One-Liner Jokes

Gryzor

its been over 20 years since the chernobyl disaster, and still no superheroes???

jc7

Two nuns riding their bikes round the back streets of Rome, one nun says to the other "I've never come this way before!"

The other nun says "I know, Its great, I think it must be the cobblestones!"

jc7

Brunette: "My boyfriend had dandruff so I gave him some head and shoulders."

Blonde: "How do you give shoulders?"

jc7

TV Talent show to find girl to play Jade Goody in the musical?

Wouldn't it be more realistic to find a person with no talent at all.

jc7

Anyone else think that if you pose for your driver's licence picture drunk, you'd get away with drink driving?

Capt'n Midnight

A man runs into his doctor and yells, 'Doctor, Doctor. My wife is pregnant, and she keeps yelling "shouldn't, can't, won't, couldn't!" over and over again! What do I do?'
The Doctor says, 'Calm down, it's nothing to worry about. She's just having contractions.'

Capt'n Midnight

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put him in the oven untill his bill withers.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Two ducks in a pond. One turns to the other and says, "Quack."
The other says, "yeah.... I was just gonna say that..."

neil_hosey

2 me da told me lately..

fella goes the doctor, says to the doctor "i cant stop feckin farting..its driving me insane!", on closer inspection, the doc gets a big rasper right in the face, doc turns around and grabs a big white pole "right" your man goes, "ur not going to shove that up my arse are ye"... doc says "no im gonna open a window.


2 cows in a field, one goes "jasus im a bit worried about this mad cows disease.. cows goin bonkers all over the place, what do you think?" the other says "sure why would i care, im a duck"


:cool:

Milky Joe

What do you call a Russian castrator?

Ivorknife Fornickingballsov

Capt'n Midnight

An astronomer looks at the sky through a telescope, searching for something. After a while he stands up, looks to the heavens, and yells, "You cannot be Sirius!"

jc7

I think it's hilarious they're calling it 'Swine Flu' just because a load of mexicans have it.

getz

INTERESTING LAWS---long beach california-it is illegal to swear on a mini-golf course--los angeles--you cannot possess a hippopotamus---arizona-donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs--nogles,arizona--suspenders may not be warn--alabama--it is illegal to wear a false moustache that causes laughter in church--you may not carry an ice cream in your back pocket at any time--you may not flick snot into the wind---italy--women named mary may not work as prostitutes--france--it is illegal to park a flying saucer in any french vineyard--delaware--it is an offence to pawn a wooden leg

jc7

Apparently Swine Flu can be passed on by handling money...

Recession doesn't seem so bad now does it.

jc7

Why did the Polygamist cross the road?

To get to the other bride.

banshee_bones

I wish my lawn was emo...



Then it would cut itself!





***

What do you call a guy who likes to fish?



Rod.



What do you call a guy who likes to dig holes?



Doug.

snazzy

I have a dream that some day chickens will be able to cross the road without having their motives questioned.

browner85

why dont packistan have a football team???????????

every time theres a corner they build a shop!!!!!!

jc7

I just read this news headline: "Higgins claims third world crown".

When did they start giving snooker champions rule over Africa?

admiralofthefleet

Everyone who tastes my homemade wine says it tastes horrible.

I think it's just sour grapes.

tfitzgerald

Being from Ireland, I love the summer.

It's my favourite day of the year

jc7

So its a Leicester vs Leinster Heineken Cup Final this year then...

You'd be screwed if you were dyslexic.

Loomis

While being bathed by his mother a youngster points to his testicles and asks "Is that my brain?"

"Not yet", says his mother.

Denis Irwin

Do you know someone who fixes Sat Nav's? I think mine is knackered. I put in a search for Chelsea and it told me it was just 2 minutes from Rome.

Euro_Kraut

HeeBeeGeeBee wrote: »

One legged dog walks into a bar in the wild west. Says to the barman.....

"I'M LOOKIN FOR THE MAN THAT SHOT MY PAW!"

3 legged?? Although I do love the image of a one legged dog walking into a bar.

jc7

What do Chelsea and a premature ejactulator have in common?

They both wish they could hold on for 3 more minutes

My great grandfather served in the Justin Timberlake regiment.

He fought in the Crimea River.

staker

what did the horse say to the one legged man?

"howyagettinon?"

**********
what did the crow say as it flew over the nudist camp?

"caw"

Dumbfr3ddi3

What did Beyonce say to the kid who lost his balloon?

"If you like it then you should of put a string on it."

Milky Joe

How does an elephant hide?

Paints his balls red and climbs a cherry tree


How did Tarzan die?

Picking cherries.