coming into adolesence

hipchick

I'm a single mum of 2 boys 9 & 11. The 11 year old boy has started adolesence....i've had a couple of attempts to talk to him about how he's feeling but as soon as i start it like an alarm goes off in his head and it time to get out of here.....

Do you think it would be ok if a male friend had a chat as his father is not in the picture?

Beruthiel

I’ll leave a man to answer that question, in the mean time, why not leave some relevant books, aimed at his age group, lying around – he will read them when he thinks you are not looking!

hipchick

Thanks Beruthiel. It will just take some getting used to the fact that he doesn't want to talk to me about some issue's but that is the natural progression.

Wor1ried

Why not approach your father or brothers to help talk with him?

I think leaving books around regarding the subject is an excellent suggestion.

hipchick

Don't think my father would be able for the job and i only have a sister.

The books are the way to go i think.

But thanks!

commuterised

Originally posted by hipchick
I'm a single mum of 2 boys 9 & 11. The 11 year old boy has started adolesence....i've had a couple of attempts to talk to him about how he's feeling but as soon as i start it like an alarm goes off in his head and it time to get out of here.....

what age do they get the talk in school these days?
I seem to remember being in 6th class and some old old lady coming in to talk to us about it all, frightfully embarassing although easier to take from a stranger than a parent I felt.

hipchick

Yes i remember my old hag also, but we all just took the **** out of her... Better to give him facts than leave it up to his friends to give him the total wrong idea about whats going on in his body!!

Victor

I think way too many people are hard done by in this country (and elsewhere) when it comes to sex education. Personally, when I found out the basic anatomy bits c. age 13-14, I then spent a few years trying to figuring out how it all fitted together. Luckily, the biology teacher we had in 5th &6th year was helpful (except for fast-forwarding through that part of the video). I think that sex education needs to fully explain sex, not just show airbrushed drawings of limp body parts.

memphis

From a guy point of view, I think the kid will come to you when he has a question, it appears from what you have stated above that you have made it known that you are there for him when he has a problem.

At that age though they tend to know alot more than you think.

The book idea is a wise one, go with that. But maybe a guy should talk to him, perhaps a close family friends who he gets on with and is in the know of this adult talk, etc.

hipchick

I do have a good relationship with him and he knows if he needs to talk about anything its up to him to approach me no matter what the subject matter.


Think the book will be great for him at least he will have all the FACTS and less of the fiction passed on by friends.


Thanks everyone for your advice!:D

Beruthiel

Originally posted by hipchick
It will just take some getting used to the fact that he doesn't want to talk to me about some issue's but that is the natural progression.

it's a bummer that one!
you can't shut them up when they are tiny but they hit 11 or 12 and sometimes it's like getting blood out of a stone

what works for me (I have a girl so that helps) is just be natural, say things as they come to you - I've done it so often at this stage that nothing I come out with seems to bother her, she's used to me saying stuff out of no where

hipchick

I know excately what your talking about. I do it all the time, i think he thinks i'm a little crazy crazy, but its just me. He has gotten used to it by now.

Thank for help was much appreciated, nice to get someone else's point of view.

Crash

The talk is given in 6th class (oh that was a memory). some schools give further sex talks but the only one i got was (seeing as i was in an opus dei school for 3 years) "sex is bad. dont do it until you're married. then you'll understand EXACTLY what to do. but only sex. otherwise you're going to hell. and dont be gay. or you'll get smited."

I remember my mam getting me a book called "boy talk" i think it was which quite informative (found it recently in my room and remembered how many things i sat there going "oh. aaah. hmmm..." at )

i dont think i ever got a sex talk from my father, they made the offer but i really didnt want to talk about it with them (i was a very shy child). in the end it worked out well enough, i believe myself to be reasonably well informed on the do's/don'ts of life during/after adolescence, and i think that your son will do what he sees is the right thing. i believe that "The talk" should be offered, but not forced on kids as it can be incredibly uncomfortable for children coming into adolescence.


and there you go, the views of a 17 1/2 year old

guess it gives you the chance to see it from the other side :cool:

hipchick

Thanks crash_000...Have given book to him and just waiting for him to give me some grief about it. But he knows if he wants to talk that i'm there for him so we will wait and see..

Jokah

let us know what happens.

hipchick

Well gave him the book and he thinks its great, so do all his friends...he took the p*** out of me for a while saying "ma sure i know most of this stuff".. But in saying that he's nearly read the whole book already.. Was well worth it even just by giving him the book it has made it so much easier to talk about any of the issues that may arise.

Jokah

Great,

Books.........is there anything they cannot do?

chill

My son is 11.

I hope to god you don't mean to say that you haven't spoken to him about how babies are made. Because if that's the case then you need a good proverbial slapping !

Children are not weeds; to be left to grow this way or that depending on the weather. They need direction and moulding and shaping every day.

Don't wait until he needs to ask about stuff. You need to create situations where you can chat quietly to him whether he wants it or not. Waiting until he is ready is something that happens when he is five or six. He's 11 !

I would suggest to you that you need to get a grip now. You don't need a man to do what you are too timid to do.

If you haven't discussed how babies are made yet... then you need to create a situation where the subject of babies comes up. Then you need to shape the conversation so that you can make matter of fact comments about the principles involved, so that you can determine what he knows. Drop a comment or two of corrective information and leave it.... and change the subject. Repeat this a few times over a few weeks and get a little more involved each time. DON'T feel you have to discuss the minutiae becvause very often boys will find this grosses them out. He just needs to know the principles now.

Later or if you have already had this conversation... you need to tackle more subtle issues such as how to treat girls; why he is starting to like girls; changes in his body and hormones; how to react to girls he likes or who like him.

However it cannot all be handeled in one or two quick conversations. Even by a MAN.

If you sit back and wait, then you may find that the time he comes to you for advice is when he has to tell you she's pregnant.

You may think I'm being harsh, but this is important for a guy's whole life. Being coy or nervous isn't an option.

hipchick

"I would suggest to you that you need to get a grip now. You don't need a man to do what you are too timid to do."

I know i don't need a man to talk to my son and i also don't need a man to tell me that i'm too timid to talk to my son. I have discussed how babies are made but think that some of the other issues might be very embarrassing for my SON to talk to his mother about, and i don't agree with forcing him into anything he is not comfortable with.

Since giving my son the book it has given him the courage to talk more openly then before, therefore i feel that i have done the right thing in not pushing him into disscussing what obviously embarrasses him too much.

The Sweeper

Originally posted by chill
My son is 11.

...

You may think I'm being harsh, but this is important for a guy's whole life. Being coy or nervous isn't an option.

By the tone of your entire post which lists the ease of text book parenting I'd like to say one thing: you don't sound old enough to have a son of 11, and I can't believe you do from what you say. Your post is patronising. I'd love to know how you'd feel if your alleged 11 year old son was an 11 year old daughter and you had to explain menstruation to her.


Hipchick sounds to me like you did exactly what you needed to. The book idea from Beruthiel was a fab one - worked for me when I was that age.

Jokah

I agree totally with minesajackdaniels.

Hipchick has done the correct thing.

Quote

"Since giving my son the book it has given him the courage to talk more openly then before, therefore i feel that i have done the right thing in not pushing him into disscussing what obviously embarrasses him too much."

What more could she have asked for????? She has informed him, leaving the door open for future questions.

Now he knows and I think fairplay to Hipchick.

Oh yeah and

"If you sit back and wait, then you may find that the time he comes to you for advice is when he has to tell you she's pregnant."

He is 11!! I think she is a responsible enough parent to inform her son about the goings on at life when he is at a more mature age.

Chill you took this post to a different level.

chill

Originally posted by Minesajackdaniels
By the tone of your entire post which lists the ease of text book parenting I'd like to say one thing: you don't sound old enough to have a son of 11

At 46 I am clearly better able to assess this sad situation better than you. The issue is one of copping out a parent's responsibilities, which extend further than offering critical life information out a book.

and I can't believe you do from what you say. Your post is patronising. I'd love to know how you'd feel if your alleged 11 year old son was an 11 year old daughter and you had to explain menstruation to her.

This is the 21st century. Ireland is not still in the fifties. You need to catch up and realise that we need to talk to our children about sex and our body processes from an early age. It's not good enough to be obsessed with your own embarrassment or awkwardness. Sex is good. Our bodies are natural. We don't need another generation of children coming into adolescence without knowing and understanding their own bodies because of the cowardice of their parents.

I don't mean to be patronising, only impatient and robust. I may not be offering cosy disingenuous support for someone who is clearly unwilling to do her job, but that's my opinion and there I stand. You clearly don't agree, fine.

chill

Originally posted by hipchick
Since giving my son the book it has given him the courage to talk more openly then before, therefore i feel that i have done the right thing in not pushing him into disscussing what obviously embarrasses him too much. [/B]

Yes. You have successfully saved yourself the awkwardness of dealing with a situation where your unwillingness to embarrass yourself has caused her to feel embarrassed about the whole subject.
However if you had tackled the issue when you should have, a long long time ago then you would not have found yourself in this situation.
You may thnk all is solved now. But the fact is that you have handed the responsibility of passing on your own values and experience to that of a book and taught her that values come from 'books' which in my opinion they don't. I don't personally believe that that is a good thing and that my original advice stands.
You may think I'm being appallingly blunt and aggressive. Maybe. But I have seen so much of this over the years and seen what happens when parents fail to tackls these issues early on.
I do wish you all the best and have nothing but good intentions toward you and your daughter, otherwise I wouldn't bother.

Jokah

"has caused her to feel embarrassed "

"and taught her that values come from 'books' "

"have nothing but good intentions toward you and your daughter"

Hate to be pedantic but she has two sons.....no daughters.

"But the fact is that you have handed the responsibility of passing on your own values and experience to that of a book "

The book is a stepping stone and since giving him the book he has had the courage to approach her and they have talked about it and I'm sure hipchick will or has already passed on her own values and experience, like any sane parent...

hipchick

Thanks illgetuthatjackdanielssomeday.....

I think that children although they do need guidance they also have to be able to experience things for themselves not to always be told what is going on but to figure it out...like life really.
It is important to have someone you can trust and it can take a while to earn trust. I have come to a stage in both mine and my son's life that will be interesting to say the least and lots of fun to boot!

"You can not know everything all of the time......Life is an experience so start experiencing"

Beruthiel

Chill
Hipchick came in here for advice, not to be flamed because she is not bring up her child the same way that you do

I find your comments unhelpful and insulting
the woman is doing her best to take care of her child the best she can and from what I can see, she’s doing fine.

The Sweeper

Originally posted by chill
At 46 I am clearly better able to assess this sad situation better than you.

What has the fact that you're in the middle of the male menopause got to do with anything? I don't think you're clearly better at anything frankly. And I stand by my original claim; you still don't sound mature enough to have an 11 year old.

Originally posted by chill
The issue is one of copping out a parent's responsibilities, which extend further than offering critical life information out a book.

Hipchick hasn't copped out of anything. She's tackled the issue very responsibly by supplying her son with access to educational material that is accurate and informative. Or are books bad where you come from? Should we burn the books?

Originally posted by chill
This is the 21st century. Ireland is not still in the fifties. You need to catch up and realise that we need to talk to our children about sex and our body processes from an early age.

Nope. We need to inform our children. If talking is an essential part of this process does that make mute people bad parents?

Originally posted by chill
It's not good enough to be obsessed with your own embarrassment or awkwardness.

I don't think Hipchick is obsessed with anything actually, I think she was more conscious of not adding to the difficulty of having a newly adolescent son, who's personal view of women has changed since his hormones started going wild, and that view includes now being uncertain of how to talk to his mother, and uncomfortable sharing certain issues with her. He's at that stage where he gets a hard-on staring at lino, perhaps he isn't sure what his voice is going to sound like when he opens his mouth and he's generally out of sorts. He probably doesn't want to talk about anything, least of all the human reproductive organs.

Originally posted by chill
Sex is good. Our bodies are natural.

Are you a born again hippy chill? I didn't see anyone here saying 'sex is bad'. Bet this is part of that male menopause thing.

Originally posted by chill
We don't need another generation of children coming into adolescence without knowing and understanding their own bodies because of the cowardice of their parents.

Without knowing and understanding? So apparently the book will be useless? You don't seem to like the ability of the written word to impart knowledge chill.

CLEETUS? WE GAWT US A READER!

Originally posted by chill
I don't mean to be patronising, only impatient and robust.

Impatient and robust? You mean supercilious and rude?

Originally posted by chill
I may not be offering cosy disingenuous support for someone who is clearly unwilling to do her job, but that's my opinion and there I stand.

Suggesting that the support offered his is disingenuous is rather offensive. There is nothing insincere at all in the various posters on this thread suggesting that Hipchick turn to literature to break the ice on this subject in a positive way, with sensitivity and empathy to her son's adolescent condition.

Originally posted by chill
You clearly don't agree, fine.

/me looks up the length of this reply...

...yes, clearly.

chill

Originally posted by Beruthiel
Chill
Hipchick came in here for advice, not to be flamed because she is not bring up her child the same way that you do

That's completely untrue. I gave her helpful, if robust, advice. I did criticise her but that doesn't equate to flaming.

I find your comments unhelpful and insulting

Then you just don't understand much about the subject. I have my opinions and she has hers as do you. To find other people's views insulting is nonsensical.

the woman is doing her best to take care of her child the best she can and from what I can see, she’s doing fine.

I am absolutely sure she's doing her best. And your opinion is your opinion and that's fine. I don't agree. That's what boards is for, an exchange of views.

chill

Originally posted by Minesajackdaniels
What has the fact that you're in the middle of the male menopause got to do with anything?

Oh great. Juvenile humour in a parenting group...

I don't think you're clearly better at anything frankly. And I stand by my original claim; you still don't sound mature enough to have an 11 year old.

Unlike yourself who probably wouldn't know which end up a baby was when it needs to be changed. What a model you make.

Hipchick hasn't copped out of anything. She's tackled the issue very responsibly by supplying her son with access to educational material that is accurate and informative. Or are books bad where you come from? Should we burn the books?

Before you get carried way with your love affair with hyperbole, I believe she should have tackled these issues far earlier and said so. I don't believe in using books as a substitute for parenting. I said so. if you can't deal with people holding different views then you have a problem with people.

Nope. We need to inform our children. If talking is an essential part of this process does that make mute people bad parents?

There is more to rearing a child than 'informing' them. Communication takes many forms and one of them isn't tossing textbooks at them to save one's own embarrassment.

He probably doesn't want to talk about anything, least of all the human reproductive organs.

Your points are accurate and descriptive. BUt my criticism stands - I think this should all have been dealt with earlier and the problems he has would have been hugely lessened.

Are you a born again hippy chill? I didn't see anyone here saying 'sex is bad'. Bet this is part of that male menopause thing.

Keep trying. But you're not getting any funnier..

Without knowing and understanding? So apparently the book will be useless? You don't seem to like the ability of the written word to impart knowledge chill.

Not as a substitute for parenting. I have provided my son with plenty of these kinds of books, but in the context of regular chats on the subjects. It's a big diference you may discover when you grow up..

Impatient and robust? You mean supercilious and rude?

Clearly you have a limited grasp of the language. What dictionary are you using again ?

Suggesting that the support offered his is disingenuous is rather offensive.

You are such a delicate thing I wonder how you survive in the world. Cosy unconditional support doesn't always equate to being helpful.

dahamsta

Chill, do you want a hand down off that horse?

adam

Nevyn

Right you two no need to get so snotty with each other. This forum is lightly moderated cos it hasn’t needed anything else until now.

Every child is different and parents know their children better then anyone else.

There are many styles of parenting and no two sets of parents do it the same it is one thing to do it differently and quiet another to condemn some one for handling the situation in a manner that was not your own.

Not every 11 year old is already obsessed with sex and girls, Children developed at deferent rates mentally emotionally and physically.

Yes children need to know that their bodies will be changing but there is no need to burdened them with information they don’t need yet.

There is a parenting course and book that deals with children sex and sexuality,
http://www.familycaring.co.uk/course_parents.htm

Book: Parenting and Sex
Support for parents at all stages - from birth until beyond adolescence.
Price £5.95
When should you talk to children about sex, and how much should you say to them? Are they not getting too much information already? At what age should they be allowed to go to discos? What limits should there be on television and video viewing? What do you do when your three year old puts her hands down the front of her pants in public? What do you say to your teenagers about dating? What can parents do to support their children in the face of powerful pressures and influences today? These are just a few of the questions tackled in this simply-written book. You will find it down to earth and practical.



a book is a good starting point, and it can be the spark for a lot of discussions and give the child information to take part in talking about this with his/her parent. With a book to refer to the child knows that this is real information and facts and that it is open knowledge and
not something that is hidden or that needs to be embarassed or a shamed to talk about.