One-Liner Jokes

sammywilsonjnr

Hear about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field.

Pj!

sammywilsonjnr wrote: »

Hear about the magic tractor..................................................

For the 9th time on this thread!!!

sammywilsonjnr

aaah ballicks - apologies! got about half way through and was buckled over laughing, skipped to the end. How about the fly with no wings...........a walk?

browner85

bono fell off the stage last night...................he was standing too close tothe edge..... oh yea!!!!!1:D:D:D;)

Interyurauldone

Forky wrote: »

For the 9th time on this thread!!!

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?

jc7

Has anyone else noticed that dyslexia is an anagram of zebra?

andysheehan2003

why do leprachans wear 2 condoms?

to be sure, to be sure!!!!!

admiralofthefleet

I overheard my daughter and her pals saying they were going to the club tonight to enter a wet t-shirt competition

Ill be the judge of that

admiralofthefleet

Me and my horse just dont get along, whenever i try and get on him he tries to kick me.

I think it would be fair to say we dont have a very stable relationship

fillmore jive

Q: Why did the monkey get lost in the jungle?

A: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2fpu5tCUu0

jc7

Apparently Pakistan's Taliban Leader Baitullah Mehsud had a €3m bounty on his head.

That's one expensive chocolate bar!

jc7

When i was young my fairy godmother asked me whether i wanted a long memory, or a long penis

I forget my response

jc7

Steven Tyler of Aerosmith has fallen off stage and received head, neck and shoulder injuries.

He probably should have walked THAT way.

jc7

I hate it when I get a text but I have to wait about half an hou *some text missing*

Thomas828

Did you hear about the three flies on the toilet seat? They were all p***ed off.

grunge_kid

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh :P

Rufus.T.Firefly

Q. How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?

A. 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

grunge_kid

Rufus.T.Firefly wrote: »

Q. How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?

A. 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

Nice i have a feeling i heard that before :P

Rufus.T.Firefly

Need cheering up?

Watch your wedding video backwards - you'll fookin love the bit where she takes the ring off, walks down the aisle, jumps in the car and fecks off!

Sheridg3

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they just aaaaaarrrrrghh!:D

major bill

how many alzeimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
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to get to the other side

dak

Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher?


She couldn't control her PUPILS !

niamhvad

Space Coyote wrote: »

From the king of the one-liner, Tommy Cooper ...

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school
bags, he's bisatchel.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said
"You're closest".

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her
up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a
catholic converter.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a
barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

They're Tim Vine's jokes, not Tommy Cooper.

byrner88

seen a bloke walking down the road with a big pole on his shoulder so i says are you a pole vaulter? No he says i'm a german but how did you know my name was vaulter

nicklauski

Sheridg3 wrote: »

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they just aaaaaarrrrrghh!:D

Where do they do all there shopping?
In Spaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh!

How do they get there/
In there carrrrrrggggghhhhh!!

jakestevens

Recession Busting
Was on the 150 bus at christchurch the other day were there was 3 shams taking their time to cross the road (you know the type, smokes in there ear, tracksuit bottoms tucked into the stockins)anyway as the bus was hurdling towards them the driver pops up and shouts 3 for the price of 1, what reccesion???
The whole bus was in hysterics.

jakestevens

Don't mess with the bus pass holders
On Dublin bus, at bus stop a little old lady gets on to enquire when her next bus will be arriving:
Old lady to driver: "Will the next bus be long?"
Smartass Driver: "About the same length as this one luv"
Old Lady(without a moments hesitiation): "Really? And will it be driven by a little bollicks like you?"

teddy_303

Whats the difference between snot and Brussels sprouts?

Bet you never seen a get kid eating Brussels sprouts? :eek:


What have farts and kids in common?

In both cases you can barely stand you own.. :eek: :eek:

chillywilly

grunge_kid wrote: »

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh :P

thats "i"

i dont think that joke works written down:p

Capt'n Midnight

yorkshire man at the vets..."will you have a look at my cat"

vet.... "is it a tom"


yorkshireman... "no its in t'basket"