One-Liner Jokes

rusty_racer94

Doctors believe that men think about sex every 7 seconds.
But I wrote this sentence in sex.

chucknorris

If you watch Titanic backwards, it's a film about a submarine that rescues loads of people and brings them back to Cork.

Bootup

Did you hear about the dyslexic who tried to commit suicide? He threw himself behind an oncoming train.



My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.



Did you hear about the diner that promotes safe sex? They write the bill on a condom. In that way you can wine and dine your date, and stick her with the bill.

Sunnyisland

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday ?" I replied.

MonkieSocks

I knew getting a treadmill would help my wife get more exercise.

She started this morning and is already half away across the room towards it.
__________________________________

I tell people that I work as a grass cutter. ,



It just sounds so much nicer than 'mob hitman’..!!

Bootup

Bubba's wife caught him blow drying his penis this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing. Apparently "Heating up your breakfast" wasn’t the right answer!

MonkieSocks

Dwarf tossing; it's a rather unpopular sport, but add a few horses and then BAM! You've got the Grand National!

Bootup

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

The_Joker

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 76, so it's no distance.

What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals.

I remember my my grandfathers last words before he died
"What are you doing with that hammer Jim"?

Bootup

All the toilets in Dublin's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

purehoor

my girlfriend dumped me for being too kinky, i nearly spat out her piss when she told me.

Bootup

What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Comer1

Why is the perfect date like Titanic?


The first time you take her out, she'll go down on you.

Bootup

I attended the wedding of two friends of mine who are nuclear technicians. After the ceremony, she looked absolutely radiant, and he was positively glowing!

MonkieSocks

I rang the council yesterday to see if i can have a skip ouside my house...........

He said mate, you can cartwheel round the fookin block for all I care

Bootup

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

MonkieSocks

I liked Chelsea's game plan the other night.

They may heve been a man down.

But none of the Barcelona players were able to concentrate, worrying if it's their wife John Terry was shagging while they were playing football....!!

Sunnyisland

A Priest is having Breakfast with a Hindu.

Priest: 'I've discovered an image of Jesus in my margarine!"

the Hindu replies: "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

Sunnyisland

What did the cavan man say when he was coming home and saw the plumbers van outside his house






Cheeses I hope the missus is having an affair :-)

Bootup

A man was sobbing in a bar. His friend asked why. He said, "My wife makes me pay £100 - for sex!" His friend replied, "you're lucky, she charges others £250."

Bootup

What's the difference between a cricketer and a condom? The cricketer drops the catch, and the condom catches the drop.

Bootup

Hollywood is remaking 'The Exorcist'. Its about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!

Bootup

What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist? A bandleader f*cks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

Xenophile

Young man leaves the seminary before ordination, when asked why, he answered "I just wanted to avoid being a clerical error"

userfriendly2

2 mushrooms in a box, one says to the other:"Theres not mush room in here".

One coffin says to another coffin:"Is that you coughing".

Did you hear about the monkey on drugs? He was out of his tree.
Did you hear about the monkey's ma when she found out- she went bananas.

2 peanuts walking in a woods, one was a salted.

Bootup

What's a necrophiliac's biggest complaint about sex? They just kinda lay there.

efb

An Irishman walks out if a bar

chucknorris

I got fined €400 for contempt of court

The Judge was Chinese and took offense to me talking to my barrister and shouted at me .. "ORDER IN COURT"

So I asked him for two spring rolls and chicken fried rice

MonkieSocks

I got a text from my wife.

"I'm hot sexy & horny and waiting for you x"

I text back "How the feck did you get my wife's phone?"

Bootup

Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex? They're called 'Predickamints'