One-Liner Jokes

byrner88 · 18-08-2007 4:57pm

a man walks into the doctors and says im a cumpulsive lair . the doctor says i dont believe you

Itsallzen · 21-08-2007 7:00pm

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her.

Jesus Wept · 22-08-2007 12:49am

Itsallzen wrote:

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her.

Whats the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 8 pints.

Wacker · 22-08-2007 12:20pm

Q. Did you hear about the fire at the Circus?

A. The heat was in tents.

Q. How do you kill a circus?

A. Go straight for the juggler!

echter · 24-08-2007 1:47pm

how do you know if there are elephants in your bed

it says E on their pajamas

how do you know if there are elephants in your house???

their bikes are parked outside

a man walks into a shop and says to the cashier
Can i have a brown sliced pan?
the worker says
I'm sorry we only have white
the man says
It's ok my cars outside

halfinch · 24-08-2007 2:27pm

Headcase wrote:

i finally found a woman just like my mother,
i brought her home, my father doesn't like her!

Ah dirty dancing

CelticPhantom · 24-08-2007 2:42pm

Rollo Tamasi wrote:

what do you call a gay dinosuar?
A megasourass

What do you call an invisible dinosuar?
Doyouthinkhesawus

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickALotAPuss

sheeep · 26-08-2007 1:13pm

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.

Arctic_Monkeh · 26-08-2007 4:54pm

Man goes to the doctor with a problem.

"Doc ya gotta help me i think im shrinking?!"

To which the doctor replies, "You'll just have to be a little patient":D

These may have been posted before but lets just go with it...

What do you call a zoo with only one dog in it?

A ****zu:p

Arctic_Monkeh · 26-08-2007 4:55pm

Man goes to the doctor with a problem.

"Doc ya gotta help me i think im shrinking?!"

To which the doctor replies, "You'll just have to be a little patient":D

These may have been posted before but lets just go with it...

What do you call a zoo with only one dog in it?

A Sh!tzu:p

Ava Grace · 30-08-2007 8:24pm

The best one liner ever......

What's black and blue and sits on a tree?

A crow in a denim jacket

Victor · 31-08-2007 7:36pm

Its a 'non joke'.

Mahatma coat · 01-09-2007 6:26am

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/words_that_end_in_gry.png

from XKCD, appropriate response to Non/Anti jokes methinks:)

kev_s88 · 11-09-2007 1:47pm

what did the bra say to the hat???

you go on a head while i give these two a lift!!!

cracks me up every time

Green Giant · 17-09-2007 12:34pm

The best thing about Russian roulette is that you can only lose once.

Going to work at 7am this morning, I walked in front of a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel.

BaZmO* · 17-09-2007 2:33pm

Why are Pirates called Pirates?

They just Arrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!

RadioCity · 21-09-2007 6:57am

Two Donegal cows standing in a field.

Which one is going on holidays?

The one with the wee calf.

MBC · 21-09-2007 2:39pm

What did one snowman say to the other snowman:

"Can you smell carrots"

Hagar · 22-09-2007 7:36pm

A bird in the hand makes it difficult to blow your nose.
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
Age happens.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Fishing is the sport of drowning worms.
Daylight savings time: Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I once had a dog I named "peeve" so I could really say, "I have a pet peeve."
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I discovered today that goldfish do not like Jell-O.
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
In order to avoid criticism, never do anything. Ever.
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
Most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if it says, "Open somewhere else"?
No man knows less than the man who knows it all.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Not afraid of heights...afraid of widths.
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order.
The four stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He plays Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
The world is full of willing people: Some willing to work and some willing to let them.
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
What do you call a chicken that is afraid?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?