One-Liner Jokes

byrner88

man who run infront of car get tired!
man who run behind car get exhusted!

byrner88

I was going to be a comiden but everbody laughed at me

Capt'n Midnight

My dream of being an archeologist ended when I realised my career was in ruins.

canoea

i got it at the same time fascinating for it

MichaelJos17

haha

MichaelJos17

i was in stitches! hilarious jokes! dont mind the player-haters

misty floyd

why did the condom go flying across the room?

It was piss3d off

Scrotum

How do you catch a gay mouse?

With a puffy cat.

Skellington

what did one snow-man say to the other snow-man?

do you smell carrots?

Stabshauptmann

Old lawyers dont die, they just lose their appeal

BobbyD10

Powers Irish Whiskey and Viagra have teamed up, and yes now you can literally pour yourself a stiff one..!!!

Capt'n Midnight

she was only a poteen makers daughter, but he loved her still

Stabshauptmann

I hate that spelling, and when people write guardí.
Its Poitín, in fairness its even pronounced differently. And while Im at it, the little green man on my shoulder is a leipreachán

Scrotum

Little boy blue.....,

He needed the money.

mehfesto2

Has Groucho Marx's stuff been done yet? If not:

Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend... inside a dog it's too dark to read...

"What do you mean I'm not allowed in the swimming pool because Im jewish?!?... Okay, well my daughters only half-jewish, can she go in uo to her waist?"

Twinkle-star15

Sorry if it was already posted:

Bob: I f*cked your ma last night...
Joe: :cool:
Bob: Yeah, I'm into MILFs...
Joe: It's okay, I f*cked your ma last night...
Bob: :eek:
Joe: Yeah, I'm into necrophilia...

Matt Holck

no, I'm surfing on my pocket pc

rcaz

"I'm so horny, the crack of dawn better be careful around me."

-Tom Waits

BaZmO*

A group a friends had a whip round at Christmas and bought me a Sweater. Tbh though, I would've preferred a Screamer or a Moaner.

Oblomov

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the
taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other e eight are
unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)



"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had
a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne


Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having
allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a p****, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams?

Oblomov

She was only the fishmonger's daughter but she lay on the slab and said fillet

She was only the grave digger's daughter but she loved to lie under the sod

The driver of the run away hearse went into the chemists and asked " Have you got anything to stop the coffin"

What happens if you drop a grand piano down a mine shaft? You get an A flat minor

stooge

Oblomov wrote:

She was only the fishmonger's daughter but she lay on the slab and said fillet

She was only the grave digger's daughter but she loved to lie under the sod

She was only the road layers daughter but she loved her asphalt

She was only the pilots daughter but she regularly serviced her cockpit

mathias

She was only a coalminers daughter , but there was plenty of slack in her knickers

Capt'n Midnight

PLUMBER'S daughter but she sure gave my heart a wrench.

BUTCHER'S daughter but she could REALLY pack Salami!

STOCKBROKER'S daughter but she could really ride the BULLS!

TAXI DRIVER'S daughter but she knew how to keep your meter running

ACCOUNTANT'S daughter but she sure knew how to keep her BOTTOM line profitable.

FISHMONGER'S daughter she had crabs on her plaice, poor soul.

ELECTRICIAN'S daughter but she had all the right connections.

COAL MINER'S daughter but she had a mine of her own.

MARINE COLONEL'S daughter but she was rotten to the corps.

ARTIST'S daughter but she knew where to draw the line.

BUS DRIVER'S daughter but she knew where to get off.

ARCHITECT'S daughter but she knew all the angles.

FISHERMAN'S daughter but when she saw my rod she reeled.

Capt'n Midnight

She was only a Tram-Conductor's daughter --
but she never knew when to stop.

She was only a Bookie's daughter --
but she always came home at 5 to 4.

She was only a Grocer's daughter and
she said "No" -- but Marmite.

She was only a Baker's daughter --
but she kneaded the dough."




Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q. Why to lawyers wear ties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern.







Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?
Shhh and kiss me!

Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?
- I don't know dear, ask your father.

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shhhh son, you'll wake your father.

Mommy, Mommy! The milkman's here!
Have you got the money or should I go out and play?

Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shhhhh and reload

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shhhh and step on the gas!

"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shush up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shhhh up and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shush up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shhhh and eat what's put in front of you.

Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?
Shhh and get back in the oven!

Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.

Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shush and get back in the oven.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shhhh! or I'll chop off the other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
Not today, we already dug her up three times this week.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!

Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.

Billy, let go of Susie's ear.
Billy! Let go of her ear!
All right Billy, give me the ear.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate

Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.

Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up son or I'll nail your other foot to the floor

Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.

Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!

Mommy Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.
Shut up or I'll flush it again.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgs for supper!
Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice!
Shut up and drink it before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.

Mommy Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spagetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.

Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
Shut up and eat around it.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma's nail.
Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won't fit over your iron lung.

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?
Yes, now shut up and get the jar!


Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!
Shut up and close the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!

Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?
Shut up and search the sand traps!

Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!

Hagar

An avalanche of funnies. Well done all 'round.

K-9

Just because your paranoid doesn't mean there not out to get u!

Capt'n Midnight

A blonde goes into a hardware shop and asks for a hinge. The guy behind the counter asks her if she would like a screw for the hinge. She replies; "no, but I'll give you a blow job for that hoover!"

AileStrikeZaku

seveer wrote:

what do you say to a zen buddhist hot dog vendor ??



make me one with everything

The buddhist then asks the vendor for his change. The vendor replies - Change must come from within

drunk_monk

think my wife is getting a little nearsighted.

I woke up this morning, she was sucking on the bedpost.