?
Because deep down, they're really nice people

BaZmO*

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Philippe Flop.

Capt'n Midnight

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

K9P.

Capt'n Midnight

Don't anthropomorphize computers, they don't like it.

What happens when a polar bear sits on the ice too long?
He gets polaroids.

What a polar bear?
A rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation

Reaver772

Q. How did the man get his car to go from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds?
A. He put weightscales on the seat and told his wife to drive

Q. Whats the defination of suspicion?
A. A priest doing pushups in long grass.

Q. How do you castrate a priest?
A. Kick an altar boy in the jaw.

RoadSweeper

Reaver772 wrote:

Q. How do you castrate a priest?
A. Kick an altar boy in the jaw.

back of the head?

edson

what's the first thing an english girl does in the morning?

goes home...