CTYI-Based Stupid Story Thread

Spog

...the big mad spider-like creatures in his mind who, instead of having eight legs, had eight long arms which tended to maul people in a john o'rourke fashion. This mad scientist on his killing spree felt the sudden urge to...

TheAlmightyArse

... join a bookclub. So he took some time out from work and did just that. There he met a man called Juan Gorman. Juan didn't know much of what had gone before, if they were any rules or even general guidleines to the way things worked here. Frankly, he wasn't too bothered, either. Juan's mind was occupied by bigger things. But nothing so big as the gun our scientist friend had levelled at him. It's a shame Juan took this oppurtunity to get shot in the face, because he may have turned out to be quite interesting. Regardless, he did, and just as our scientist was settling back into the bookclub's debate on who was madder, the Necronomicon's Mad Arab or Crime and Punishment's Mad Russian, an event that was to change his life forever took place. What was it? It was this...

ll=llannah

... book which kept appearing and disappearing. It was a small purple book, sitting on a shelf to his left. And it was there one second, gone the next. He blinked and rubbed his eyes, wondering if this marks the end of the phase of his life in which he posessed any sanity. As he watched the book appearing and disappearing, he decided to hold onto the purple book when it appeared, and try to keep hold of it as it disappeared. So he grabbed it, and as it disappeared he found the room disappearing as well.
He was still holding the little purple book, but he was now standing in some place completely different from where he had stood a moment ago. Some place he had never heard of. Gasping, he realized that the book had taken him to . . .

Havelock

inside the mind of a woman, it was a warped and twisted place. Its logic incomprehensable to a man. He cracked up, even the eight armed spider-type creature (whom was male) went crazyer. The damage these two rambling creatures did can clearly be seen if we observe a paticular organiser of a paticular summer activity....

Green Hand Guy

...who took to wearing a bra over his t-shirt. This shocked the people in the local old folks home who refered to him as "One o' dem disgraceful transvestoites what wear women's underwear even though they have a willy." They then called the police who said that...

tibilt

...we have no power over how people like to dress.the investigating seargant was enavailable for comment as he had to go to he laundrette to pick up his lingere.(the detective in question is unmarried and lives alone)anyway, all of this hubbub was soon shadowed by...

Plasticman

...a great big shadow. It was cast by a large seemingly flying object, which was known by those in the business as a "zepplin". The worst thing about this zepplin was the extremely thick heavy cable which hit the woman whose mind was in question. The resulting events (too confusing to relate here) released the horrors of said mind into the world in a way reminiscent of Pandora's Box. Although lucky for the scientist, who escaped into a slightly less chaotic plane of existence, the rest of the world was subjected to the horrors of fashion-craze and over-equality (the state of mind which believes equality is people deferring to you equally), which rampaged through the streets and countrysides, unchecked by borders or natural terrain. All seemed lost until...

Havelock

the legendary RA's formed a valient last stand that was whimiscal at best and over run in minutes, their fleshy parts scattered for miles around. Fortunatly this error made clear the problem the choas attacted order so all one had to do was be chaotic, but not an organised chaotic, a random sontanious kind of chaotic. This killed off all the mind warped demons and heralded the beginning of....

tibilt

C.T.Y.I, the place where chaos is order. but one crisp june day in august, a zepplin was spotted flying over res. many germans were preparing to parachute down and take over spar. that is, unless...

Plasticman

...they miscalculated totally, and it wasn't res or spar, but one of Dublin's many chemical engineering plants (seemingly anyway). What happened to the germans has been censored due to the youth of some of the members of this borad. Suffice to say... they fell in a vat of acid and their horribly warped skeletons were found by the foreman a week later. While the foreman was a tolerating man, he was revolted by the germans efficiency at chocolate-making, as that was what the main purpose of this factory was, and he didn't understand what he was doing wrong (I'm pretty sure it was the acid bit). It was unfortunate he wasn't on hand to ask pointers, but that's beside the point. He found a relatively intact arm hanging over the side of the vat, and being the intelligent man that he was, deducted what happened. He decided to throw a celebratory party, but very few showed up, because it can be quite detrimental to be seen as racist these days (Father Ted has the best lessons), and those who DID show up were offered the latest batch of chocolates, and had their intestines ruptured. But I digress. Back at the not-so-secret HQ of the most diabolical society in the world (not including those worse)...

Havelock

....a society known to the public as....

tibilt

...the special olympics commitee.these evil fiends went undetected for years because...

Havelock

....everyone is afraid to be called a heartless f***ing bastard by critisting the "Make them fell Special for a day" line. Or saying what a shame they have to make the handicapped feel so completely inferior by maginalising them futher in a poorly thought out attempt to do the other and.....

tibilt

...devoid of anymore self-righteous bull****, the evil genius announced his plans to the world to build...

Havelock

......a decive that once activated would absorb all the fun in the world. It worked on the F.L.A.M.E (For Laughter Add More Egotsits) consept. That when ever some thing was fun, other people would kill it by thing to be funnier. It had one weakness known only to a group of deaf, blind, mute absentminded monks (who lived in my sock drawer) and that weakness was.....

tibilt

...sock puppets, grown in the deepest darkest jungles of leitrim. but since these sock puppets were so rare, and no one wanted to go to leitrim, they used their alternative...

Plasticman

...a seemingly never ending pathetic thread in a forum which, while trying to aspire to the level of humour, gradually melts the brain and incites hatred toward those who post regularly. The most logical solution to all problems was the locking of above-mentioned thread, but only one among us has the power to do so. So we must beseech our great deity, the *crash.....



*That means get your ass here and mod Neil.

Liquorice

...LOCKLOCKLOCK and forgive the thread starter for creating such a monster.

tibilt

as much as we may have come to despise what we have created, i feel a certain obligation to at least grant it the dignity of a conclusion.so in ending:


lassie bit little johnny and had to be put down.with a big stick.

Havelock

lassie bit little johnny and had to be put down.with a big stick.

But Lassie survived, and bit the vet and escaped into the wild, where...

Liquorice

Originally posted by Havelock
But Lassie survived, and bit the vet and escaped into the wild, where...

Colm found her, and the rat ball, and returned to the DCU campus on the fateful Thursday evening where this madcap story began. THE END.

stevanavich

..OR IS IT?....

























yes.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Barry Aldwell

Here, for one and all to see, is the Final Special Edition Never to be Shown Again Directors Cut of CTYI: The Story

One Thursday, the CTYI psychology class were in study, and Elaine, their TA, was telling them that they weren't allowed to debate whether Hitler went to Heaven or Hell. Aoife was pointing out how much fun it would be to play tennis with the 'rat-ball'(a morbidly obese rat, a picture of which is in Atkinson and Hilgard's Introduction to Psychology). Just then, two things happened. Colm burst through the door holding the rat-ball, and something smashed through the window. On closer inspection the object that came through the window was a giant orb. A big orb. Which later turned out to be an Auto-Felletio device which started to whirr around on the ground threateningly claiming to be the reincarnation of Hitler, that he had been a Buddist, and his punishment for his evils was to be the device that he was, and to belong to a paticularly unappealing memeber of the CTYI organisation staff. He pleaded that the group would hide him, and he would in return lead them to some hidden Nazi gold. The class where debating the pros and cons, when there was a huge explosion and the door flew off its hinges, slamming into a nearby wall and crushing a small child nearby. From the entrance ran about 10 men clad in black, carrying submachine guns.. they were the dreaded mod police... Behind them followed A giant, rabid wolverine, with jaws like a vice, Teeth as sharp as razors and eyes that burned like flaming torches! Suddenly without warning it pounced on Colm and swallowed the rat-ball. While the wolf devoured Colm's hands, someone clad in a catsuit and a cape burst through the door, ready to save the day. They turned out to be a confused R.A. who thought that the cat suit would give them special superpowers with which they could 1) save Colm 2) the smart little children of the psychology class and 3) survive on cheap cat food for the rest of their days of being a poor university student. Unfortunately, the R.A. was promptly devoured by the wolverine (but it would be terribly embarrased later on to realize that one of the felt ears had been stuck in its fangs.) The dreaded mod police began to laugh so hard that tiny multicolored elves sprouted from their necks, ran about the classroom singing "its a small world after all" and harassed the students by eating their socks and using them to create a mind bending array of colours which started to erase their very minds! But then strange chemicals concocted by med. in the lab gave the elves super-elvish powers to fight off the mind erasing light, but could not protect them from <CRASHSNIP©> HE CAUSED THE PENIS TO EXPLODE! After the dust had settled, where had once stood the almighty phalic symbol, was mere rubble. drawn to anything exciting in the hopes of extinguishing it, willie appeared, covering everybody in manjuice, Garogness and leaflets advertising safe sex and ogra sinn fein. Upon seeing this Catriona declared that all nevermores, and only nevermores, were invited to a special session next August. This announcement caused Fergal to cream his trusty sidekick willy, who responded to this unprecedented act of cruelty by crying his eyes out. Were they tears of joy? I can reveal that they were actually tears tears of insane rage and insanity. The suddenly willie ran off and curled up in a corner chanting: Nurgle is my one and only true lord and i must masticate furiously while atop a bed of women, willie then started to do this, when all of a sudden caitriona bursts in on his bed of women extravaganza and says "willie, there are some students downstairs who need to sign out, and please get out of my bed." All of a sudden, rory burst through the wall carrying a beaten man who went by the name of batman. Then Batman lay on the bed much to willie's dismay. Then, Hugh leaped in from the window with a sword and a head impaled atop it. The head belonged to none other than that annoying guy who carried his guitar around the place and couldn't play it. Willie, fearing he would be next, flew away to discworld where he saw the five elephants and went about systematically scaring them with a mouse given to him by stefana, but not any mouse. this was a giant mutated radioactive mouse that used to live in the cooling towers of chernoble until sean had liberated it, be using expensive swiss cheese elaboratly shaped like a female giant radioactive mouse. But thats a different story, so back to the DCU campus. *odd wavy fade sceen out and new sceen in from 70's era American TV* While all this was going on, a mysterious man in black was sneaking past the RA's un-noticed, none of them could even sense the dreaded guest of doom...Who was he here to see? What was the odd shiney metalic disc he carries with him? Where was he meeting his dangerous and highly trained female contact agent? When would a nosy RA finially catch him? Why would he risk all on this suicidial mission in the Campus of No Return? Because he missed Liz. He then proceded to get kicked off campus, when suddenly, a giany cow dropped out of the sky onto willy, who was unlucky enough to be escorting him out. The cow was well known to accompany a certain generic cartoon character called PULG.... (Pathetic Ugly Loser Girl). however PULG herself was Totally Crushing CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!! But then Neils storm troopers burst in and locked the thread because Someone posted an amaturely photoshopped picture of a hung-over panda.

Barry Aldwell

Meanwhile in the discworld, Willie was waylaid by the infamous C.M.O.T. Dibbler, who convinced him, against all common sense, to eat a whole sausageinabun (TM). Willie then run off screaming, to find he was back in the real world and it was all a dream, that was caused by a gas released by the little auto fellatio thingy,and now back to his own self he looked around and saw that everyone on campus was wandering around upside down. On closer examination he discovered that that he was not upside down (like some of you may have suspected), but rather looking throught a lens. But thats the last we'll ever her of the device or willie. As neil's storm troopers exicuted both for being in so many posts on this thread, so they were no longer funny. But then since they had been summonded to this post they realised that they them selves were no longer funny, so they shot them selves. All this time the annoying people who had only played the beginning of songs in res looked on as behind them and the man, said to be the late brother of mr.ryan, was found feet up in a sock. authorities say it was related to the anti-tree terrorism he was running from his seaplane. The very seaplane that had been known as the "Science Seaplane" until it was stolen by a samurai dressed as a small side salad with no tomato and had to be replaced with a bus. Little did anybody know that this seaplane was armed with the one device that could make an anti-tree terrorism campaign go wrong, a green handed tree monkey, who, when introduced to a wooded area, could bring about the destruction of all trees within a two bus radius using his deadly Banana Gun, that uses walnuts as bullets. Many do not know that walnuts are effective bullets because many people are ignorant buffons who do not attend enough court cases to know that the judicial system does not allow walnut pellets to be carried by monkeys due to their exteme umbrellas. but a falling monkey will generally travel faster than a falling walnut when aimed at the ground from a higher place. But none of this is importaant to the central story of who the anti-tree terrorism where funded by, where they had gotten the highly trained monkey and which trees in paticular they wished to destroy....and why?.....the anti tree terrorism establishment was funded and controlled by the "FBI" - Foliage. Based. Infrastructure. who obtained the highly trained monkey as the outcome of a series of gambling sprees at local clown run casinos in the deep underground layers of Jimmy Carter- who had a specific hatred for trees of the decidious variety, but only those with nuts... for squirrels grow fat on nuts, thus making an inedible meal. Squirrel fat is semi-impossible to digest. The monkey failed in his mission, due to unforeseen complications. His mission was to identify and stike-mark the related deciduos trees for the terrorists secret weapon, spoons.while no one was killed in the ensuing onslaught, many were wounded by the spoon-shrapnel flying through the air. One victim, a clown from surrey said that the monkeys seemed to be taking note of which pieces of spoon shrapnel did the most damage, possibly so they could use this information to build the Ultimate Spoon, a spoon so powerful it would make really really really good spoons look just really good. The one thing they needed to finish this weapon was a whale. a bloody great big whale that could only be obtained from a secret underground scientific laboratory in mexico.all they needed to gain accees was to sleep with the guards. Of course, this would be quite difficult because the guards were unfortunately born with no sex organs due to their blood being infected with a rare substance known only as rory. it's been known to be fatal to cats and can cause brief bouts of annoyance in humans, but the monkeys were invulnerable to its charms because every third sunday they went through a cleansing ritual involving eating three lord of the rings promotional calendars before spinning seven times while wearing a bowler hat and replacing their shoes with dirty socks to further scare the disease away. (But this is unnecessary, seeing as they are monkeys and brilliant and dominant and therefore don't need the cleansing ritual because they are immune, but do it for superstition's sake.) So the monkeys, immune to the disease, infected the guards with the disease, (killing them instantly and very painfully- like listening to its a small world over and over and over and over again.) Now with the guards dead, the path was clear to the great big whale was clear . . . UNTIL . . . the Northern Line train from Paddington to Finchley tore through walls of the complex, at exactly 5:06 in the afternoon. The resulting bouts of insanity interrupted the monkeys disease spreading ritual. In the utter dismay and confusion, the distraught monkeys proceeded to hijack the train, and plow at full speed through the whale. causing even more mayhem because the whale cracked open as the train cut it in half. To the suprise of the gathering crowd, the whale was not a whale but only a trojan horse of sorts. Exactly 789,457,237,347.2 (the monkeys are quick with math) clowns jumped out of the whale, making the monkeys stop the train spattered with fake whale blood and get out to go see what the clowns were doing. To the monkeys' shock and horror, the clowns-while frolicking and juggling and doing the clownish sort of things clowns do- began to perform the monkeys' copyrighted disease-preventing dance! The monkeys promtly sued the clowns (although they are immune to the disease, they are not immune to the spreading let's-sue-people-craze.) Eventually the case was taken from the small courtrooms of mexico, to another small courtroom in Texas, to another court where a trashy news show did a story on it, causing mass media coverage of the case. After many interviews of the clowns and monkeys with Barbara Walters and other such interviewers, it got the publicity it needed to get to the supreme court. When it got there, the Supreme court justice promptly decided that the clowns were actually his long lost family who he had become separated from as a baby while lost in the jungle. He would have died was it not for a friendly pack of Supreme Court Justice's who found him and brought him up to live like one of them. He cleared the clowns of all charges and decided to Award the FBI several big shiny medals and through his contacts in the Jungle (of the pentagon) he increased the funding into the utimate spoon, with off shoot into the develoment of the stealth spoon (you never knew you ate), the smart spoon (knows excatly what to feed you) and using back enginnered Alien technology the Aurora Spoon Project (so secret and powerfula spoon that even when the Utimate Spoon tests where completed and it was in service, the government still denided the existance of the Aurora Spoon). And now we return to the main character in this whole fiasco the one, the only, terry the midget germ (who as everyone remembers was the only witness who didn't have his memory of the alien landings at session one whipped by the MIB), he is at this very moment in a public toilet seeing that Mr. Brown and friends make it to the coast. Unfortunately while he was in there a local scientist went on a mad killing spree after being driven insane by the big mad spider-like creatures in his mind who, instead of having eight legs, had eight long arms which tended to maul people in a john o'rourke fashion. This mad scientist on his killing spree felt the sudden urge to join a bookclub. So he took some time out from work and did just that. There he met a man called Juan Gorman. Juan didn't know much of what had gone before, if they were any rules or even general guidleines to the way things worked here. Frankly, he wasn't too bothered, either. Juan's mind was occupied by bigger things. But nothing so big as the gun our scientist friend had levelled at him. It's a shame Juan took this oppurtunity to get shot in the face, because he may have turned out to be quite interesting. Regardless, he did, and just as our scientist was settling back into the bookclub's debate on who was madder, the Necronomicon's Mad Arab or Crime and Punishment's Mad Russian, an event that was to change his life forever took place. What was it? It was this book which kept appearing and disappearing. It was a small purple book, sitting on a shelf to his left. And it was there one second, gone the next. He blinked and rubbed his eyes, wondering if this marks the end of the phase of his life in which he posessed any sanity. As he watched the book appearing and disappearing, he decided to hold onto the purple book when it appeared, and try to keep hold of it as it disappeared. So he grabbed it, and as it disappeared he found the room disappearing as well. He was still holding the little purple book, but he was now standing in some place completely different from where he had stood a moment ago.

Barry Aldwell

Some place he had never heard of. Gasping, he realized that the book had taken him to inside the mind of a woman, it was a warped and twisted place. Its logic incomprehensable to a man. He cracked up, even the eight armed spider-type creature (whom was male) went crazyer. The damage these two rambling creatures did can clearly be seen if we observe a paticular organiser of a paticular summer activity who took to wearing a bra over his t-shirt. This shocked the people in the local old folks home who refered to him as "One o' dem disgraceful transvestoites what wear women's underwear even though they have a willy." They then called the police who said that we have no power over how people like to dress.the investigating seargant was enavailable for comment as he had to go to he laundrette to pick up his lingere.(the detective in question is unmarried and lives alone)anyway, all of this hubbub was soon shadowed by a great big shadow. It was cast by a large seemingly flying object, which was known by those in the business as a "zepplin". The worst thing about this zepplin was the extremely thick heavy cable which hit the woman whose mind was in question. The resulting events (too confusing to relate here) released the horrors of said mind into the world in a way reminiscent of Pandora's Box. Although lucky for the scientist, who escaped into a slightly less chaotic plane of existence, the rest of the world was subjected to the horrors of fashion-craze and over-equality (the state of mind which believes equality is people deferring to you equally), which rampaged through the streets and countrysides, unchecked by borders or natural terrain. All seemed lost until the legendary RA's formed a valient last stand that was whimiscal at best and over run in minutes, their fleshy parts scattered for miles around. Fortunatly this error made clear the problem the choas attacted order so all one had to do was be chaotic, but not an organised chaotic, a random sontanious kind of chaotic. This killed off all the mind warped demons and heralded the beginning of C.T.Y.I, the place where chaos is order. but one crisp june day in august, a zepplin was spotted flying over res. many germans were preparing to parachute down and take over spar. that is, unless they miscalculated totally, and it wasn't res or spar, but one of Dublin's many chemical engineering plants (seemingly anyway). What happened to the germans has been censored due to the youth of some of the members of this borad. Suffice to say... they fell in a vat of acid and their horribly warped skeletons were found by the foreman a week later. While the foreman was a tolerating man, he was revolted by the germans efficiency at chocolate-making, as that was what the main purpose of this factory was, and he didn't understand what he was doing wrong (I'm pretty sure it was the acid bit). It was unfortunate he wasn't on hand to ask pointers, but that's beside the point. He found a relatively intact arm hanging over the side of the vat, and being the intelligent man that he was, deducted what happened. He decided to throw a celebratory party, but very few showed up, because it can be quite detrimental to be seen as racist these days (Father Ted has the best lessons), and those who DID show up were offered the latest batch of chocolates, and had their intestines ruptured. But I digress. Back at the not-so-secret HQ of the most diabolical society in the world (not including those worse) a society known to the public as the special olympics commitee.these evil fiends went undetected for years because everyone is afraid to be called a heartless f***ing bastard by critisting the "Make them fell Special for a day" line. Or saying what a shame they have to make the handicapped feel so completely inferior by maginalising them futher in a poorly thought out attempt to do the other and devoid of anymore self-righteous bull****, the evil genius announced his plans to the world to build a decive that once activated would absorb all the fun in the world. It worked on the F.L.A.M.E (For Laughter Add More Egotsits) consept. That when ever some thing was fun, other people would kill it by thing to be funnier. It had one weakness known only to a group of deaf, blind, mute absentminded monks (who lived in my sock drawer) and that weakness was sock puppets, grown in the deepest darkest jungles of leitrim. but since these sock puppets were so rare, and no one wanted to go to leitrim, they used their alternative a seemingly never ending pathetic thread in a forum which, while trying to aspire to the level of humour, gradually melts the brain and incites hatred toward those who post regularly. The most logical solution to all problems was the locking of above-mentioned thread, but only one among us has the power to do so. So we must beseech our great deity, the crash LOCKLOCKLOCK and forgive the thread starter for creating such a monster. lassie bit little johnny and had to be put down.with a big stick. But Lassie survived, and bit the vet and escaped into the wild, where Colm found her, and the rat ball, and returned to the DCU campus on the fateful Thursday evening where this madcap story began. THE END. ..OR IS IT?....

























yes.

Originally posted by Scarlett
...LOCKLOCKLOCK and forgive the thread starter for creating such a monster.

I forgive you for creating the thread, but not for the fact that copying and pasting that all made me dumber.

/me walks into wall from the over 20,000 characters of spam

tibilt

i wonder if anyone would bother reading that. staring at the computer for that long could give you cancer.

Crash

Lol, the reason this wasnt locked was because i'd have to read it to see if it deserved locking...so much easier this way

Stephen Forde

...actually tears of pain, as the bacteria from the canteen orange was eating him alive from the inside and the acid from the orange was burning his stomach.He starting squirming on the spot and saw...

Barry Aldwell

Originally posted by Stephen Forde
...actually tears of pain, as the bacteria from the canteen orange was eating him alive from the inside and the acid from the orange was burning his stomach.He starting squirming on the spot and saw...

I hope this is a quote. Are you trying to start this up again? Ever heard of THE END!