One-Liner Jokes

Spike78

Sorry if its already posted.

What did St. Patrick say to the snakes as he was driving them out of Ireland?
Are you alright in the back?

miss tickle

In these recessionary times, a dog is not only for christmas, it's also for christmas dinner.

Hilly Bill

Aristotle said - to be is to do. Socrates said - to do is to be. Frank Sinatra said - do be do be do.

Bootup

My Jimmy Savile advent calendar is rubbish. The flaps only open from 1-15

Hilly Bill

Epic fail.

Reekwind

miss tickle wrote: »

In these recessionary times, a dog is not only for christmas, it's also for christmas dinner.

I always wanted a dog for Christmas when I was a kid. Mind you, we were starving and would have eaten anything

Bootup

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on tampons with tinsel. This will be just for the Christmas period.

Comer1

Bootup wrote: »

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on tampons with tinsel. This will be just for the Christmas period.

Have a look a few posts back

dxhound2005

Dear Sir or Madam

Have you had that operation yet?

Bootup

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tipex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

Hilly Bill

old ones are still the best.

Bootup

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I have to stop ****, I said "Why?" She said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

NH2909

woman crashed into tree today right beside where i was taking a leak she said she thought i was pumping petrol out on to the ground.

Bootup

A prison inmate used his prosthetic leg as a weapon in a brawl with another prisoner. The warden told the prisoner he would now be denied the privilege of continuing to use the artificial leg. The inmate was hopping mad.

D_murph

Did you hear about the circus fire? They said it was intense...

K.Flyer

My mate got a new job as a Rodeo Rider, I asked was he busy, he said...

On and Off...

Bootup

When they found out their wives were attending a sex- toy party, the husbands refused to go and pick them up, and instead left them to their own devices.

Bootup

What gets longer when pulled, fits between your boobs, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when it is jerked? A Seatbelt

K.Flyer

They say the camera adds 10lbs to you..
Then stop eating cameras.

Swimming is good for you, especially if your drowning...

You know Monopoly is an old game..
The Bankers can still go to Jail.

The bank sent a cheque back marked "Insufficient funds". Them or me?

gammygils

What do you call half a haemmoroid?

Not a whole pile!!

Zyzz

Midget shortage.

zimmermania

Is it fair that solicitors are hated just because 99% of them give the profession a bad name.

cazzzzz

My recliner and I go way back.

Sunnyisland

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Hilly Bill

Im selling my python on ebay,some chap rang me to see how big it was. "Its massive" I said."how many feet?" none I said its ****ing snake : )))

gammygils

How brilliant of Jesus to actually have his birthday on Christmas Day?

Bootup

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train. The lady sitting next to him asked, "Are they your babies?" He answered, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints."

Bootup

Noel Coward: A man who's afraid to go home to his wife after the works Christmas Party.

Sunnyisland

O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.
After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'

D_murph

“Well, Mike,” said the doctor. “I can’t quite diagnose your case. I think it must be the drink.” “Sure, that’s all right, doctor,” said Mike. “I know how you feel. I’ll come back when you’re sober.”