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One-Liner Jokes

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    #1322
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 91,353 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?


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    #1323
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 91,353 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Where do you weigh whales? At a whale weigh station!



    How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.


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    #1324
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Who are the coolest guys in a Hospital?
    The ultra-sound guys.


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    #1325
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    Did ya hear the one about the cannibal who toasted his mother in law on her birthday?



    ....now theres an idea !


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    #1326
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    Whats the definition of a queer irishman? one who prefers women to drink.


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    #1327
    bacon?
    Registered Users Posts: 782 ✭✭✭bacon?


    what's green and sits in the corner...






































    the incredible sulk


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    #1328
    Scrambled egg
    Registered Users Posts: 383 ✭✭Scrambled egg


    What can you serve but not eat?












    A tennis ball :p


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    #1329
    TT Bone
    Closed Accounts Posts: 26 ✭TT Bone


    What do you call a cow with no legs?


    Ground Beef




    What do you call a cow with 2 legs?



    Lean Beef


    Made me laugh anyway:D


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    #1330
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    Why was Cleopatra so negative?

    Because she was queen of denial.


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    #1331
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Craig David is quitting his singing career to join the British Olympic 2012 Archery team. He's going to be their bow selector.


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    #1332
    eamonnf
    Registered Users Posts: 46 ✭eamonnf


    The-Rigger wrote: »
    Whats the difference between a dog and a fox?

    About 8 pints.


    Whats the difference between ooh and aah?

    About three inches


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    #1333
    eamonnf
    Registered Users Posts: 46 ✭eamonnf


    bacon? wrote: »
    what's green and sits in the corner...






































    the incredible sulk


    Whats green and smells?

    The hulks fart.


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    #1334
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Alcohol: It makes you want to slip into something warm, wet and meaty.

    Unfortunately, this will usually just be a kebab.


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    #1335
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    People are asking if the guys who constructed the set for Madonna's Paris concert regularly made mistakes. Turns out it was just a stage they were going through.


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    #1336
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    Whats a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?


    Hump me, Dump me


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    #1337
    fobster
    Registered Users Posts: 947 ✭✭✭fobster


    What's the most ironically named town in Ireland?

    Jobstown, cause there's fuck all jobs in the town! :pac:


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    #1338
    MBC
    Registered Users Posts: 1,502 ✭✭✭MBC


    All this fuss about the Romanians getting chased out of Belfast. Where's the Big Issue?


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    #1339
    Gillington
    Registered Users Posts: 3,555 ✭✭✭Gillington


    LittleNipper wrote: »
    Who are the coolest guys in a Hospital?
    The ultra-sound guys.

    What about when they're on holidays??

    The hip-replacement guys!


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    #1340
    PaddyBomb
    Registered Users Posts: 954 ✭✭✭PaddyBomb


    How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?

    Follow the fresh prints!


    Did you hear Jonathon Ross got arrested for stealing kitchen utinsels?

    He said it was a whisk he had to take!


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    #1341
    Sarah Bear
    Registered Users Posts: 481 ✭✭Sarah Bear


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Because the seaweed.

    PS. anyone know Teresa Green ?

    My boyfriends nanny was called teresa greene!!!:eek::P


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    #1342
    eamonnf
    Registered Users Posts: 46 ✭eamonnf


    MBC wrote: »
    All this fuss about the Romanians getting chased out of Belfast. Where's the Big Issue?

    Knock Knock
    Whos there?
    Big Iss
    Big Iss who?
    No Thanks!


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    #1343
    eamonnf
    Registered Users Posts: 46 ✭eamonnf


    How fast is sex?
    68 because at 69 you stop and turn around!!:D


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    #1344
    mattysin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13 ✭mattysin


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    If Gregor Mendel had been alive today he would have gotten a Nobel Prize for Peas.

    if i ever get this joke please someone shoot me.


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    #1345
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,372 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    mattysin wrote: »
    if i ever get this joke please someone shoot me.
    Mendel did genetic research on peas.


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    #1346
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    mattysin wrote: »
    if i ever get this joke please someone shoot me.

    BANG


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    #1347
    mattysin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13 ✭mattysin


    CDfm wrote: »
    BANG


    i dont get it !!


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    #1348
    mattysin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13 ✭mattysin


    Victor wrote: »
    Mendel did genetic research on peas.



    oh yeah everyone knows that . but i still dont get it as a joke

    is it funny ?

    maybe you had to be there


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    #1349
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    mattysin wrote: »
    i dont get it !!

    Gregor Mendel was an Austrian monk and scientist whose work was contemporaneous with Charles Darwins and is known as the "father of genetics" (that makes him a serious heavyweight in Science Circles and would have won him a Nobel Prize in another era)and formulated the mechanism of heredity which eluded Charles Darwin who couldnt understand how traits were passed on. Darwin never read Mendel( but Mendel was influenced by Darwin) and his work went uncommented on until the 1900s. His experiments were on Peas so were used in horticulture.

    Hence the joke Nobel Prize for Peas the farmers knew and horticulturalists knew what the serious scientists didnt.Very droll.

    (Amazing the stuff you pick up on the Atheists and Agnostics forum)


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    #1350
    mattysin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13 ✭mattysin


    CDfm wrote: »
    Gregor Mendel was an Austrian monk and scientist whose work was contemporaneous with Charles Darwins and is known as the "father of genetics" (that makes him a serious heavyweight in Science Circles and would have won him a Nobel Prize in another era)and formulated the mechanism of heredity which eluded Charles Darwin who couldnt understand how traits were passed on. Darwin never read Mendel( but Mendel was influenced by Darwin) and his work went uncommented on until the 1900s. His experiments were on Peas so were used in horticulture.

    Hence the joke Nobel Prize for Peas the farmers knew and horticulturalists knew what the serious scientists didnt.Very droll.

    (Amazing the stuff you pick up on the Atheists and Agnostics forum)


    ok no need to be so condesending im never gonna get it .

    so what has that got to do with fishsticks ??


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    #1351
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    mattysin wrote: »
    ok no need to be so condesending im never gonna get it .

    so what has that got to do with fishsticks ??


    the peas you need the correct colour peas to go with the fishsticks or the plate looks all wrong.


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