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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

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    #1352
    scouttio
    Registered Users Posts: 386 ✭✭scouttio


    what did the bra say to the hat?
    you go on ahead and il give these two a lift


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    #1353
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    What happened to the frog who broke down ?

    .
    .
    .

    He got toad away!


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    #1354
    Diairist
    Registered Users Posts: 365 ✭✭Diairist


    CDfm wrote: »
    the peas you need the correct colour peas to go with the fishsticks or the plate looks all wrong.


    not that it matters or anything, but peas sounds a bit like peace *shuffle* *slight squirm* Nobel prize *tiny bang way in the back ground, body falls*


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    #1355
    Diairist
    Registered Users Posts: 365 ✭✭Diairist


    CDfm wrote: »
    the peas you need the correct colour peas to go with the fishsticks or the plate looks all wrong.


    not that it matters or anything, but peas sounds a bit like peace *slight squirm* .....Nobel prize *tiny bang way in the back ground, body falls*


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    #1356
    hollymount
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭hollymount


    Man goes to the doctor - a frog stuck to the top of his head.

    Doctor says " that looks very nasty."

    Yes replies the frog "it started off as a pimple on my arse".


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    #1357
    admiralofthefleet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?






    Because hes married.


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    #1358
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans...


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    #1359
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?


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    #1360
    MBC
    Registered Users Posts: 1,502 ✭✭✭MBC


    A tramp stopped me today and said "i haven't tasted food in a week." i told him "relax, it still tastes the same"


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    #1361
    Leixlip_Red
    Closed Accounts Posts: 210 ✭✭Leixlip_Red


    Some grat ones here guys... keeping me entertained on a quiet day in work...

    Keep 'em coming!


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    #1362
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    I thought Katie Price had launched some bread products with her name on it. but I looked again and it just said 'thick cut'.


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    #1363
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Steven Gerrard's lawyer has confirmed that he took a backseat today as Mr Gerrard expressed a desire to defend himself.

    So naturally he punched the Judge and the Jury first.


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    #1364
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    My first attempt at being a DJ didnt get off to a good start!

    On reflection perhaps playing Kylie Minogue's, Cant get you out of my head, wasn't a good choice for the first song at the first annual dance for the schizophrenic society.


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    #1365
    ShagNastii
    Registered Users Posts: 4,842 ✭✭✭ShagNastii


    John: Of course I can

    Paddy: Can you tell the future?


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    #1366
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Viagra proudly sponsors Andy Murray, for men who can only reach semis.


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    #1367
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    In these times of Reccession, Bob the Builder has changed his name!

    To Bob!


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    #1368
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Like most people my age,

    I'm 30.


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    #1369
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ


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    #1370
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

    To get to the other side.


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    #1371
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    My wife said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up it's gonna erect a barrier between us.

    Ha ha ha, erect.


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    #1372
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.

    She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.


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    #1373
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    I started writing poetry the other day:

    POETR

    That's coming along nicely.


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    #1374
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.


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    #1375
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Statistics say women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms for the relationship.

    Men say, "Big deal, try faking a relationship just for the shag!"


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    #1376
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Witnesses at the scene of the Ronaldo crash say he was only lightly tapped by a car from behind, when all of the sudden the car flipped over and rolled ten times. It then span around on the spot for two minutes, then all the wheels fell off and it caught fire.


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    #1377
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Does anyone know how to cancel ebay bids?....

    I've just accidentally bid on a Mickey Mouse outfit and now I'm 20 minutes away from owning West Ham.


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    #1378
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Lionel Richie has officially announced today that he is turning to the Muslim faith...

    To celebrate, he is releasing a new song entitled: 'Halal, is it meat your looking for?'


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    #1379
    Thomas828
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,492 ✭✭✭Thomas828


    Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper? He spent the rest of his life worshipping Stan.


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    #1380
    Jako8
    Registered Users Posts: 2,445 ✭✭✭Jako8


    Sorry if these were already posted.

    He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

    Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

    Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

    Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

    I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

    Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a, work station... What more can I say

    Living on Earth may be expensive... but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

    How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.

    Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

    Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

    Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

    When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

    My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

    With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

    I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.


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    #1381
    NH2909
    Users Awaiting Email Confirmation Posts: 23 ✭NH2909


    A report just in seems now its believed the swine flu no longer originated in Mexico but came from the deadly strain of "blue flu" back in may 1998.


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