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One-Liner Jokes

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    #1502
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    Why dont afghanies watch TV?

    Because of the teleban.


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    #1503
    magma69
    Registered Users Posts: 3,629 ✭✭✭magma69


    What do you do if a bird poops on your car?
    Don't ask her out again.

    Borrow money from a pessimist, they won't expect it back.

    Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman walk into a bar. Barman says "is this some kind of joke?"

    Bad decisions make for good stories.

    What do you call an anorexic with thrush?
    A quarter pounder with cheese!

    Why do dogs lick their balls?
    Because they can!

    What's considered bi-sexual in Donegal?
    Someone who likes sheep and goats.

    Why is the girl from Star Trek black?
    Because William Shatner!


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    #1504
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    Ikky Poo2 wrote: »
    What does DNA stand for?

    National Dyslexic Association!




    (Why the hell is "dyslexic" such a ****ing awkward word to spell...? That's someone taking the piss!)


    AND.................................!


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    #1505
    BrianJD
    Registered Users Posts: 1,094 ✭✭✭BrianJD


    Did you hear about the magic tractor, ...............it turned into a field

    Did you see the film about the tractor..........no, did you see the trailer

    What's green and smelly, a frogs bum

    Whats green and smells of pork....Kermit's finger (sorry):(


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    #1506
    marcsignal
    Registered Users Posts: 4,072 ✭✭✭marcsignal


    Did you hear about the dog that can do Metal Work ?

    If you give him a kick in the bollix, he'll make a bolt for the door.

    .


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    #1507
    jack of all
    Registered Users Posts: 2,376 ✭✭✭jack of all


    How many Jews can you fit in a VW beetle?

    Five, four comfortably.


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    #1508
    rafared
    Registered Users Posts: 634 ✭✭✭rafared


    Whats the difference between erotic and kinky?









    Erotic is tickling her arse with a feather kinky is using the whole chicken.


    Whats old and withered and smells of ginger?








    Fred Astaires' C..K


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    #1509
    XxMCRxBabyxX
    Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 7,439 Mod ✭✭✭✭XxMCRxBabyxX


    Raz wrote: »
    What's long hard an full of seamen??
    A submarine you dirty minded .....

    (works better when told, not written)

    for some reason whenever I hear that joke someone always replies Madeline McCann! Usually because it comes after someone making a joke about her.....

    Some of you are gonna hate me now.....


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    #1510
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,339 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    What did the chicken say to the librarian?
    Book... Book...Book...Book...

    What did the frog saw to the chicken?
    Reddit.... reddit...

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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    #1511
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    Q. What's the difference between a well dressed man and a tired dog?

    A. One wears a suit, and the other just pants.


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    #1512
    marcsignal
    Registered Users Posts: 4,072 ✭✭✭marcsignal


    whats the difference between an erection and a christmas bonus ??

    the missus will blow your christmas bonus


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    #1513
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    Lesbien bed for sale at Ikea. No screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.


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    #1514
    Reginald P. DuM
    Registered Users Posts: 1,316 ✭✭✭Reginald P. DuM


    dak wrote: »
    Lesbien bed for sale at Ikea. No screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.


    Haha.. It's not much of a joke, but I like it!!


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    #1515
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,339 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    marcsignal wrote: »
    whats the difference between an erection and a christmas bonus ??

    the missus will blow your christmas bonus

    The government are pulling everyone's Christmas bonus....?

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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    #1516
    waffleman
    Registered Users Posts: 580 ✭✭✭waffleman


    why did the stray dog cross the road?


    to smash my bumper and ruin my day... the c*nt


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    #1517
    JP Liz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,588 ✭✭✭JP Liz


    What do you call an afghan virgin?
    mever bin laid on

    Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
    because its finger licking good


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    #1518
    BOHtox
    Registered Users Posts: 4,314 ✭✭✭BOHtox


    I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.


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    #1519
    GiftofGab
    Registered Users Posts: 2,386 ✭✭✭GiftofGab


    Ireland vs France last night!! What a joke!


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    #1520
    Moromaster
    Registered Users Posts: 237 ✭✭Moromaster


    Wanna' hear a joke? Women's rights.


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    #1521
    jpfahy
    Registered Users Posts: 1,039 ✭✭✭jpfahy


    What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?


    A stick.


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    #1522
    rushnaldo
    Registered Users Posts: 235 ✭✭rushnaldo


    Just watched the news for the deaf. The woman signing gave up after three attempts at Cockermouth.


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    #1523
    megadodge
    Registered Users Posts: 5,338 ✭✭✭megadodge


    Q. What's green and black and hard?
    A. A frog in a leather jacket.


    Q. What's green and red and lies on the side of the road?
    A. An injured snot.


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    #1524
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Victoria Beckham gives all her old clothes to starving children.

    Well, who else would they fit?


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    #1525
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    I just don't get it...

    Man United fans watch Man United TV
    Chelsea fans watch Chelsea TV
    Arsenal fans watch Arsenal TV

    But why do Liverpool fans watch the History Channel?


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    #1526
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    Two lesbians arguing: "You th' man!" "No, you th' man!" "No...You th' man!"


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    #1527
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Jews invented gravity in a plot to get people to drop loose change.


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    #1528
    BaZmO*
    Registered Users Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    What time does Serena Williams go to bed at?


    About Tennis....h


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    #1529
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    I don't know what all this commotion is with petrol prices apparently going ever higher.

    It's always been a tenner when I fill up.


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    #1530
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    I saw on the news that Tiger Woods had been injured in a car crash this morning. The police have said that the cause of the accident was a deflated tire. Apparently he got a hole in one.


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    #1531
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    What did the Jew dad say to his son when he asked him for a euro...?

    "50c!?!?... what do you want 20c for!?"


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