One-Liner Jokes

Hagar the Nice.

Summer was over and the teacher was asking her pupils how they spent their holidays.
She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer. “We visited my grandmother in Llanfairpwlchwgyngogoch.” he said.

“That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,” the teacher said, “Can you tell the class how you spell that?”

Little Johnny thought about it and said, “Come to think of it, she lives in Rhyl."

Bootup

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Hagar the Nice.

It's Satu and Dave's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Dave heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Dave. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Dave says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's...dead."

"Oh my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and
he was real scared and he jumped out the back
window into the swimming pool. But he must
have forgot that last week you took out all
the water to clean it up. so he hit the bottom of
the swimming pool and he's dead too!"

There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is
this 015176622?"


A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, the mother turns around and says to her young son, "Don't worry; that was just an insect."

The son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin - 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself - these buggers have lost the plot!!

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I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint, I pushed the old dear over.

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her some bathroom scales.

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I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

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I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

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I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

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My wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.






And then I saw her face.

Camrat

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?


Answer:

Full.

How do you find a blonde in long grass?

Answer:

Pleasing

Hagar the Nice.

I was arrested for punching my wife in the face again. The judge asked "why do you keep beating her?"I said "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork your honour.

Hagar the Nice.

Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood. It's not as bad as it sounds. I've now got a 12 inch cock and I'm top of the housing list.
Psst,apologies if I've offended anyone.

Hagar the Nice.

My next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line.



I nearly s*** on her pants.

Camrat

How does every ethnic joke start?
Answer: By looking over your shoulder.

Hagar the Nice.

My Budgie broke its leg today so i made him a little splint out of a couple of swan vesta's.........his little face lit up when he tried to walk!!

Camrat

When is a pixie not a pixie?
Answer: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Camrat

Whats hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?

Bubblegum and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Camrat

What's worse than spiders on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

Bootup

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The barman says, "Hey, mate, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."

Bootup

"Doctor,my wife can't be pregnant. I've been working overseas these past twelve months." Doctor.."It's known as a 'Grudge Pregnancy!' Someone had it in for you."

Bootup

"Doctor my wife can't be pregnant. I've been working overseas these past twelve months." Doctor.."It's known as a 'Grudge Pregnancy!' Someone had it in for you."

Hagar the Nice.

Doctor,I get the feeling my wife is seeing two guys at the same time.:)

PaddyBomb

My girlfriend said she's going to leave me because of my obsession of pointing out inanimate objects.

So I showed her the door.

Sunnyisland

A husband says to his wife,"what would you do if I won Lotto?"
She says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies,
"I won €12 , here's €6 – now get lost!" :rolleyes::o

Bootup

My parents came home early yesterday and caught me sleeping with a drunken vagabond again, so now I'm grounded! Why can't they just accept that I'm a hobosexual?

ex6

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oneshot2shots

Whats blue and smells like red paint?

BlUE PainT!!

What did batman say to get robin into the batmobile?.

"get in the batmobile robin"

What did the wasp say to the polarbear.

Nothing. As far as scientists are aware wasps do not yet have the ability to verbally commnicate with polar bears.

Bootup

This bloke looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that bitter or lager?" I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

Duddy

I met the guy who invented the windowsill last night.





What a ledge.

patmac

Bootup wrote: »

This bloke looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that bitter or lager?" I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

Fair play to you for coming out!

Bootup

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed going at it with a female midget. Furious, she screams, "You promised you wouldn't cheat again!" The husband replies, "For feck's sake, can't you see I'm trying to cut down?"

gozunda

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?









At least vultures only scavenge dead bodies...

I took the shell off of my racing snail to see if it went any faster.

If anything though, it just made it more sluggish.



I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.



I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!

"Gud luk 2 evry1 gettin ther resultz 2moro"

Thank you - I can tell you your English result already if you want.

Bootup

I'm in a wheelchair at the moment because of my hip problem and so I have to pee sitting down. Just to piss the wife off I still put the toilet seat up afterwards though...

Bootup

My internet connection was so slow yesterday I ended up just shagging the wife.