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One-Liner Jokes

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    #692
    Oliverdog
    Registered Users Posts: 968 ✭✭✭Oliverdog


    They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian - but they're not laughing now! (Bob Monkhouse)


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    #693
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 91,175 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I just to be a kleptomaniac, but it's OK because now I'm taking something for it.


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    #694
    Trinity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,662 ✭✭✭Trinity


    Kid bursts into her parents bedroom and screams "jesus christ and you want me to stop sucking my thumb"!


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    #695
    Jesus Wept
    Registered Users Posts: 25,243 ✭✭✭✭Jesus Wept


    Shell wrote:
    3 blondes walk in2 a building
    .
    .
    .
    .
    u think one of them wud o' seen it!!!

    ____________________________________________

    There's a 'Mark' on my page -> :p



    this doesn't qualify as a joke.


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    #696
    Cozmo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13 ✭Cozmo


    Why the girl fall off the swing? She had no arms.


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    #697
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    people say im homophobic but im not scared of houses


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    #698
    dulpit
    Registered Users Posts: 10,709 ✭✭✭✭dulpit


    Cozmo wrote:
    Why the girl fall off the swing? She had no arms.

    Why couldn't she get back up again? She had no legs.

    Why wouldn't anybody help her? She had no friends.


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    #699
    Dark Artist
    Registered Users Posts: 387 ✭✭Dark Artist


    Did you hear about the magic tractor?

    It went down the road and turned into a field.


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    #700
    RadioGaGa
    Closed Accounts Posts: 113 ✭✭RadioGaGa


    did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
    he couldn't control his pupils!

    did you hear i have to go to an early funeral on wednesday?
    it's ok but i'm not really a mourning person!


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    #701
    Goodluck2me
    Registered Users Posts: 5,403 ✭✭✭Goodluck2me


    Capt'n Midnight wrote:
    A blonde goes into a hardware shop and asks for a hinge. The guy behind the counter asks her if she would like a screw for the hinge. She replies; "no, but I'll give you a blow job for that hoover!"
    :)


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    #702
    EamonnKeane
    Closed Accounts Posts: 950 ✭✭✭EamonnKeane


    A Protestant minister, a Catholic priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The barman says, "What it this, some kind of joke?"


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    #703
    loismustdie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,208 ✭✭✭loismustdie


    wat's yellow an dangerous?
    shark infested custard

    wat did one mouse say to the other mouse?
    come around the corner an i'l show you my hole

    what's orange and sounds like a parrott?
    a carrot


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    #704
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 91,175 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    How do elephants hide in custard ?
    paint their feet yellow and lie upside down.

    Have you ever seen an elephant in custard ?
    work's doesn't it !


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    #705
    junkyard
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,579 ✭✭✭junkyard


    Did you hear about the Kerryman who thought Hertz Van Rental was a Dutch artist?


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    #706
    bigtimecharlie
    Registered Users Posts: 2,075 ✭✭✭bigtimecharlie


    Did you hear about the dyslexic raver?

    He took an "f"....................


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    #707
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 91,175 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Did you hear about the dyslexic raver?

    He took a "3"....................


    And the dyslexic cultist who sold his soul to Santa.
    The dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse


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    #708
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    "Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer."


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    #709
    Hagar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,793 ✭✭✭✭Hagar


    Guy #1: "Its times like this that I wish I had listened to what my mother said"
    Guy #2: "Well what did she say?"
    Guy #1: "I have no idea - I didn't listen to her"


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    #710
    Dark Artist
    Registered Users Posts: 387 ✭✭Dark Artist


    Two bats walk into a bar - you'd think one of them would have heard it.


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    #711
    BaZmO*
    Registered Users Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    Knock Knock!
    "Who's there?"

    Knock Knock!
    "Who's there?

    "Knock Knock!
    "Who's there?

    "Knock Knock!
    "Who's there?"

    "Quick, someone open the coffin I don't think Grandad is dead!!"


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    #712
    insular
    Registered Users Posts: 30 ✭insular


    Raz wrote:
    What's pinnk and fluffy??
    Pink Fluff
    :)

    Whats blue and flufy??!
    Pink Fluff holding its breath!


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    #713
    rubyred
    Closed Accounts Posts: 189 ✭✭rubyred


    Why did the rabbit cross the road - to prove he had guts.


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    #714
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 91,175 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why did the hedgehog cross the road ? To see his flatmate


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    #715
    Fremen
    Registered Users Posts: 2,481 ✭✭✭Fremen


    Did you hear about the hippie who drowned at sea?

    The lifeguard couldn't save him 'cos he was too far out


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    #716
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    im not always right but im never wrong!


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    #717
    GreeBo
    Registered Users Posts: 27,161 ✭✭✭✭GreeBo


    What goes "Ha ha ha bump"
    a man laughing his head off


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    #718
    CiaraBelle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 61 ✭✭CiaraBelle


    Why was the mushroom invited to the party??

    Because he was a fungi!



    *silly but never fails to get a smile*


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    #719
    stooge
    Registered Users Posts: 1,400 ✭✭✭stooge


    Young Boy: "Mummy, is it true people can be taken apart like machines??"

    Mother: "No Son, what on earth gave you that idea?"

    Young Boy: "Well, its just last night when you were out I heard daddy on the phone saying he screwed the arse off his secretary."


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    #720
    BaZmO*
    Registered Users Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

    "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."


    "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."


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    #721
    Who by fire
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2 ✭Who by fire


    Patient: "I've broken my arms in two places"
    Doctor:"Stop going to those places"

    How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday?
    Tell her a joke on a Thursday.

    Two aerials fall in love and get married. The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant!

    Ah, Tommy Cooper


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