One-Liner Jokes

scouttio

what did the bra say to the hat?
you go on ahead and il give these two a lift

dak

What happened to the frog who broke down ?

.
.
.

He got toad away!

Diairist

CDfm wrote: »

the peas you need the correct colour peas to go with the fishsticks or the plate looks all wrong.

not that it matters or anything, but peas sounds a bit like peace *shuffle* *slight squirm* Nobel prize *tiny bang way in the back ground, body falls*

Diairist

CDfm wrote: »

the peas you need the correct colour peas to go with the fishsticks or the plate looks all wrong.

not that it matters or anything, but peas sounds a bit like peace *slight squirm* .....Nobel prize *tiny bang way in the back ground, body falls*

hollymount

Man goes to the doctor - a frog stuck to the top of his head.

Doctor says " that looks very nasty."

Yes replies the frog "it started off as a pimple on my arse".

admiralofthefleet

Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?






Because hes married.

jc7

I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans...

jc7

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

MBC

A tramp stopped me today and said "i haven't tasted food in a week." i told him "relax, it still tastes the same"

Leixlip_Red

Some grat ones here guys... keeping me entertained on a quiet day in work...

Keep 'em coming!

jc7

I thought Katie Price had launched some bread products with her name on it. but I looked again and it just said 'thick cut'.

jc7

Steven Gerrard's lawyer has confirmed that he took a backseat today as Mr Gerrard expressed a desire to defend himself.

So naturally he punched the Judge and the Jury first.

jc7

My first attempt at being a DJ didnt get off to a good start!

On reflection perhaps playing Kylie Minogue's, Cant get you out of my head, wasn't a good choice for the first song at the first annual dance for the schizophrenic society.

ShagNastii

John: Of course I can

Paddy: Can you tell the future?

jc7

Viagra proudly sponsors Andy Murray, for men who can only reach semis.

jc7

In these times of Reccession, Bob the Builder has changed his name!

To Bob!

jc7

Like most people my age,

I'm 30.

jc7

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

jc7

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

jc7

My wife said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up it's gonna erect a barrier between us.

Ha ha ha, erect.

jc7

I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

jc7

I started writing poetry the other day:

POETR

That's coming along nicely.

jc7

How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.

jc7

Statistics say women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms for the relationship.

Men say, "Big deal, try faking a relationship just for the shag!"

jc7

Witnesses at the scene of the Ronaldo crash say he was only lightly tapped by a car from behind, when all of the sudden the car flipped over and rolled ten times. It then span around on the spot for two minutes, then all the wheels fell off and it caught fire.

jc7

Does anyone know how to cancel ebay bids?....

I've just accidentally bid on a Mickey Mouse outfit and now I'm 20 minutes away from owning West Ham.

jc7

Lionel Richie has officially announced today that he is turning to the Muslim faith...

To celebrate, he is releasing a new song entitled: 'Halal, is it meat your looking for?'

Thomas828

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper? He spent the rest of his life worshipping Stan.

Jako8

Sorry if these were already posted.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a, work station... What more can I say

Living on Earth may be expensive... but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

NH2909

A report just in seems now its believed the swine flu no longer originated in Mexico but came from the deadly strain of "blue flu" back in may 1998.

sammywilsonjnr

Hear about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field.

Pj!

sammywilsonjnr wrote: »

Hear about the magic tractor..................................................

For the 9th time on this thread!!!

sammywilsonjnr

aaah ballicks - apologies! got about half way through and was buckled over laughing, skipped to the end. How about the fly with no wings...........a walk?

browner85

bono fell off the stage last night...................he was standing too close tothe edge..... oh yea!!!!!1:D:D:D;)

Interyurauldone

Forky wrote: »

For the 9th time on this thread!!!

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?

jc7

Has anyone else noticed that dyslexia is an anagram of zebra?

andysheehan2003

why do leprachans wear 2 condoms?

to be sure, to be sure!!!!!

admiralofthefleet

I overheard my daughter and her pals saying they were going to the club tonight to enter a wet t-shirt competition

Ill be the judge of that

admiralofthefleet

Me and my horse just dont get along, whenever i try and get on him he tries to kick me.

I think it would be fair to say we dont have a very stable relationship

fillmore jive

Q: Why did the monkey get lost in the jungle?

A: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2fpu5tCUu0

jc7

Apparently Pakistan's Taliban Leader Baitullah Mehsud had a €3m bounty on his head.

That's one expensive chocolate bar!

jc7

When i was young my fairy godmother asked me whether i wanted a long memory, or a long penis

I forget my response

jc7

Steven Tyler of Aerosmith has fallen off stage and received head, neck and shoulder injuries.

He probably should have walked THAT way.

jc7

I hate it when I get a text but I have to wait about half an hou *some text missing*

Thomas828

Did you hear about the three flies on the toilet seat? They were all p***ed off.

grunge_kid

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh :P

Rufus.T.Firefly

Q. How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?

A. 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

grunge_kid

Rufus.T.Firefly wrote: »

Q. How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?

A. 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

Nice i have a feeling i heard that before :P

Rufus.T.Firefly

Need cheering up?

Watch your wedding video backwards - you'll fookin love the bit where she takes the ring off, walks down the aisle, jumps in the car and fecks off!

Sheridg3

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they just aaaaaarrrrrghh!:D