One-Liner Jokes

richie_rvf

Statistically speaking 2 out of 3 people are wondering where the third person went!!

Green Giant

Too many idiots, not enough villages

komodosp

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a pint of guinness and a mop

mondymike

not my own, but hilarious:

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

If at first you don't succeed, try left field.

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.

I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.

It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

mondymike

and more blatant one liners;

Never Be a Hallmark

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the #$&@* was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age - almost life like!"

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket. I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep."

dak

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

dak

Constipated People Don't Give A crap .

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.

Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

My Kid Got Your Honour Roll Student Pregnant.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling!

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

If You're Not A Haemorrhoid, Get Off My butt.

I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

If Sex Is A Pain In The butt, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

dak

I bought a horse. In its first race it went out 25 to 1. The only problem is that all the other horses left at 12:30.

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Sign at the foot of a ski slope: Laws of Gravity Strictly Enforced.

---

Old skiers never die...they just go over the hill


________________________________________________________________

Bowling is a sport that should be right down your alley.

Green Giant

I was woken up this morning by a tap on the door. My plumber has a weird sense of humour.

WhiteAl

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.




<link to book removed>

condra

triv88 wrote: »

why did the lil gurl have no eyes?


cos they got gouged out by a seagull

LMFAO

dak

Yo momma is so fat that when she passed by the televesion, we missed three episodes!!!

acdcrock

What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards?







A receding hareline bahahahah

dak

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: It may take a while for me to get hard, I just got laid yesterday.

tmac101

acdcrock wrote: »

What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards?







A receding hareline bahahahah

LMAO!

dak

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

dak

Can you sue Santy if he doen't deliver ?

Hell no he's got immunity

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An escape claus !!!


Runs to get the Rein deer!!


HOHO OH OH OH HO ! I'm a devil 666 !

blinkey 101

why did the man call his canaries one and two?....beacuse if one flew away he still had two:)

Mint Sauce

Just had a knock at the door and there was 6ft beetle stood on my doorstep. Punched me right in the fecking face.













There's a nasty bug going around.

dak

dak wrote: »

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: It may take a while for me to get hard, I just got laid yesterday.

haha lovely!

blinkey 101

whats the difference between a fart and a ****e ? not sure? you better check your self the next time you think you fart so.

blinkey 101

Kharn wrote: »

Folks - these are supposed to be ONE LINERS! A one liner does not take the format of Q & A...

shush go asleep if you dont want to share a joke:)and chillax its just fun....

komodosp

Q: How does a Jew make beer?





A: Hebrews!

FunkZ

What happened to the short sighted circumciser?
He got the sack!

Rabies

blinkey 101 wrote: »

shush go asleep if you dont want to share a joke:)and chillax its just fun....

19-08-2003 was the date Kharn posted. He used to be one of the Humour mods.

'Chillax' *shudder* I hate that word.

patmac

Rabies wrote: »

'Chillax' *shudder* I hate that word.

Reout will ya (I hate them madeddyuppy words as well there not like proper English or noffing)

callaway92

A Cat falls into a puddle...
A Rooster laughs at it,,,,
The moral of the story is,,,that..A WET PUSSY ALWAYS MAKE A COCK FEEL GOOD...:D:D:D

Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the piss out the underpants.

SeamusShocks

did ya hear about the Kerry Humpty Dumpty

the wall fell on top of him:eek:

blinkey 101

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me:D