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One-Liner Jokes

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    #2072
    fred funk }{
    Registered Users Posts: 6,827 ✭✭✭fred funk }{


    I had sex with my best mates wife the other day. I feel bloody terrible....................I must have caught this flu from her.


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    #2073
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    Irish scientists have discovered that birthdays are good for you. the more you have, the longer you live.


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    #2074
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,298 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The teacher asked "Does anyone know where Pakistan is?"


    I said "I think he's gone home for dinner miss."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #2075
    Doge
    Registered Users Posts: 9,017 ✭✭✭Doge


    byrner88 wrote: »
    Irish scientists have discovered that birthdays are good for you. the more you have, the longer you live
    byrner88 wrote: »
    Irish scientists have discovered that birthdays are good for you. the more you have, the longer you live.

    It was sh*t the first time! ;)


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    #2076
    clln
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,059 ✭✭✭clln


    For the day that's in it: Mae West,

    "it's not the men in my life.it's the life in my men that counts"


    WC Fields when told Mae West had died said:

    "How could they tell?"


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    #2077
    haydar
    Registered Users Posts: 377 ✭✭haydar


    Did you hear about the man caught masturbating in the local newsagents?

    Apparently its all over the papers


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    #2078
    clln
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,059 ✭✭✭clln


    ronkorp wrote: »
    Did you hear about the man caught masturbating in the local newsagents?

    Apparently its all over the papers

    That one should be made a Sticky!;)


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    #2079
    DJCR
    Registered Users Posts: 986 ✭✭✭DJCR


    Did you hear about the Chinese Pervert?

    He went from Peking to **** :D


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    #2080
    haydar
    Registered Users Posts: 377 ✭✭haydar


    Did you hear about the woman who stole a calender?

    She got twelve months


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    #2081
    clln
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,059 ✭✭✭clln


    ronkorp wrote: »
    Did you hear about the woman who stole a calender?

    She got twelve months

    On appeal the court reversed it though as she was so stupid she had stolen last years calender!


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    #2082
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,345 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Why is spinach like oral sex?
    If you didn't like it as a child, you won't like it as an adult...

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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    #2083
    captain 26
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13 ✭captain 26


    What’s the difference between a shopping trolley and a blonde?

    A shopping trolley has a mind of its own!


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    #2084
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,298 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Prince William's stag party's going to be a bit weird.

    Imagine stuffing pictures of your gran into a lap dancer's knickers.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #2085
    Ave Sodalis
    Registered Users Posts: 7,552 ✭✭✭Ave Sodalis


    Do glass coffins work?

    Remains to be seen..


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    #2086
    Smokerkl
    Registered Users Posts: 239 ✭✭Smokerkl


    Ikky Poo2 wrote: »
    Why is spinach like oral sex?
    If you didn't like it as a child, you won't like it as an adult...

    On a similiar note... What have sprouts and pubes got in common??You push them to the side befor you start eating...
    S..


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    #2087
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,298 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Available now at the Chelsea megastore the new Russian/British assault rifles, coleashleykovs

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #2088
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,298 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Had an argument with a hermaphrodite once..I said why dont you go and fook ya self..they said ok.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #2089
    Run_to_da_hills
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,009 ✭✭✭✭Run_to_da_hills


    The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle, It really was a vile inn.


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    #2090
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,298 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If you are asked to contribute money to help solve the unrest in Egypt

    .................don’t fall for it, it’s a Pyramid Scheme!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #2091
    Run_to_da_hills
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,009 ✭✭✭✭Run_to_da_hills


    Gardai are investigating the destruction of a bridge in Co Limerick, reports say the owners will never get over it.


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    #2092
    UnderWater
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16 ✭UnderWater


    I used to be indecisive. Now im not so sure


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    #2093
    Run_to_da_hills
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,009 ✭✭✭✭Run_to_da_hills


    Hellen Keller use to play the piano with one hand, she sang with the other one.


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    #2094
    Blisterman
    Registered Users Posts: 7,456 ✭✭✭Blisterman


    What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

    Eileen

    What do you call an Asian woman with one leg shorter than the other?

    Irene


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    #2095
    haydar
    Registered Users Posts: 377 ✭✭haydar


    How much coke did Charlie Sheen take?

    Enough to kill two and a half men.


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    #2096
    Luap
    Registered Users Posts: 2,642 ✭✭✭Luap


    A skeleton walks into a pub.

    He orders a pint and a mop.


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    #2097
    haydar
    Registered Users Posts: 377 ✭✭haydar


    I was sitting on my bed when a book fell and hit me on the head.

    I only have myshelf to blame


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    #2098
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 91,379 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I just had an email from Screw-Fix Direct thanking me for my interest,
    but they explained that they are not a dating agency...


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    #2099
    patrice123
    Registered Users Posts: 7 ✭patrice123


    Do fish get thirsty?


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    #2100
    BaZmO*
    Registered Users Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
    I woke up this morning with a huge correction!


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    #2101
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,298 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    *NEWS FLASH*

    2 homosexual muslims have exploded in london tonight while making love.




    Anti-terrorist police suspect they were suicide bummers

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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