One-Liner Jokes

Bootup

A guy picks up a hooker, she says, "please be gentle", he says,"WTF are you on? she says, "yes"



I wish I could talk to my doctor about erectile dysfunction, but for some reason it never comes up.




Sign on the dormitory wall in a convent: 'Lights Out By 10:00 Candles Out By 11:00'




Once you start making Freudian slips, it's just one after a mother.

Nodster

I just invented chicken-proof grass.......It's impeccable

RichieO

I was illegitimate when I was a kid but I can read and write OK now!

patmac

Just been to the best 'optimist's anonymous' meeting EVER!!!!

iDanieL

Feminists say that tomorrow will be 'The Age Of Woman'. Looks like no-one has told them about the Iron Age.

Bootup

What should you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns? Go for the juggler.

Nodster

I've just written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy, It's very saucy

RichieO

Paddy: Do you know what it is? Rich: Yep, Information Technology innit!

D_murph

Apparently it has been the wettest summer in history here. Met Eireann are blaming it on 50 shades of grey .

donegal_man

I attended the annual dentistry awards last night, the winner only got a little plaque

Comer1

The proof that evolution is not real is that Irish people don't have gills.

Bootup

How does one discern between "Herpes" and "Aids" ? One is a love story the other a fairy tale.

Bootup

Pubic hair is like parsley. you push it to the side before you start eating.

Bootup

Why do Country/Western singers have brown noses? They've been looking for love in all the wrong places.

Bootup

Whats warm and soft when you go to bed, and hard and stiff in the morning? Vomit

Bootup

What do you call an alligator in a vest.....investigator.

Comer1

What does a gynaecologist have in common with a pizza delivery boy?



Both can smell it but neither dare eat it.

patmac

Congratulations to Britain's Andy Murray on his gold medal. Also, commiserations to Scotland's Andy Murray on his silver medal.

Sunnyisland

Two aeriels got married. The wedding wasn't great but the reception was brilliant.

Sunnyisland

A blonde and brunette were watching the six o'clock news.The main report was about a man about to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you €50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on". Sure enough, the man jumps, the blonde gives the brunette €50, the brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 '0'Clock news and saw the man jump then". "No you have to take it", says the blonde. "I watched the 5 0'Clock news too but didn't think he'd do it again".........

donegal_man

My racing snail wasn't doing too well so I took off his shell to reduce weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Eggy Baby!

Why is Brian McFadden fashionable?

Because he's always in Vogue.

Bootup

Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only f**king yourself.

Bootup

Supposedly I was created in god's image. I don't know...you'd think god would have a bigger penis than this.

RealExpert

Here are just 2 things that confuse mankind.
1.How a woman can produce milk without eating grass!
2.How she can bleed for 4 days without cutting herself!
3.
4.
5.
There are a few more do u know them?

RichieO

RealExpert wrote: »

Here are just 2 things that confuse mankind.
1.How a woman can produce milk without eating grass!
2.How she can bleed for 4 days without cutting herself!

There are a few more do u know them?

3.Not true.
4.Not funny.
5.Not a one-liner.

elfy4eva

Did you hear about the dirty egg?

He went about with his Yolk hangin out!

elfy4eva

Yo' Momma is so fat, she needs to use cheats for Wii fit!

tossy

Yo mama is Nadzeya Ostapchuk

donegal_man

New research has revealed that in King Arthur's court, some ladies-in-waiting liked to curl up with a good book, while others were satisfied with one of the pages