One-Liner Jokes

Bootup · 15-08-2012 7:12pm

How do you recycle toilet paper? Hang it on the wall and bash the sh*t out of it.

Bootup · 17-08-2012 7:37pm

I prefer to describe myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word.

snipe02 · 19-08-2012 12:18am

my family swear by lidl.
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thats because they are homeless and have torrets

EdgarAllenPoo · 19-08-2012 10:57am

As I sat there, fist deep in pussy, I thought to myself, "Wow, this cat's mouth is huge".

Bootup · 20-08-2012 3:19pm

I'm sick and tired of people making fun about other people with erectile dysfunctions! Don't you think things aren't hard enough for them already!?

BaZmO* · 21-08-2012 4:05pm

“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”

“Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.”

“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”

“I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet ... I don’t know why.”

“I took part in the sun tanning Olympics — I just got Bronze.”

“Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.”

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.”

“I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad’.”

“My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”

Zymurgist · 21-08-2012 8:02pm

BaZmO* wrote: »

“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”

“Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.”

“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”

“I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet ... I don’t know why.”

“I took part in the sun tanning Olympics — I just got Bronze.”

“Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.”

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.”

“I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad’.”

“My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”

I just copied the top ten jokes from the fringe festival :pac:

Bootup · 25-08-2012 4:11pm

"How do you spell clitoris?" "I don't know, but I had it on the tip of my tongue just a moment ago."

Bootup · 26-08-2012 3:50pm

Did you hear about the gay fellow whose partner of twelve years deserted him? He had been severely depressed for awhile, but he's now holding his own.

EdgarAllenPoo · 26-08-2012 10:22pm

Was in LIDL the other day and the cashier told me "Strip down, facing me." How was I to know she meant my debit card?

Mppn · 27-08-2012 8:28am

Did you hear about the magical tractor??

It turned into a field!

Bootup · 27-08-2012 2:11pm

What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding? You don't have to ask; you can see who the best man is.

Bootup · 29-08-2012 12:46pm

A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.

MonkieSocks · 29-08-2012 3:35pm

Prince Charles has just made an announcement from Buckingham Palace regarding Prince Harry's Behaviour in Las Vegas, "if he were my son, I'd disown him"

Gualot · 30-08-2012 4:11pm

What's worse than ants in your pants?

...Uncles ;-)

Poor Uncle Tom · 30-08-2012 6:46pm

Gualot wrote: »

What's worse than ants in your pants?

...Uncles ;-)

How very dare you!

Bootup · 31-08-2012 10:54am

Every time I sit down to try to take a sh*t, I start reading the newspaper and end up forgetting to do my business. I think I might have Attention Defecate Disorder.

Bootup · 03-09-2012 1:37pm

A dentist couldn't get an erection on his wedding night so he used his finger. Wife, "What's this?" Dentist, "Nothing honey, just a temporary filling.”

alzer81 · 04-09-2012 11:36am

any good short jokes?

Extra bored watchin the football at the weekend and set up this account:
https://twitter.com/JokesforLads

Bootup · 06-09-2012 3:04pm

Anybody who allows himself to be buried is making a fuel of himself, while anyone who allows himself to be cremated makes an ash of himself.

Bootup · 08-09-2012 4:28pm

Why don't Bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have Cotton Balls.

Bootup · 09-09-2012 2:56pm

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Bootup · 12-09-2012 1:23pm

What's the difference between a Boner and a Bonus? There's a far better chance your wife's gonna blow the bonus.

Ste Ryan · 18-09-2012 2:49pm

Whats brown and sticky? A stick

Sorry :P

Hilly Bill · 18-09-2012 3:48pm

I just recieved a text from vodafone saying that i have just been the winner of 250Euro worth of vouchers for marks & spencers or if i would rather two tickets to see an Elvis impersonater it said, text 1 for the money or 2 for the show.