One-Liner Jokes

Bootup

Two gay guys were dancing when one said to the other, "Why do you always get an erection when we dance together?" The other replied, "Because you dance like an asshole!"

Trampas

Told the wife I was gonna build a car out of spaghettti.
She said "don't be so fking stupid and grow up"

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta

passremarkable

Hear about the farmer who died?there was a big turnip at the funeral!!

Hear about the magic tractor? went down the road and turned into a field!!

Bootup

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent County Show, a spokesman said "We will struggle to find another man of the same calibre".

ButtimersLaw

MonkieSocks wrote: »

When Kate Middleton becomes Queen, the Five Pound Note will become fantastic **** material.

Indeed, it will have pictures of King William on it. :-)

Lon.C

Breaking News!!
A mob of angry dyslexic parents have just kicked f#ck out of Jimmy Somerville.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

MonkieSocks wrote: »

When Kate Middleton becomes Queen, the Five Pound Note will become fantastic **** material.

Adds a new meaning to the phase, "I just came into some money."

Victor

The numbers 3, 2, 1 and 4 were kicked out of a night club for being out of order.

Bootup

What happens when a brothel catches fire? Some come out running and some run out coming!

RichieO

When asked about the rumour that Kleenex had been overcharging for years, a spokesman said, "the issue is a tissue of lies"

marcsignal

Rolf Harris was in Tescos shopping and an old woman asked him:

'Aren't you that bloke from the 70's that done two little boys?'

'No' he said, 'That was Jimmy Savile'

Bootup

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other’s shoulders? A scrotum pole!

MonkieSocks

marcsignal wrote: »

Rolf Harris was in Tescos shopping and an old woman asked him:

'Aren't you that bloke from the 70's that done two little boys?'

'No' he said, 'That was Jimmy Savile'

You would have wonder if all that happened years ago,

How is it only coming out now then now then now then

MonkieSocks

Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common.

"Ready or not here I come"

Bootup

How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.




What can make you feel really good or be very annoying. A woman's mouth!




If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.




Sex is a lot like doing the washing, if you have a small load, do it by hand!

Bootup

What sex toy might be a suitable surrogate partner for a suicide bomber?A Blow-Up Doll

SpaceCowb0y

Q. what is masculine and feminine in French....? A. armpit hair!

Bootup

I was dating a Siamese twin for awhile, but as she got older I started dating her sister behind her back.

Bootup

There are two fleas on a pussy. One is smoking dope... what's the other one doing? Sniffing crack.

Bootup

What is the closest thing to a woman's period? Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days, and if it does not come you're fu*ked.

DarrelloSull

My pet hamster died during the week..............
He fell asleep at the wheel.

Hilly Bill

Mary had a little lamb potatoes peas and gravy

RustyNut

MonkieSocks wrote: »

You would have wonder if all that happened years ago,

How is it only coming out now then now then now then

I heared that Jeremy Beadle had a small hand in it as well.

Bootup

What's the difference between a genealologist and a gynecologist? One looks up your family tree and the other looks up your family bush!

handlemaster

Free education

Bootup

Why are they putting Englishmen at the bottom of the ocean? They found out that deep down, they're really not so bad.

Bootup

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on tampons with tinsel. This will be just for the Christmas period.

Bootup

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite. All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

donegal_man

It's 02:45 and my neighbour has just been ringing my doorbell, good thing I was still up practicing my tuba

gammygils

Failed my Colour Blindness test today.

It came totally out of the green!