Need Advice on Boyfriend & his mother

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I need advice and quick because I don't know how long I can take this. for obvious reasons i dont want to be identified but i have been with my bf for 3 years and i love him very much, he says he loves me but to be honest i dont believe it anymore, for the past 6 weeks i have not once seen my bf during the day i see him for maybe an hour and before this we used to go away most days and we would be with each other all day & night, the reason i dont see him anymore is because he is helping his 'mammy' around the house and if he's not helping her, he's bringing her into town or whatever (we live 35 miles apart) before this if he spent a day with me he'd 'have to spend the following day with mammy' his mother doesn't like me, she puts on a front in front of him but if we're alone she'll ignore me and give me dirty looks, his sisters have turned on me becuase 'i have changed his personality' apparently, they have to such extremes to spilt us up, his mother and 2 sisters somehow planted a sanitary towel in his car where i would just happen to find it, this isn't even the full story. all he wants to do lately i spend more time with his mother evern though he knows she cant stand no matter wht she does it doesnt matter, he'll eat the head off me for anything but say not a word to 'mammy'

i will go into further depth if i can try and get some of your opinions on what to do please help me

elexes

hmmmmmmmm talk to him maby ask him whats going on make sure everything is ok . dono but a guy's and his mom's relation in almost every case cannot be messed with . gl ull need it

skipn_easy

I went through a similar situation although not to such an extreme.

You can talk to him and tell him how you feel but if he has his reasons to spend time with his mom then you will just have to learn to deal with it. You mightn't agree with those reasons, nor think they are good reasons but if you they're anyway reasonable then you'll have to trust him and put his needs ahead of yours for the time-being.

If you are unhappy with the amount of time you're spending together then you should talk about it, and he should make more of an effort to see you. Surely his mother doesn't need him there ALL the time? Or maybe you could try and work on your relationship with his mother? If she needs him to help her around the house then offer to help as well... that way you can spend time with him and build your relationship with his mother (earn some browny points).

Eventually if you stay together and this carry-on continues without any end in sight then he will have to make a choice between you but beware in case it isn't you. Make sure that you have tried every possible other solution, and made it clear previously that you are unhappy. Don't just hit it out of the blue with a 'its her or me' ultimatum. It really depends how desperate you are. How long has it been going on, how long will you be prepared to put up with it etc.?

Trojan

And you're still with him because ... ?

Sleipnir

You didn't say how old he was but, if he's still 19, 20, 21 he might just need some time to grow up a a bit.
If he's older, I'd say he'll always think of his 'mammy' first, like Daniel O'Donnell.
Some men just can't grow up from being "mammy's favourite boy in the whole world" and some mothers can't accept the fact that their son is now a person of their own, with their own opinions, faults and character.
It does sound like the mammy is trying to split you up, probably telling him all sorts of things when you're not around and basically poisoning your relationship.
Tell him if he doesn't show you the same repect he shows his mammy, he can get lost. It's time he detached himself from the titty and grew the fcuk up. he sounds like an idiot.

DaithiSurfer

Men don't choose to spend time with their mammy over a girl they are into.
You seem the type that he can walk on so he walks on you.
Don't belive he spends ALL his time with her. He's probably doing the dirt.
How do you know that **** wasn't left in the car by accident rather than planted by his family. Seems a bit far fetched. I suppose HE told you that happened.
You better wise up and get rid before he does.
You're obviously not happy anyway.

Miguel_Sanchez

Just a note on the sanitary towel incident

Why the hell would his sisters or mother 'plant' that in his car.

"Oh my GOD - a sanitary towel - you must be cheating on me"

"Eh no love it probably slipped out of a shopping bag when I was helping my sister home with her shopping"

Ewwwww - please say it wasn't used.


If they were trying to make you dump him they could have done better - like planting some skimpy underwear or something - that old classic.

I want to hear the full story about that incident as it seems really bizarre.

LegacyUser

Hi thanks for all your replies, im sorry i didnt explain very well but im trying to get everything out of me, re: sanitary towel incident, we went to the cinema that particular night, i brought a blouse with me incase i got cold, left the blouse in the glove compartment, parked the car, got back and i took out my blouse to put it on and the sanitary towel fell onto my lap! We both know who it was but cant proove it

he's 24 should have enough sense, i have tried and tried with his mother but im not going to bother anymore cos im sick of it.

i have tried to talk to him we had 2 blazing rows over this week, ive told him im, fed up being on my own but he has chosen to ignore me. the thing is his family in my opionion treats him like dirt, when they want to use him (mammy in particular) she will and he'l go for it

another thing maybe im over reacting here but i hate drink and 2 months afte we met he promised me he was giving up the drink for me becuase he loved me so much, now he decides hes going to start drinking again becuase 'he doesnt know why he bothered giving it up in the first place' he accused me of trying to change him which i have never done i didnt ask him to stop drinking or smoking. i have no probkem with him drinking but i do have a problem with him goign back on his promise.

sorry guys as you can pribably see im a mess, i have no friends so i cant talk to anyone.

Yavvy

is he worth it ?

He doesnt sounf like the sorta guy you wanna be in a long term relationship with. Either hes bored or the mother has turned him off you.

If hes bored then he aitn the one and if its the mother then he will just end up like that norman bates fella from that alfred hitchcock film....

but if you think hes worth it then it sounds like you may have to confront the mother ( I woudl reccomend doing that with a sledge hammer but that might be a bit harsh)

Trojan

This guy has as many red flags as Silverstone on a GP weekend. You need to ditch him, and ditch him fast. You don't need to explain it to him, or talk it through - he's either an idiot and won't understand (in which case, why bother explain?), or he's intelligent enough to realise how sh!t he's treating you, in which case he doesn't care.

So no explanations necessary, just call him up right now and tell him it's over.

And go to the pub with some mates - it's Friday.

Al.

Yavvy

she doesnt drink or smoke ...pub maybe isnt the best place

a beer garden maybe !

Sleipnir

It would seem that the general concensus is that if he can't leave his mother, you should dump him. It's like you're going out with the mother as well as himself.
It just sounds like it'll never be a rosy relationship. I'd have no time for people like him.

KoNiT

His mam appears to have a very strong CONTROL over this boy & easily manipulates him, is he an only son? Is his father dead?
It sounds like your future Mother in law is trying to make him the man of her house.

How serious are you about this person?
If you get married, where will you live? Can he live away from Ma, is there a farm of land involved?
She will continue to control him, if even from a distance sometimes even to spite you.

His drinking seems to be his comfort, the “fuk dis I’m off drinking” attitude will not help in the future - I have seen this attitude in others & the result.

Will he drink when times are hard / easy / Tuesday?! Can you afford this, mentally never mind monetary?

On the flip side of the coin......

before this we used to go away most days and we would be with each other all day & night

Do both of you work? How old are you?

Maybe she's trying to calm him down, Do you think she considers you to be bad influence?

Wyvern is correct "Don't just hit it out of the blue with a 'its her or me' ultimatum" that will either terminate the relationship or sour it.

patch

I'd say the mother is just an excuse. Get rid of the muppet. people don't change, your wasting your time.

Give one of your old mates a buzz, go for a few drinks and next time keep in touch with your mates instead of putting them on the back burner.

BuffyBot

Hit the big red "escape" button...

LegacyUser

FAO: KoNiT:- I am very serious about him, I love him very very much that is why I have put up with this for so long. yes his father is dead, he is an only son. we have talked about marraige and we have agreed to live where i am from i would never consider moving to his place, he doesnt want to move to my town he prefers the country but said he 'will do it' and there is land involved, (but I dont think this is anything to do with it, i dont care about the land)

'His drinking seems to be his comfort, the “fuk dis I’m off drinking” attitude will not help in the future - I have seen this attitude in others & the result':- i honestly dont want him drinking becuase i hate the stuff and he knows it. yes both of us work together. i am a few years older than him

im not a bad influence at all, i am a decent good-living girl/woman what ever you want to call me, i dont lead him astray because i couldnt lead him astray! i just wish he would put me first even though he says i am first in his life, he doesnt carry this out

Hobbes

Life is too short to waste on assholes.

Dump him.. but do this.

If you have stuff at his house, remove it all. Just take it all in one go and say it's over. Don't reply to his messages/phone calls (if there are any). Don't answer the door to him

Don't look back and get yourself someone else who actually gives a fuk about you.

He is either too lazy/stupid to dump you, considers you a causal lay or hasn't got the balls to get a proper relationship either with you or someone else.

skipn_easy

what about talking through relationships, working things out, toughing the bad times out because you know the good times are worth it?

The previous replies are all things to think about, but I don't know if just jumping the ship is necessarily the best thing to do. Its a 3 year relationship which in my book spells serious, and means its worth trying to work it out.

LegacyUser

FAO: Wyvern:- im not going to dump him just yet, i am going to think strong and hard i can only put up with this for so long, I mean i havent seen him at all in nearly 6 weeks apart from when he has to work thats the only time i see hin otherwise he spends time with his mammy helping her of whatever, does this seem fair? why doesnt he respect me and stand up to the bitch, i absolutely hate her

bizmark

"will live where i want"
"i want him to give up drink"
"I want his compleat attension for his whole live"
"if I dont get it its over"
"I must come before the family"

hmmm if i was him id be thinking "WTF am i getting myself into" ME ME ME ME ME ME bah to that

id agree with every one else leave him but im saying it because it would be good for him



Now everyone go ahead and flame because i go against your views

LegacyUser

FAO:- BIZMARK

If you read the posts correctly you would see that i NEVER asked him to give-up drink, he decided that, maybe if you were in my position you might try and understand, try having your partners whole family against you because you wont do what they want you to do like babysit their kids, laugh at there stupid jokes etc

i dont expect to come before his family but at the moment all he sees are his family, I havent seen him outside of work in 6 weeks for f&$£ sake. READ PROPERLY before you reply

Trojan

Girl, it's plain and obvious to all us strangers on the net that the best thing you should do is get outta there. I can see you're not gonna do that, some people need to learn from their mistakes. Just don't look back in 5 years time and think "I shoulda took that advice". Set yourself a short time limit for your relationship to be enjoyable. If not, run.

TacT

If he's spending that much time with his mother and it's doing your head in and you think he doesn't love you anymore why don't you confront him and ask him about it?

tinyjim

Girl, it's time to jump!

Forget him, he's not worth it and you don't deserve that kind of mucking around. I'll put it this way, you'll never change him and if you do, he'll resent you for doing so eventually.

You sound like a decent and goodlooking lass; get out there, enjoy life and meet a nice man! it's not meant to be with this bloke, in my opinion.

bizmark

"cough"

i hate drink and 2 months afte we met he promised me he was giving up the drink

2 months of listen to "i hate drink bob so much i wish you gave it up" or something to that effect would make george best give up

you dont see the tie in their ? u hate drink 2 months later he said he will give up drink .........HMMMMMMM

I dont need to understand your point of view i have never had every one hate me and it leads me to wonder why you are

like babysit their kids, laugh at there stupid jokes etc

if you never do anything for someone else dont think they will like you.Its give and take .......Me me me me me

I did read your posts i came to a differnt problum than the rest of you lot

sunbeam

As a matter of interest is there any particular reason why his mother may need his constant help-is she elderly or disabled for example?

Typedef

You know.

Freud would have a field day with this sort of situation.

Anyway. Mother's 'rarely' like the girlfriend/significant other of their sons and fathers 'rarely' like the boyfriend/significant other of their daughters, because (according to Freud) there is an antagonism for affection between the mother-girlfriend father-boyfriend for the affections of the progeny in question.

I wouldn't read too much into that though, because life is very .... diverse.

Advice. Dump this fella, let's see if his sisters and mammy keep him company at night.

Else... if you really don't have any respect for yourself, you can kiss his family's ass, maybe it will get you somewhere.
Then again, maybe they'll still hate you, and he will still distance himself from you, and dump you and all that ass kissing will be for naught.

LegacyUser

Sunbeam, no his mother isn't disabled or elderly, if that was the case then I could try and understand why he wants to spend day and night with her

secret_squirrel

to be brutally honest its reading like this bloke is stuck between his domineering mother, and you who are coming across as quite domineering yourself. Why do you expect him to give up the drink? In most people liking a pint or two isnt a problem, it doesnt bother most girlfriends either.

Have you perhaps driven him back towards his mother??

Are you being unrealistic to expect him to change for you? Im not sure if you realise how much resentment just the odd mention of him giving up drink by you might have caused. Did he just say he was giving up for a quiet life??

And - possibly the worst - is he dating you cos you remind him of his mother. Many blokes when brought up by a strong mother will find the same qualities attractive in the girlfriends.

I agree with the previous posters make some time to sit down quietly and discuss things, just because you love each other doesnt mean that you are suited to a life together. If he wont meet after work do it at lunch.

But at least consider the fact that neither of you seems happy so you might have to call it a day.

Good Luck btw.

LegacyUser

BIZMARK: YOUR NOT WORTH THE EFFORT GO THINK WHAT YOU LIKE< YOU DONT KNOW THE FULL STORY

bizmark

ohhh i hit a soft spot seems im right HMMM what a supprise

is this how you get when you had your "rows" with your BF ? people dont agree with your view so its not worth considering ????? MEMEMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEMEMEME

LegacyUser

Secret squirrel: I think a lot of people are taking this up wrong, i am not domineeing. i did not ask him to give up the drink at all, it came up on our firts date, i said i dint drink i didnt like it, he said he drank, fine with me, i didnt say anything else on the matter at all, he told me, promised me 2 months later he would give it up for me. i dont mind him drinking at all, its that fact that he made me a promise.

i am nothing like his mother at all, im quiet, shym unreserved, she is pure nasty as far as im concerned. i really have tried talking to him, he says he loves me and i come first but im not asking too much to spend a bit of time together am i? i really couldnt imagine life without him, we have talked about marraige, kids etc but he has also said that when we get married he will visit his mother everyday and she lives 35 miles away, why?

LegacyUser

BIZMARK you didnt hit any soft spot at all, your not right at all, everyone is entitled to their opinion you should read andf know all the facts befor eyou intervine

Typedef

Originally posted by girl_in_need
Secret squirrel: I think a lot of people are taking this up wrong, i am not domineeing. i did not ask him to give up the drink at all, it came up on our firts date, i said i dint drink i didnt like it, he said he drank, fine with me, i didnt say anything else on the matter at all, he told me, promised me 2 months later he would give it up for me. i dont mind him drinking at all, its that fact that he made me a promise.

Err.

Step off. Unless the guy, is a drunk, it's totally his own choice if he drinks.

Also to be honest, one thing men commonly complain about women is that, women constantly try to change their lovers. This is true in both sexes, actually, and it would seem instanciated in your case.

Seriously, love your lover for who he is... not who you'd like him to be.... or don't.

You want to mould someone in your own image.. go, get some plasticine.

It's his life and if he wants to drink that's his choice.
To be honest, I think that the 'promise' thing, is simply a way for you to have legitimate reason to hassel your boyfriend about this topic... so, no wonder your relationship is deterioating... you don't accept him for who he is and you want him to be something else... to change for you, to be someone else.

So you don't love him for what he is...
I tend to agree, your boyfriend most likely felt pressured into giving up drink for you and on examination... didn't really want to.

You can't accept that, or him for who he is and your reltionship is taking a down turn.

You've stated yourself ... it's not that he drinks too much... it's that you don't drink at all... and by your logic.. neither should your boyfriend.

I'm sorry, but, while his mother maybe domineering, it sounds as if you too are domineering and are using emotional blackmail to force your boyfriend to be a different person.

Bad form baby... bad form.

Ok, it sounds like the fault is mostly his, so chuck him... but... with your next boyfriend... try not guilting him into chaning for you.

secret_squirrel

well then girl_in_need it does seem that he needs to sort himself out...even with the best will in the world you're not going to help him do that if he doesnt want to.

His relationship with his mother sounds unhealthy to me, but Im not a mental health professional so what do I know! Driving 35 miles to see her every day after you are married sounds crazy!

Do you really want to marry someone like that? Because you love him isnt a good enough reason on its own...some of the most destructive relationships are maintained out of love. Parental ones especially.

I think you might have to move on and find someone who will put you first.

Also Im not trying to be nasty and no offense girl_in_need but are you sure you havent caused some of this?? Self analysis is a really hard thing to do/bear.

btw I think you had balls to post on here fair play to ya.

KoNiT

secret_squirrel - last post was nicely put.
"girl_in_need"

(but I dont think this is anything to do with it, i dont care about the land)

you don't, she does.....

have talked about marraige, kids etc but he has also said that when we get married he will visit his mother everyday and she lives 35 miles away, why?

'cos he's a fugging tw@.

you've lots of advice & the bias is to get shut of him before harm is done. your only out with him 3 years. Big deal if you work with him, your co-workers will find other gossip b4 too long.

I think you might have to move on and find someone who will put you first.

<< secret_squirrel

I agree with above, find someone new, who doesn't need 15 pints "just to talk".

havent seen him outside of work in 6 weeks

er ...last June?... U sure you ain't on the shelf? Put him down to experience & walk away.

Gordon

Originally posted by girl_in_need
BIZMARK you didnt hit any soft spot at all, your not right at all, everyone is entitled to their opinion you should read andf know all the facts befor eyou intervine

I think it negligent of you to ignore all facts and ideas put forward by the posters here. If you truly want to get advice then you have to listen to the cold hard facts. Unfortunately facts are tricky to tie down on this board of personal issues - so we have to put our ideas forward as facts.

Bizmark's attempted facts about you seem quite justified to me. I am led to sway on the side of Bizmark's ideology concerning your relationship with your boyfriend. I, however cannot be bothered to make any more assumptions because it seems that you are selectively listening so any cutting truths will fall on deaf ears and it saddens me that people posting "need advice" will not listen to the advice they are given on PI.

Can I suggest you girl_in_need to read Bizmark's posts with a clear and open mind. Do not get angry, do not let it rile you because it really does rile you doesn't it? Do not let it fluster you to listen to things that you do not like - just listen, masticate and swallow. Then you can decide whether or not you want to shit it out.

Big Chief

i actually agree pretty much 100% with bizmarks post, and typedef post for that matter

and before you tell me to read the 'whole facts' i have looked through this thread and read it all over just fine, and the way you come off to me is the exact way that bizmark put it down

"MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME" but it seems you only want to listen to what you want to hear (theres a surprise huh? )

To be honest, I think that the 'promise' thing, is simply a way for you to have legitimate reason to hassel your boyfriend about this topic... so, no wonder your relationship is deterioating... you don't accept him for who he is and you want him to be something else... to change for you, to be someone else.

Sometimes people want to be changed, but it doesn't strike me to be the case here.
I'd agree if someone tries to mould their BF or GF into something that they are not, it's a waste of time , it might work in the short term but sooner or later both will be unhappy.
Why engineer that? Better off with someone more compatable if thats whats going on imho.
mm

Shilo

For what it's worth, here's my 'advice'. Actually, it's probably not so much advice as just something to think about.

You can love someone (and be in love with them) to the Nth degree but you can't expect that, just because you do, everything will be all rosy. If this is a relatively recent change in your relationship, then I would honestly try and find out what the root cause is. Six weeks isn't that long, not after being with someone for three years. You can never really know what's going on in someone else's family - not 100% anyway. Ask your BF if there's some kind of family problem that requires him to spend so much time with his mum.

The fact that she doesn't like you is kind of beside the point. (And in fairness, you haven't entirely persuaded me that she DOESN'T like you. She may feel awkward talking to you or concerned that she might say the wrong thing - whatever, I don't know, I just want you to bear in mind that sometimes, not everything is cut and dried. She may be unsure of how you feel about her son, and if his father is dead, then she may well feel over-protective of him, no matter how old he is! Please don't dismiss this out of hand - mothers have some strange ideas it's true, but most of them are rooted in love for their children, however weird it may seem to the outside world.) What my fevered ramblings are trying to convey to you is that your BF has been with you this long, why should he suddenly start taking more heed of his dear old ma if she's been against you from the start? It doesn't make sense. If he's stuck it out this long, there must be something keeping the two of you together.

Two other things: 1) Is the anniversary of his Dad's death around this time of year? It could just be that he and his family are having a tough year coping...
And 2) Do yourself a favour and get over the whole promise thing. I don't mean to be harsh, but we're all just human. We all occasionally say things that we later want to back out of. It doesn't make him any less of a person. I understand that alcohol can be a very tricky and sensitive subject and I'm guessing that if you don't like it you have a good reason but, in as far as is possible, we have to let our loved ones be themselves. If he's not overdoing the drinking, don't worry about it. It sounds more to me like the two of you just need to go out and have fun with friends and family seperately for a bit. You're right, you should be high on his list of priorities, but you should also be able to have some space for yourselves apart from one another. Back off a little and see what happens.

As you say, you can always walk away if it gets too much, but in the meantime, relax, phone him if you can't see him, and spend some time cultivating friends and hobbies of your own.

Good luck with it all, whatever you decide.

Bosco

You can't ask the man to choose between you and his family, and by the sound of things you'd have to win the Lotto or something to get in with them. It's an impossible situation.

Find yourself a less stressfull relationship. Move somewhere where you don't have to go 35 miles to find a man and find yourself someone who'll treat you as well as your current boyfriend treats his mother.

bizmark

The simple fact is this

1.NO ONE should have to give up something they enjoy (if it isnt harming them) for someone else that makes the age old "Pick me or pick that" and no matter the out come will damage the relatesionship

2.Your disreguard for anyone that doesnt agree with you is worrying and surely cant be a good base for a relatesionship im truely amazed it lasted 3 year's

3.MAYBE he's a mammys boy but ever consider you could of drove him back to her ? no i bet you didnt

i could go on but i couldnt be arsed i know even if you still check this post you wont take any of it in
as Gordon said it amazes me that people ask for advice but dont take it or even consider it

But i guess the simple fact is this i have no personal problums never had because i have a pritty open mind to my own short comeings and those of other peoples Consider doing the same "girl in need" when you do you would be amazed the number of annoying habbits etc you more than likely have (much like most people) and can work on fixing them yourself instead of imposeing change on someone else then driveing them away

b3t4

girl_in_need,

I found your posts to be very bitter, jealous and angry.

I would also have to say that the whole "drinking" thing appears a bit beside the point. If I had been in the situation where my boyfriend had said to me that he was giving up drinking or anything for that matter, for me, I'd have told him he was ridicuolous. He never said "I'm giving up drinking for *me*" which is the most important part. I think you were wrong to let him give up drinking for *you*.

Also you say that ye have concidered marriage and kids and the rest. What?? The current situation is bad enough without bringing innocent children into all of this.

My advice would be to step outside your current situation and weigh up the pros and cons. When you have more cons than pros it would really be best for you to concider out of this relationship.

Be honest with yourself no matter how much it hurts.


A.

skittishkitten

Not that this will do any good but I've another opinion to throw out for you. Seems everyone thinks that "the mother" is at the root of the bf's withdrawal . Although this MIGHT be the case I seriously doubt it. After 3 years of total commitment from this person with family getting very little time why would Mommy Dearest SUDDENLY get a new and strangling grip on the BF ? From what I'm reading mommy may not be the cause but simple the excuse . Maybe you get the intense sense of dislike from her because of what HE told HER not what she might be hoping to tell him . If he was totally committed to you for 3 years what could she know or say that he doesn't already know ? You said yourself he's gone back to drinking after promising to give it up ..... is he smoking too ? I think he's uncomfortable with the whole situation and no longer wishes to be in the relationship , however he's to much of a wuss to say anything or make a clean break of it , so he's using Mommy and family in attempts to drive you away.
The towel in the glovebox could have been an honest innocent mistake ..... if he was taking his mother or one of his sisters somewhere .... they had it with them but found it awkward to carry and secretly slipped it in the glovebox and simply forgot to retrieve it at the end of the trip . I'm sure they were throughly embarrassed about it having been found . If it wasn't them then I would suspect it was him , I would think most anyone would be more likely to plant more delicate pieces of clothing for a gf to find and trip out over then something of that nature.
But in all cases and all scenarios it seems that your best bet is to end this relationship. I know you really don't want to .... you've given 3 years of yourself into it .... but look where it's landed you , the BF has spent the last 6 weeks virtually estranged from you and has fallen back into his old life which he seems much more content with. Your not comfortable with that life and chances are it's not going to get any better . I think your going to have to be the strong one here .... make the break , make it fast and clean . Don't waste anymore time chasing something that gives all impressions of not going to happen.
I'm sorry for your pain . I hope life treats you more kindly in the future.

sceptre

Originally posted by girl_in_need
i dont expect to come before his family

Within reason, you should.

Obviously people's families are important to them but you're going out with him, you've discussed marriage, where you're going to live and so on. You're potentially his future family. It'd be one thing if this was some fly by night quick flash in the pan but if it's a serious relationship he's got to prioritise you in some way. Or at least put you on an equal footing for the moment with a view to making you more important in the future. I'm not kidding here - it's quite important. You shouldn't get your way over the needs of the other people in his life all the time but sometimes you should.

As for visiting his mother every day if she's 35 miles away, that's a perfect example of what I'm talking about above. Automatically visiting his mother every day if she lived next door might just be acceptable (actually for me it wouldn't but 35 miles is just nuts, even on a practical level). Is he planning on spending any time with you until after his mother dies?

LegacyUser

Dear Girl-In-Need,

You've recieved a range of advice from the regulars here that's good, some of it excellent. Are your ears open, even if you don't like the advice?

Breaking up with a BF is easier said than done when you have hopes and dreams involved, like you seem to have. I understand your dilemma.

Now it's time to think of yourself first! Based on what you've written I have a few questions you should ask yourself.

1.) Are you willing to be miserable for the rest of your dating life with this 24 year old boy/man?

2.) Can you respect a boy/man that is using his family as an excuse to avoid you? A boy/man that doesn't seem to be honest or respect you enough to say, "it's over between us"?

3.) Do you want to throw away ANY time in your life on someone who does NOT contribute to your happiness?

4.) And, just an extra 'food for thought' question for you to meditate on a little later....What do you think it's like being a boyfriend to you? Extrapolate that question into ...being good friends with you? ....being married to you?

So then,

Men know other men, and in this case, I'd listen to the fellas and the women on this board because they've got insight.

To be honest, I think your man might be seeing another woman and is using his mother as an excuse. Harsh words, I know, but his mother didn't have such a strong and magnetic pull for him a few months ago, did she?

I think you know already the TRUTH and what you have to do next. Leave with dignity and self-respect intact. Stop giving out about it to him, and re-connect with people that like you as soon as possible. Have no time for him. Don't even complain about him to anyone if you can avoid it. *You* take the upper hand for yourself because you deserve a better man than this one will ever be for you. Besides, if he's a mammy's boy, and she really has her hooks into him, your married life would have been unadulterated hell.

I hope you will be brave and get out of this situation. You're strong enough whether you realize it or not. Your BF may not be a truly bad or evil person, but I think you can do much, much better than this.

Your new life is calling!

AL][EN

Seems like that skittishkitten and athena 2000 have given the best advise sofar im in total agreement with them, so I'm not going to waste my time saying things that have been said a million times over already by everyone else. we all know you love this guy but you have to ask yourself is it really worth it. Yea its painful when you go through a breakup espically since you were with him for so long, but its not fair on you or on him to try living in a dream and thats all your doing.

You said it yourself there's only so much that anyone can take before you call it quits, I really am sorry it had to end like this for you but honey trust me if you do decide to break it off with this guy and you know eventually you will have to. you know what comes next it will hurt there will probably be tears and lonelyness but in the end you'll get over him (but you know there's always chocolate and ice cream that always helps)

in the end your the only one that can make that decision and we can keep telling you how it should be till were blue in the face, but until you face your demons and accept in your gonna feel down and out forever.

What ever you decide weather to leave him or stay is up to you there's no such thing as a bad choise. but just think about it for a while you know in the end you'll be alot happier you just need to find the strenght to do it

G'luck
i hope it works out for you