One-Liner Jokes

Sunnyisland

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Incredible!"

Being the 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought,

"What the heck, I'll treat her!"




.... So they walked past it again...

Sunnyisland

Pregnant teen Mary rings her mother :
Mary : Ma I rink me waters are broke
Ma : where you ringin from



Mary: the waist down.

Bootup

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

MonkieSocks

Michael Owen has said there are several factors to think about when choosing his next club, and he will give these due consideration during his holiday.

If I were him I'd chat to Brian at B&Q, he was really helpful when I was picking a bench last summer.

MonkieSocks

My village is holding their annual incest competition.

I've entered my Sister

Trampas

The inventor of the TV remote control died today aged 96!

His memorial service is on Friday after which he'll be buried down the back of a sofa.

RichieO

How do you fit four gay guys on a barstool? ........Turn it upside down!

Bootup

Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe? They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

RichieO

Dad, will you PLEASE stop referring to my boyfriend as a lecherer, he’s a lecturer.

Bootup

When I got home at 3.00am last night, I told my wife that I had a pretty nasty fall and twisted my ankle.She thought that was a lame excuse.

efb

How many lines in a one liner joke???

Sunnyisland

Paddy goes to the vet carring his goldfish in a bowl,


He tells the vet "I think my goldfish has epilepsy" the vet looks at the goldfish and says "he seems perfectly fine to me".


"Oh no says Paddy you haven't taken him out of the bowl yet"....

Dead Kennedys

The Past, the Present and the Future walked into a bar.....

It was tense!

Bootup

The tampons were on sale but the offer was valid only for a limited period. However, there were no strings attached.





The difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo is at a straight rodeo they yell, "Ride those suckers!"

EdgarAllenPoo

Kids in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause kids.

MonkieSocks

Following being released by Aston Villa, Emile Heskey went on a shooting spree throughout Birmingham.



Nobody got hit :rolleyes:

Bootup

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I screwed a girl called Penny-- is that spooky or what?



I once made love to a female clown. It was weird because she twisted my penis into a poodle.

EdgarAllenPoo

I went into the kitchen this morning and said to the wife, "Is that coffee I smell?" She said, "It is and you do."

Sunnyisland

Two cannibals are eating a clown.



One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you ?"

Sunnyisland

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

Sunnyisland

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

Sunnyisland

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "dam"

Sunnyisland

A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

messi1985

irish football team currently on way to dublin airport to welcome home the irish fans!!

Sunnyisland

Paddy goes into a florist and says, I'd like to buy a bunch of flowers for me girlfriend.

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"






Paddy replies "A shag"

Bootup

Why are women like condoms? They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and 1% on your penis.

randylonghorn

realies wrote: »

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

Um ... not that I'd be getting my knickers too much in a twist on the issue, but it is called the "One-liner jokes" thread ... >_>

Bootup

Life is like a dick -- simple, straight, relaxed and hanging free. It's the women who make it hard.



My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.



My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it hard for him to come out of the closet.



Did you hear about the gay burglar? He couldn't blow the safe so he went down on the elevator.

Madbod

i hear the guy who came up with the FCUK ad campaign is a complete and utter CNUT

Victor

What is the collective term (flock of birds, herd of sheep) for a group of tree police?

Copse.