One-Liner Jokes

mlumley

userfriendly2 wrote: »

2 mushrooms in a box, one says to the other:"Theres not mush room in here".

One coffin says to another coffin:"Is that you coughing"..

Should it not be toadstools??????????????????

hayrake

Two turds walked in to a bar and called for two pints of guiness. The barman said to one of them 'I'll serve you but I cant serve your mate, he's f***ing steamin'

K.Flyer

Is Atheism a non-prophet organisation?


"Sit down Nidge" said the doctor, "I have good and bad news"
"Ok Doc, hit me with the good news first then" says Nidge.
"So they are going to name this disease after you"

Bootup

What is the most romantic thing you can say to someone in a gay bar? May I move your stool?

SpaceCowb0y

Bootup wrote: »

What is the most romantic thing you can say to someone in a gay bar? May I move your stool?

Bootup

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

Pilsbury Doughboy

I entered the Olympics for sun bathing, all I got was a bronze.

Bootup

What do you call it when two lesbians in wheelchairs are in the 69 position? Meals on Wheels.

Hilly Bill

My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"

I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts

Bootup

My uncle believed in reincarnation. In his will, he left everything to himself.....

Pilsbury Doughboy

Hilly Bill wrote: »

My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"

I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts

I think I will have to use this myself at some stage, is it copyrighted?;)

Hilly Bill

Work away

SpaceCowb0y

Who says you can't have sex with a personality, i just had sex with a sound cunt!



....I'll get me coat

Pilsbury Doughboy

Just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday, I'll tell you what, never again!

Bootup

Why did God create yeast infections? So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cu*t once in a while too.

Pilsbury Doughboy

Multi storey car park theft is wrong on so many levels.

Bootup

What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

Hilly Bill

A backward poet writes inverse.

Bootup

Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me? Doctor : Yes ... you're f*cking crackers.

1100010110

Read the following out loud, better still, get someone else to read it out to you

"I am a wee todd, I am a sofa king wee todd edd."

Bootup

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

Comer1

1100010110 wrote: »

Read the following out loud, better still, get someone else to read it out to you

"I am a wee todd, I am a sofa king wee todd edd."

Sofa king phu knee

Bootup

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow.

RichieO

I was talking to the most beautiful sexy woman but she was incredibly boring, .... so I was stiff as a board and bored stiff...

donegal_man

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. 
Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled!

vwnan

i can see why haha..

Cathalmacan

TimAy wrote: »

lol
that reminds me of this one
"who's the leader of the hankies?



the hankerchief"

Loved this one as a child.

1100010110

Where does a general keep his armies....
Up his sleevies

1100010110

Where are the andes?


At the ends of your armies

Bootup

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't -- I've cut off your arms!"