One-Liner Jokes

andy23

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andy23

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andy23

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BioHazRd

andy23 - you are not being funny. Please don't bother posting that type of stuff here - we are not 4chan. Consider this a friendly warning

bfcman

A midget covered in concrete? A little hard man

Who killed all the fish in the sea? Billy the Squid
Who killed Billy the Squid? Jack the Kipper
Who Killed Jack The Kipper? The Codfather

What Do you call acondom full of money? Johnny Cash

I'll get my coat:(

!

This is one from the local priest.

"A man walked into a bar.




ARRRRGGGHHH.


It was an iron bar"

bfcman

What do you call a woman with no arms? Helen

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Well not Helen

admiralofthefleet

All I got for my last birthday was a pack of sticky playing cards

I found it really hard to deal with

marcsignal

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and Alex Ferguson ??

Alex Ferguson will be playing gigs in August :pac:

fish fingers

Did you hear about the man with square balls??

He had cubic hair:o

thee glitz

A lady walks into a bar, asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.

NH2909

Wife to husband lets do the missionary position, I stay here and you f**k
off to Africa

mink_man

marcsignal wrote: »

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and Alex Ferguson ??

Alex Ferguson will be playing gigs in August :pac:

no mj jokes!

dak

What's Irish and stays out all night........?





..
.
.




Patty O'Furniture


*************************************

What do you call the Irish inventor of walking through walls?







Patty O'Doors

NH2909

Proverb
"Never put a man down until you have walked a mile in his shoes"
That way you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes.

byrner88

last year i asked santa for something to wear and something to play with so he gave me a pair of jeans with a hole in one of the pockets

AdamusAdonis

Now, I've heard this is a Chinese Proverb, so if you appreciate that, then you'll see why it's so funny...


A child's life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark.

NH2909

The beatings will continue until moral improves.

Whats pink and wobbly and hangs out your pj's?
Your Granny.

Whats does Bob Marley like in his doghnuts?
Jam'in.
And the Wailers?
Well I hope they like jam'in too.

Why was booze invented?
So ugly f***ers can get laid aswell.

Jay D

<snip> Post a joke, don't knock those already posted - Hagar <snip>

jc7

I don't know why Sir Alex Ferguson signed Michael Owen.

If he wanted a player who could consistently find the net, he should have signed Andy Murray.

Capt'n Midnight

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

Capt'n Midnight

Where do you weigh whales? At a whale weigh station!



How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.

Who are the coolest guys in a Hospital?
The ultra-sound guys.

dak

Did ya hear the one about the cannibal who toasted his mother in law on her birthday?



....now theres an idea !

dak

Whats the definition of a queer irishman? one who prefers women to drink.

bacon?

what's green and sits in the corner...






































the incredible sulk

Scrambled egg

What can you serve but not eat?












A tennis ball

TT Bone

What do you call a cow with no legs?


Ground Beef




What do you call a cow with 2 legs?



Lean Beef


Made me laugh anyway:D

dak

Why was Cleopatra so negative?

Because she was queen of denial.

jc7

Craig David is quitting his singing career to join the British Olympic 2012 Archery team. He's going to be their bow selector.

eamonnf

The-Rigger wrote: »

Whats the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 8 pints.

Whats the difference between ooh and aah?

About three inches

eamonnf

bacon? wrote: »

what's green and sits in the corner...






































the incredible sulk

Whats green and smells?

The hulks fart.

jc7

Alcohol: It makes you want to slip into something warm, wet and meaty.

Unfortunately, this will usually just be a kebab.

jc7

People are asking if the guys who constructed the set for Madonna's Paris concert regularly made mistakes. Turns out it was just a stage they were going through.

dak

Whats a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?


Hump me, Dump me

fobster

What's the most ironically named town in Ireland?

Jobstown, cause there's fuck all jobs in the town! :pac:

MBC

All this fuss about the Romanians getting chased out of Belfast. Where's the Big Issue?

Gillington

LittleNipper wrote: »

Who are the coolest guys in a Hospital?
The ultra-sound guys.

What about when they're on holidays??

The hip-replacement guys!

PaddyBomb

How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?

Follow the fresh prints!


Did you hear Jonathon Ross got arrested for stealing kitchen utinsels?

He said it was a whisk he had to take!

Sarah Bear

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Because the seaweed.

PS. anyone know Teresa Green ?

My boyfriends nanny was called teresa greene!!!:eek::P

eamonnf

MBC wrote: »

All this fuss about the Romanians getting chased out of Belfast. Where's the Big Issue?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Big Iss
Big Iss who?
No Thanks!

eamonnf

How fast is sex?
68 because at 69 you stop and turn around!!:D

mattysin

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

If Gregor Mendel had been alive today he would have gotten a Nobel Prize for Peas.

if i ever get this joke please someone shoot me.

Victor

mattysin wrote: »

if i ever get this joke please someone shoot me.

Mendel did genetic research on peas.

CDfm

mattysin wrote: »

if i ever get this joke please someone shoot me.

BANG

mattysin

CDfm wrote: »

BANG

i dont get it !!

mattysin

Victor wrote: »

Mendel did genetic research on peas.

oh yeah everyone knows that . but i still dont get it as a joke

is it funny ?

maybe you had to be there

CDfm

mattysin wrote: »

i dont get it !!

Gregor Mendel was an Austrian monk and scientist whose work was contemporaneous with Charles Darwins and is known as the "father of genetics" (that makes him a serious heavyweight in Science Circles and would have won him a Nobel Prize in another era)and formulated the mechanism of heredity which eluded Charles Darwin who couldnt understand how traits were passed on. Darwin never read Mendel( but Mendel was influenced by Darwin) and his work went uncommented on until the 1900s. His experiments were on Peas so were used in horticulture.

Hence the joke Nobel Prize for Peas the farmers knew and horticulturalists knew what the serious scientists didnt.Very droll.

(Amazing the stuff you pick up on the Atheists and Agnostics forum)

mattysin

CDfm wrote: »

Gregor Mendel was an Austrian monk and scientist whose work was contemporaneous with Charles Darwins and is known as the "father of genetics" (that makes him a serious heavyweight in Science Circles and would have won him a Nobel Prize in another era)and formulated the mechanism of heredity which eluded Charles Darwin who couldnt understand how traits were passed on. Darwin never read Mendel( but Mendel was influenced by Darwin) and his work went uncommented on until the 1900s. His experiments were on Peas so were used in horticulture.

Hence the joke Nobel Prize for Peas the farmers knew and horticulturalists knew what the serious scientists didnt.Very droll.

(Amazing the stuff you pick up on the Atheists and Agnostics forum)

ok no need to be so condesending im never gonna get it .

so what has that got to do with fishsticks ??

CDfm

mattysin wrote: »

ok no need to be so condesending im never gonna get it .

so what has that got to do with fishsticks ??

the peas you need the correct colour peas to go with the fishsticks or the plate looks all wrong.