One-Liner Jokes

Victor

This proposal to get rid of copper coins - it makes no cents!

Bootup

Teacher: Can you tell me 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives? Pupil: Smo king, Drink king and Fu*k king.

The Highwayman

Thatcher's dead, Fergie is retiring, somewhere in Liverpool there is a scouse bastard with a lamp and one wish left!

RichieO

Two women were sitting quietly together, not gossiping, not complaining, not running anyone down, just minding their own business.

Achtung Maybe

A mechanic said I put too much air in my tire, I said "now hang on, that has been blown out of proportion"

RichieO

I used have memory problems but now I don't remember forgetting anything...

Bootup

Just had a parcel from Holland , when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny. That's nice I thought, 'Two lips from Amsterdam!'

Capt'n Midnight

After signing a one year contract with Chelsea, Frank Lampard has said he is looking forward to working with the next 3 or 4 Chelsea managers.

Xenophile

So you think my wife is gorgeous ! Wait till you see my girlfriend, why is she a beauty ? No she is an optician.

Xenophile

Posted in After Hours

I would rather cut my balls off with a rusty hacksaw then wear Abercrombie clothes.

RichieO

I was once engaged to an absolute stunner, but I got a boner at most inappropriate time... She broke it off...

donegal_man

Gods don’t kill people.
People with Gods kill people

RichieO

I have several degrees, unfortunately they are all in Celsius, except for one that is still in Fahrenheit.

Bootup

What did the cockney bus conductor say to the three-headed man with one leg and no arms? ‘allo, ‘allo ‘allo, you look ‘armless enough, hop on!

SweetJeebus

I wish exercise was more seductive...then maybe I would do it more often

Bootup

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gypos" were not the correct answers

Worztron

What is the smallest hotel in the world?
.
.
.
A womans gearbox because you have to leave your bags outside.

Xenophile

Do you want the winner of the next race? Naw me garden is too small.

gramar

Did you hear the one about the urinal?

You'll piss yourself when I tell you...

galwaytt

What do you get if you cross Alzheimers with Déja Vu ?..........I think I've forgotten this before.....

Xenophile

What did the Pamper say to the infant......................."Drop it baby I've got you covered"

Achtung Maybe

1. I used to date a girl with a lazy eye but broke it off when I heard she was seeing someone on the side

Camrat

Did I already do my deja vu joke?

Bootup

A man went into a bookshop and asked the young woman assistant, "Do you have the new book for men with short penises?" "Hmmm. I'm not sure if it's in yet?" she replied. "That's the one! I'll take a copy."

MissD93

did ya hear about the angry pancake? he just flipped

dvae

Bootup wrote: »

What did the cockney bus conductor say to the three-headed man with one leg and no arms? ‘allo, ‘allo ‘allo, you look ‘armless enough, hop on!

just reminded me of an old one

why did the bus driver kick the man with no legs off the bus.

cos he was arsing around.

MissD93

why'd the scarecrow get a promotion ? he was outstanding in his field

greenie

I was playing chess with my friend and he said ‘Let’s make this more interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.

Hagar the Nice.

Woman: "Doctor, ever since this hormone replacement therapy I've been growing hair in some strange places"

Doctor: "Oh, whereabouts?"

Woman: "Ma baws.

Hagar the Nice.

The missus has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels. She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'. I cant wait, i just love shepherds pie.