One-Liner Jokes

Bootup

Did you hear about the new douche they've made for women? It's made of Marijuana, Arrid Deodorant, and Kentucky Fried Chicken. It leaves them high, dry, and finger licking good!

Spud17

Cryogenics is nothing new. My landlord has been freezing bodies every winter for years.

Apparently, California has the highest rate of adultery and depression. It's a sad state of affairs.

You say you want to bring me back to reality. You're assuming I've been there before.

I do charity work. I volunteer my opinion just about every day.

The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?

Bootup

What is the most intelligent animal in the world? The dog. It will walk up to anything and smell of it. If he can't eat it or mate with it, he will piss on it!

La_Gordy

The nightclub "Nightclub" is looking for a creative director. Immediately.

Bootup

What do you call a 400 lb. woman who likes to screw men and women at the same time? A bisexual built for two.

Bootup

Marriage councelors say husbands should wear a ring or some indication to show they're wed.How about a worried look?

Spud17

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

Skerries

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

Nice belt!

gramar

Q. What's the best present in the world?

A. A broken drum.......you can't beat it.

Achtung Maybe

I saw this fast sweet speed by me today it was a Ferrari Rocher

Conjuntivitis.com ...now thats a site for sore eyes

I went to a pet-shop to buy a goldfish, the owner said to me "Aquarium?" I said "I dont care what star-sign he is"

My favourite band are called Cockles & Mussels I cant wait for the concert next week as I finally get to see them alive alive-o !

One shot on kill

3 year old son told me this today.

Why did the mushroom fall of the plate.

Because there wasn't mushroom.

Achtung Maybe

Here is a picture of me with REM..thats me in the corner

Bootup

"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!

Achtung Maybe

I was in The Outback and heard someone playing Dancing Queen on a digeridoo, I thought to myself - thats ABBAriginal

SpaceCowb0y

Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

DaithiMa

Who was the last man to box Joe Frazier?

The Undertaker.

Xenophile

"Tisin't that I am anti-Simitic, I just prefer Carlsberg".

With apologies to Neil Toibin

Achtung Maybe

My favourite overweight 70's band were the Obesity Rollers

Spud17

In honour of the passing of Hugo Chavez, I have had his initials inscribed onto my bathroom taps.

Achtung Maybe

Perth : what a woman with a lisp keeps in her handbag

Bootup

Sign in the parking lot at the Planned Parenthood office: "Be careful pulling out."

Bootup

My Catholic mate just rushed in my house & shouted "I've just seen white smoke!" I replied "does that mean there's a new Pope now?" he said "no, it means your missus has driven off with the handbrake on again"

Daveysil15

My son knocked my golfbag over and my wife shouted, "your son has your balls." I said, "that's funny, they all say he looks like you."

Bootup

What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

M5

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers

Bootup

Mums have Mother's Day. Dads have Father's Day. Single blokes have Palm Sunday.

ChunkyLover54

Q: Whats the difference between a pregnant women and a light-bulb?

A: You can unscrew a light-bulb

Spud17

Boards.ie.... more one-liners than Keith Richards dressing room.

Achtung Maybe

I saw 2 young cows play football yesterday ...it was a game of two calfs

Bootup

And Moses looked upon the Lord and said: "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off our WHAT?!"