father ted quotes

kanurocks

SAME IDEA AS THE SIMPSONSQUOTES PAGE BUT MORE PATRIOTIC.FATHER TED THE BEST THING EVER TO COME OUT OF IRELAND TV WISE.SO JUST ADD IN A FEW OF FAVORITE QUOTES

BISHOP BRENNAN
can we hurry this up crilly i have an audience with the pope
DUGAL
is that like an audience with lilly savage
____________________________________________________
BISHOP BRENNAN
CRILLY I HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH
MISSES DOYLE
LOOKS LIKE YOULL HAVE TO STAY THE NIGHT YOUR GRACE,I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD THEY'VE TAKEN IN THE ROADS
BISHOP B
TAKEN IN THE ROADS
TED
YES,YOU SEE WHEN IT GETS TO WET THEY STORE THEM IN A WAREHOUSE ON THE WEST SIDE OF THE ISLAND.

mike65

Fr Ted explains to Dougal-
"Big things are near, small things are far away..."

and of course

"Down with this sort of thing"

Mike.

Repli

And now lets stand..... for our national anthem....
Doooooooo ddoodododooo (the specials - ghost town)

kanurocks

BISHOP B
crilly when im finished with you the ony rabitt around will be the one behind the controls in your head!!
___________________________________________________
TED
dugal when bishop brennan gets here dont call him len and dont mention the the son.
ENTER BISHOP BRENNAN
DUGAL
howarya len hows the son
BB
what?!!!
TED
the son of god ,hows the son of god!
____________________________________________________
TEd
dugal how did you get into the clergy , was it like collect ten crisp packets and become a priest?

Ebonyks

AR$E BISCUITS !

and

HAIRY JAPANESE BA$TARDS !



simple but poignant......

JackKelly

"FATHER TED THE BEST THING EVER TO COME OUT OF IRELAND TV WISE"

you may need to change that, its an english program. But written by irish!

I LOVE father ted. I bought the box set a while ago.

Fr Stack: What are we watchin
Other priest: We're watching the sports day
Fr Stack: A load of young fellas running around in shorts? Thats what you like to watch. ANd you (another priest) like that to. Only your imagining what they look like without the shorts. You're sittin ther, imagining that, with a BIIIGGG smile on your face.........dirty fecker.
Mr Ted: Fr stack. if your trying to embarres us, your not succeding.
Fr Stack: Yes i am
Other Priest: I think your a very rude priest.
Fr Stack: If you ever say that to me again, i'l put your head through the wall.



later on

Fr Stack I took your car keys, and drove it into a big wall, and if you don't like it-tough, cuz i've had my fun and thats all that matters



Fr Stack see ya girls....................................pair of ****

^^ you have had to have seen that episode to find it funny ^^


"i was just asking mrs doyle if i could put my massive tool in her box?"


"ted, you forgot your brick"


"fup off, your backstard"
or
"ye fupin pederfile"

There's to many to list!

dahamsta

Episode 23: Night of the Nearly Dead. (The Eoin McLove one.)

SCENE 23 INT./NIGHT 3
SET: PAROCHIAL HOUSE

Ted is still thinking hard. We see Eoin in the corner of the room, asleep,
sucking his thumb. Patsy is asleep, too. Ted and Dougal are conspiring together
in another part of the room.

TED: We have to get him out of here. You know what we need? Some
kind of distraction. Something to lead them away from him, and then he could
escape. Some kind of misleading event. What could it be?

Pause.

DOUGAL: I know!

TED: What?

DOUGAL: A 'diversion'. That's what it's called. A 'diversion'.

Pause.

TED: I know it's called a diversion! I'm not asking you what it's
called! I'm asking what the diversion should be! God almighty! Right, come
on. Ideas, ideas.

Pause. Jack-looks as if he's about to say something, then changes his
mind, then leans forward, then changes his mind. Ted notices this movement,
as does Dougal. They look at him and silently wait for him to speak. Finally,
he leans forward and puts one finger in the air in a 'how about this?' type
gesture.

JACK: Arse! Feck! Drink! Girls!

TED: Yes ... thank you, Father Jack.

TED: We need more concrete ideas than that. What do older women like?

JACK: My cock in a burger bun.

Pause as they take this in.

DOUGAL: Do you know what they really, really love, Ted?

JACK: My cock in a burger bun!

DOUGAL: A great game of bingo. What about luring them into some kind
of giant game of bingo?

TED: Right. How would we do that?

DOUGAL: Well. We could make up some bingo cards on our printing press,
and then ... Oh.

TED: Yes. It's the lack of a printing press that stops us there,
Dougal. Plus we have no bingo balls. Or a big, glass, bingo-ball dispenser
thing that blows out the bingo balls. Or a microphone. Or, in fact, any bingo
paraphernalia at all.

DOUGAL: Damn! So near and yet so far!

Raphael

"Will you have a bun father? They've got cocaine in them!"

"WHAT?!?!?"

"Did I say cocaine? I meant raisins"

Gordon

Originally posted by mike65
"Down with this sort of thing"

Mike.

Careful now.

superconor

Dougal - LEN COME QUICK!
Bishop Brennan - You will address me by my proper title you little bollocks!

Dougal - im no good at judging crowds ted, but id say theres about 3 million of them out there!

Mrs. Doyle - Father Jack will have a cup.
Fr. Jack - ARSE!
Mrs Doyle - now father, what do you say to a nice cup of tea?
jack - FECK OFF CUP!

commuterised

"Down with that sort of thing!
Careful now!"

That scene was filmed outside the cinema in Greystones!

John2002

Tom (to Ted after coming out of the Post Office with his shotgun: "Twas my money Father, I just didn't want to fill out the forms"

There's so many classing lines in that series.

avatar

"Feck it... Feck it anyway..."

"DON'T TELL ME I'M STILL ON THAT FECKIN' ISLAND!"

"Where are the other two?"

"I really shouldn't be here"

"my lovely lovely lovely horse..."

"Run Dougal, run quite fast"

"Of course, they've ALL got lovely bottoms..."

"I just remembered Aliens is on the telly after the news!"

"Fup off, ya fuppin' grasshole!"

" 'And now, let us stand for the National Anthem' (Ghost Town starts to play)"

There are so MANY....

Repli

TimAy: LOL That Brendan Grace episode was the funniest 1 i've ever seen

wolfman

Mrs Doyle: "Ride me sideways was another one!"

Complaining about the language in the novel

dahamsta

"Ride me sideways" was a ad lib that Pauline McLynn threw in at the last minute. So was Dougal's line when he was describing the "monster": "And it's got two arses."

adam /father ted nerd

swiss

FR.TED: Time for bed.
FR.STONE But it's only half seven!
FR.TED: Yes, but I have to be up at 11 in the morning.

DOUGAL Do you remember that film Ted when that man had his head transported onto a fly, and eh, the fly's head is transported on to the man.
FR.TED: Oh yes. What was that called?
DOUGAL: Out of Africa I think, anyway....

TOM:Father!
FR.TED: Yes Tom?
DOUGAL: I've killed a man!
FR.TED: Oh did you. i'll have to talk to you about that later, I'm doing an interview for the television

JOHN: You big fat smelly cow.
MARY: Titface. You have a face like a pair of tits.
JOHN: Well at least that's one pair between us!

FR.TED: It's just that someone I know is dying.
SR.ASSUMPTA: Oh Dear. Is it serious?[/quote]

Of course... who can forget My Lovely Horse

FR.TED & DOUGAL:
My lovely horse running through the field,
Where are you going, with your fetlocks blowing in the wind,
I want to shower you with sugar lumps, and ride you over fences,
I want to polish your hooves every single day and take you to the horse dentist.

My lovely horse your a pony no more.
Running around with a man on your back,
Like a train in the night.

Sounds of Father Ted

Pure comedy

embee

Ted : Now Dougal, when Bishop Brennan gets here, DONT call him Len, right?
Dougal : Dont worry about me Ted - the lights are on but no-ones home.

Dougal : Hows your bra?

Eoin McLove : Im Eoin McLove I could have you killed.

Ted : That money was just resting in my account.

Dougal : Last year I had a go at horse riding and it was just fantastic.
Ted : I didnt know you could ride horses.
Dougal : Well it wasnt a real horse, Ted. It was an oul fella with a saddle on him.

Man at Craggy Island Fair : A baby has become lodged in the tunnel of goats. Could we have a doctor or nurse to the tunnel of goats please.

Eoin McLove : I smell wee!!! That man there smells of wee!!

Father Damien : Hes not the boss of me!!!!

Dougal : Whats going on?
Ted : Were in Irelands largest lingerie department.
Dougal : No, I mean in general.

Mrs. Doyle : Pat was just wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.

Dougal : It was like a great big tide of jam. but jam... made out of old women.

Dougal : Were all goin' to heaven lads wahey!!!!

Eoin McLove : Go away from me! I dont want to catch the menopause!!

Ted : I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests......More drink?

Dougal : God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted : No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal : Oh right.


Just off the top of me head like......

Mr E

Bishops love sci-fi.

syncosised

Dougal: "TED! Did Len find the rabiits yet?"
Bishop Brennan: "What did he say?!?"
Ted: "I'd better explain..."
BB: "Did he call me Len??? (shouts down to Dougal) You call me by my proper name ya little bollix!"

Vader

(The one with the 3 bishops and yhe holy stone)

Bishop: Well father are their any aspect of your faith you have troubles with?

Dougal:Well you know the way god is in heaven and he created us from heaven and he sent his son down from heaven to save us and when we all die we're all going to go to heaven?

Bishop: ..yes?

Dougal: Well thats the bit I have trouble with.

ShaneOC

Father Clippit says a good long mass. Four hours he does. Since his stroke.

---

No. We're up in space doing important work for NASA.

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Eoin McLove: You leave me alone. I could have you killed.

---

Dougal: I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there .

---

Dougal: It's like a great big tide of jam. But jam made out of... old women.

---

Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well.

---

I'm hungry. Where's the jam?

---

Dougal: The ants are back Ted!

---

You'd better get going, because milk gets sour. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that. Because it's ****e.

---

Eoin McLove: Go away! I don't want to catch menopause!

---

Ted: (to Richard Wilson) I don't beleeeeeeeeeve it!

---

Ted: Once again Dougal, you've made me look like a complete fool in front of real people. Thanks very much.
Dougal: To be honest Ted, I forgot you had the money. I was just going to tell you... your fly's open.

---

Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'

---

Ted: The Chinese. A great bunch of lads!

---

Jack: I'm sooooo, sooooo, soooo sorry!
Ted: Now that's sarcasm.

---

Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.

---

Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.

---

Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You can rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?

---

Ted: JUST PLAY THE F***ING NOTE!!!

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Pat Mustard: I'm a very careful man, Father.
Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom!
Pat: You're not advocating the use of artificial contraception now, are you?
Ted: Well, ye......well, no...well, naturally.....well, not really....well, of course you'd............JUST FECK OFF!

---

Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards together we'd get....Pat Mustard?
Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more than just dairy products, if you see what I mean.
Dougal: Yes.......well........er...y..well.......yes.
Ted: Do you?
Dougal: No.

---

Dougal: Those women were in the nip!

---

Jack: I love my brick!

---

Mrs Doyle: Pat was just wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.

---

Ted: Dougal, have you been drinking?
Dougal: Yes Ted. I've been drinking like a mad eejit. (stage wink at Father Stack) I mean, no. I haven't.

---

Dougal: As if magic, I can create a big crowd of invisible ducks.

---

Dougal: How come all the rocks are different sizes?

---

Ted: Sheep, like all wool-bearing animals, instinctively travel north, where it's colder, and they won't be so stuffy.

---

Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.

---

Mary: (to John) You've a face like a pair o' tits!
John: At least that's one pair between us!

---

Mrs Doyle: I'm so excited. Taking on three bishops all at once. I can't wait.

---

Dougal: How did the sergeant catch Father Jack at all?
Ted: Well, Dougal. He's an elderly priest driving a Flymo at 2 miles per hour around the island. How hard could it be?

---

Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.

---

Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic.
Dougal: Jack? Scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted!

---

Dougal: Ted, will you look at this table. It's so dirty I could write me name in it.
Ted: (peering at table) There's a G in 'Dougal'.
Dougal: Where?

---

Dougal: A one-word film. There can't be too many of those. Salem's Lot?

---

Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests...
...More drink!

---

Ted: So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that fella.... E.T.

---

Polly Clarke: My husband. Now there was a man who really was afraid of Virginia Woolf.
Ted: Why? Was she... following him or something?

---

Dougal: Aah! Brilliant. A load of people in a stable! It's the one thing I didn't expect.

---

Ted: So... let me get this straight. You were up on an old man, riding him around and whipping him. For an hour.
Dougal: Yes.
Ted: You realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?

---

Dougal: Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate.

---

Fr. Stack: While you were out, I got the keys to your car. And drove it into a big wall. And if you don't like it, tough. I've had my fun, and that's all that matters.

---

Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: We're in Ireland's largest lingerie department
Dougal: No. I mean in general.

---

And now on BBC1: Jurassic Park. The Director's Cut. With extra dinosaurs.

---

Jack: How did that gob****e get on the television?

ShaneOC

---

Ted: Dougal, do we have any incense?
Dougal: (uncertainly) There was.. a spider in the bath the other night....

---

Fr. Stack: You're sittin' there, watching those young boys in shorts. With a big smile on your face. Ye daerty feckers.

---

Dougal: Wait a second. You're Elvis as well!

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Dougal: It's nice to have a nun around. Gives the place a bit of glamour.

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Dougal: So then. You're a nun?

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Ted: Of course... they all have lovely bottoms!

---

Father Brendan: God Ben I'm such an eejit - I've put the shorts - on me head !

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Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one !

---

John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?
Dougal : I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
John : A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?
Dougal : Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.
Mary : You and Father Ted?
Dougal : Yeah, we're just trying something out.
John : Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a pair. Sergeant Thornton left them here when he retired.
Dougal : Retired from what?
John : From the police.
Dougal : The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John : Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal : Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.
John : Anyway here's the handcuffs.
Dougal : Great, bye now.

---

Ted : So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal : Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
Ted : Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal : ...Oh right, yes.

---

Ted : Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day - chewing gum for the eyes!
Dougal : Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here.

---

Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!

---

Mrs Doyle: Oh she writes such filth, Father. It's always "Feck this" and "Feck that" - and sometimes she even uses the "F" word!

---

Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack : FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!

---

Mrs Doyle: (whilst Ted is trying to eat a sausage) Oh it's a filthy, dirty business, sex. Can you imagine, Father. Your husband standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself. I want you to get a good clear picture.

---

Jack : (after sobering up) YOU! YOU! YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Ted : That's a spoon, Father

---

Ted : I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice.
Jack : SACRIFICE? ARSE!

---

Dougal : Oh Wow! It's like a big rabbit rock festival!

---

Dougal : Do you believe in God, then Ted?

---

Dougal : I'll have them Mrs Doyle. I love egg. In fact sometimes I think I'm going to turn into a big giant egg.
Ted : I think that process has already begun.

---

Ted : His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal : God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted : Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.

---

Ted : The holy stone... It must be even holier than we thought. Perhaps it's something to do with that fellow who came over from England last year. He touched it - and he grew a beard!
Dougal : Wow. Weird. That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class 1.
Ted : Ooh, Class 1'd be very rare. That'd be bringing people back to life... time travel... cloning dinosaurs... Very rare.

---

Dougal : Well, who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and they're gone. What's so bad about that?
Ted : Dougal, they're bishops! (pause)
Dougal : ...Oh right, yes.

---

Ted : I think it might work, Dougal. I know it'll work. It will work.
Dougal : It won't work, will it Ted?
Ted : ...It won't, no.

---

Ted : What am I doing on the fecking wheel!!!

---

Jack : Feck! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!

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Ted : Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far away...

---

Father Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Ted : Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.

---

Ted : Dougal, you can't go around wearing an earring.
Dougal : But Father Damo has one!
Ted : Oh I see, so did Father Damo give you the idea?
(Dougal nods)
Ted : Honestly, Dougal, what next? Will he be giving you crack cocaine or something?
Dougal : Crack cocaine! Now come on, Ted.
(Dougal looks very shifty)

---

Ted : Honestly, Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?
Dougal : You're right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike - I used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you know? But after a while... it just wasn't enough. I started going for bigger and bigger thrills... But I could give it up! Any time I wanted!
Ted : You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn't.
Dougal : (falling to his knees and weeping into Ted's crotch) You're right, Ted, I admit I've got a problem...

---

Ted : You know the phrase 'to take care of something'? Well, I realise now that you meant that in a sort of Al Pacino way. Whereas I was thinking more along the lines of Julie Andrews.

---

Dougal : God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!

---

Mrs Doyle : Oh - by the way, Bishop Brennan, your car's parked outside.
Bishop Brennan: I know. I parked it there myself.
Mrs Doyle : Well, if you're looking for the windscreen wipers they're in the kitchen.
The bishop looks puzzled and worried.
Mrs Doyle : I thought they needed a little wash. The only trouble is... I broke the side window as I was snapping them off.
Bishop Brennan: Leave my car alone and don't touch it again!
Mrs Doyle : Right you are Bishop. Oh! Just one thing - is your car petrol or diesel?
Bishop Brennan: Leave it alone Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle : (laughing) Oh no, Your Grace, this is just curiosity. Is it petrol or...?
Bishop Brennan: It's diesel, it's diesel!
Mrs Doyle : Oh right. So it'd do a terrible amount of damage if I was to put petrol in it?
Bishop Brennan: Yes. It would completely ruin the car's engine.
Mrs Doyle : Oooh! Well! (hysterical laughter) I certainly won't be doing that then! (turns to leave with a look of horror and guilt on her face)

Vader

Dougal: Spider baby. It has the body of a spider but the mind of a baby.

Liquorice

Ted: Where are you going to put the rabbits?
Tom: In the vice, Father.

Ted: She's got a lovely bottom.
Priest: Careful, Ted, you might insult the girls.
Ted: Sure haven't they all got lovely bottoms?
*Other priest gives thumbs-up sign*

Dougal: What's going on?
Other Priest: I think that Ted has a plan.
Dougal: No, I mean in general.

embee

Originally posted by Vader
Dougal: Spider baby. It has the body of a spider but the mind of a baby.

Thats the all time classic.

Vader

yea but the diagram with the rabbits at the end of that episode when he is being interveiwed is even better.

rymus

one for everyday use:

"I'm hugely confused Ted"

Crucifix

I can't remember the exact wording, but;
Ted: Why'd you do it?
Todd explains his greed for trophy's
Ted: No, why'd you take the priests clothes?
Todd: It was just going that way

embee

Dougal : Im very cynical, as you know Ted.

Dougal : God Ted, Im an awful eejit.

Ted : Dougal, is there some reason why July the 19th is significant?
Dougal : I dont know Ted ya big bollox.
Ted : Dougal! Have you been reading Roddy Doyle books again?
Dougal : I have Ted, ya feckin gobsh!te.

Capt'n Midnight

Marathon becomes Snickers

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That would be an ecumenical matter.