One-Liner Jokes

Xenophile

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Achtung Maybe

I hired an unemployed dwarf recently - he asked to be paid under the table

Bootup

A tennis player gets tennis elbow. A gynecologist gets tunnel vision.

SpaceCowb0y

What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
Kermit the frogs finger

chucknorris

Redhead says to her blonde mate "I've slept with a Brazilian"
Blonde said "how many is a Brazilian" ?

Bootup

To honour the new Pope, the Mother Superior gave her orders to the Nuns: "Lights out at 9, candles out at 10."

Bootup

Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.

Xenophile

Two friendly couples on a long weekend away together agree to swap, after about an hour or so they decided to go down and see................... "how the girls were getting on".

gammygils

Did ya hear about the Kerry man who put the condom on backways?

He went!!

Bootup

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.

DonnyDark

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Bootup

I stole some lamb chops from a shop,and as I was running,out the security guard shouted "Oi,you,what are you doing with that" I shouted back "Spuds, carrots and gravy"!.

Achtung Maybe

1. conjunctivitus.com ...now thats a site for sore eyes

2. I was in a chinese restaurant and was waiting to be served, then the waiter arrived with my meal singing love songs and handing me a bunch of roses... I said to him "I ordered AROMATIC duck" !!!!

Capt'n Midnight

What has a delocalised pi bond and goes quack?

An aromatic duck

Xenophile

Insomniac, Agnostic, Dyslexic.

So I stay awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog!

RichieO

Xenophile wrote: »

Insomniac, Agnostic, Dyslexic.

So I stay awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog!

Posted 20 times already, still funny but wearing thin....

Worztron

What is six inches long and makes a man groan as soon as a woman touches it..?
A gear stick.

andyman

What's the worst thing you can do to a man with one arm?

Make him hang off a cliff when he has an itchy arse.

donegal_man

When we divorced we split the house down the middle, I got the outside.

Xenophile

RichieO wrote: »

Posted 20 times already, still funny but wearing thin....

Exagerating........" the leg of the chair was a mile too long so I had to cut a half inch of it."

Capt'n Midnight

Xenophile wrote: »

Exagerating........" the leg of the chair was a mile too long so I had to cut a half inch of it."

Exaggerations have gone up by one million percent so far this year

Xenophile

Last week I did a workshop on Speed Reading also known as Rapid Reading.

This week I read "War and Peace" I think it says something about Russia

Xenophile

Worztron wrote: »

What is six inches long and makes a man groan as soon as a woman touches it..?
A gear stick.

And sometimes even a man..........don't be sexist.

Worztron

Xenophile wrote: »

And sometimes even a man..........don't be sexist.

You are kidding right?

Worztron

How can you tell if bankers, lawyers, politicians, property developers and solicitors are lying?

Their lips are moving.

Xenophile

Worztron wrote: »

What is six inches long and makes a man groan as soon as a woman touches it..?
A gear stick.

Xenophile wrote: »

And sometimes even a man..........don't be sexist.

Worztron wrote: »

You are kidding right?

I am serious, if anyone touches my gear stick I hyperventilate and groan very loudly, that's why I insist on driving an automatic.

Bootup

Since I've been depressed I've completely lost the urge to masturbate. I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately

Bootup

Some bloke just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fcuk that – knowing my luck, I'd win one!”

genuine leather

I use to be indecisive........now im not sure

SpaceCowb0y

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!