One-Liner Jokes

Worztron

Rob Auton - I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.

MonkieSocks

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.
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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.

As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.

3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

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My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

Blow this I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

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I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.

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I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that,2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

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Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ..

” Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

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Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"

The operator says how do you know?

He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg!"

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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!

At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

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A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.

He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair".

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said "I would like to come back as a cow".

I said "You’re obviously not listening".

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The wife has been missing a week now.

Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

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Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.

I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

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They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham , Bradford , Burnley , Leicester , Luton and London :

Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.


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When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexists.

I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

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Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

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Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

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A teddy bear is working on a building site.

He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.

The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.

The foreman grins at the bear and says

"Oh, I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

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An Asian fellow has moved in next door.

He has travelled the world, swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.

It came as no surprise to learn his name was "Bindair Dundat"!!

I was sitting in traffic the other day.
Probably why I got run over.

gammygils

George Burns when asked about his sex life at 90 says

''Son. Sex at my age is like trying to play Snooker with a rope!" :pac:

Bootup

I once met a gambler in France......he hated Toulouse

Bootup

Okay, I admit I'm not very good at oral sex. But my wife doesn't have to keep rubbing my nose in it.

patmac

Can't believe it's 1997 and they still haven't found a cure for Alzheimers.

Bootup

Prostitute: Receiver of swollen goods.

Bootup

What does a blonde call a blow job in a Honda? Her Civic duty.

I_am_red

The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word "facial" is used.......

Bootup

6.9: A good thing screwed up by a period.

dobman88

I told my friend to "Think before you speak" last week, I haven't heard from him since.

Mariasofia

I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.

Ive just been on a once in a lifetime holiday..... Ill tell you what, never again.

gammygils

I'm a decent bloke. I was even married to 2 women at the same time.

That was big o'me!

Godeatsboogers

When I'm in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they're safe

Bootup

Sex is like a bridge game. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Worztron

A priest came across a dead pig on the road and was afraid of a crash. He phoned the police but they said "it's your job to deal with the dead". The priest replied "yes, but it's also my job to notify the next of kin."

Bootup

A Peter Pan is a wash basin in a brothel.






When women soldiers leave the army,is it called a vaginal discharge?

Bootup

A woman who bicycled over a long street of cobblestones,never came that way again.

Bootup

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness. Just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

Bootup

Jewish men are circumcised because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.

tossy

Bootup

Smart Ass: Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is

Walshey96

What's the only biscuit that can fly?

A plain biscuit

Bootup

What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men usually miss them.

fobster

I'm so used to putting in contact lenses...


I could do it with my eyes closed.

jimmy the car

Two elephants walk off a clif....

Boom Boom!!!

Bootup

You know you have a high sperm count if your girlfriend chews before swallowing.

Bootup

In my marriage, sexting is checking your text messages during sex.

Hagar the Nice.

Wife said she is leaving me
If I don’t get help for my Neil Diamond obsession……. I am I said.