One-Liner Jokes

Hilly Bill

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

useurename

whats andy murrays favourite time of the day. ..............around tennish.

elfy4eva

Did ya hear about Tesco's new range of meatballs?
.
.
.
They're the dogs bollox!

Bootup

A reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year’s riots.......Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty runs out soon.

Spud17

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Bootup

What Christmas song lyrics do transvestites sing while getting ready for a holiday party? Don We Now Our Gay Apparel.

1100010110

I got food poisoning the other day.................................But I haven't used it yet

Sadderday

why did the teddy bear not eat his dinner??? .............


Because he was stuffed!!!!

Sadderday

brown haired man to a red haired man....

'here, do ya read books?'

'yes...... why?'

'have ya red pubes?'

Spud17

Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster.

Worztron

What's grey and comes in gallons?
An elephant.

horrormurph

so a man walks into a bar with a monkey, i forget the rest but your mothers a whore.

Bootup

Why don't men know the meaning of fear? They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.

Spud17

Apparently Tesco have found a problem with their veggie burgers as well... they found traces of Uni-Quorn.

SpaceCowb0y

^^^TAXI

Hilly Bill

just had my first **** since the tesco fiasco it was good to firm, soft in places

Spud17

My doctor told me to watch what I eat... so I've got channel 4 racing on.

Bootup

I was pretty excited when my dyslexic girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. It turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend.

Daveysil15

What has a pregnant girlfriend and a slice of burnt toast got in common? In both cases you’d wish you took it out a few seconds earlier!

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a rooster? A rooster says cock-a-doodle-do, a prostitute says any-cock-el-do.

ScummyMan

Dear Lonely hearts, Irritating male obsessed with religious wordplay sikhs similar.....

Spud17

Modern Sikhs live in cities. It’s the turban jungle.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

The dervish had so much endurance, he set a new whirled record.

Trampas

Life of Pi sold its 3,141,592 copy this week

1100010110

whats the difference between a fish?

Achtung Maybe

how about some PUNtastic newspaper headlines :

1. Patient at deaths door...doctor pulls him through
2. Thief in a lingerie department gives police the slip
3. Two murderers escape the noose thanks to a hung jury

Bootup

What do fat girls and mopeds have in common? They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on it.

Spud17

Some really cheesy one-liners:

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Bootup

Now that the Pope has resigned, it shows that a true Catholic always pulls out early

Bootup

A bloke made an appointment with an impotence clinic. He had to cancel because something came up!

Bootup

What's the difference between a urologist, a rabbi,and a gigolo? A urologist is a penis mender, a rabbi is a penis ender,and a gigolo is a penis vendor.

SpaceCowb0y

Q. What can turn a fruit into a vegetable? A. AIDS!