funerals

LegacyUser

no one enjoys funerals obviously but i tend to get hysterical at the thought of going to one and would avoid them at all costs. anyway. what should you say when you sympathise with the family? its so hard to know what to say.

Sarky

If you can't think of anything to say, then don't say anything. I made an utter mess of that once. I don't think anyone was impressed.

So just be silent, and give them a hug or something similar. They need support, not witty banter.

mr_angry

I have a terrible habbit of smiling at funerals. I don't know what it is - some sort of compulsion. However, I think very few people have ever noticed. If you seem happy at a funeral, people seem to think you've accepted the passing of the deceased. If not..., well,... they expect grief anyway, don't they?

I've always found that "I'm sorry. I'm sure (s)he is in a better place now" is the greatest of the funeral one-liners. Unless the person was a mass-murdering butcher who was destined for the deepest pit of hell. But that's fairly rare.

What do you mean by "hysterical", by the way?

Silverfish

To be honest, becoming 'hysterical' at the idea of attending a funeral is a bit extreme.

Funerals aren't about you , they're about showing respect to and solidarity with the family of the deceased.

Only one of my friends bothered turning up to my sister's funeral. This really upset me, and my family commented on it.

My friends' excuses? 'We don't really like funerals'

Well, neither do I.

Maybe it would make it easier for you to attend if you think of the hysteria you feel at the thought of attending........then think how much harder it is for the relatives and loved ones of the deceased?

Kinda puts it in perspective.

Even going to the graveside afterwards or sending a wreath or something maybe. And try and keep the usual funeral blahblah to a minumum........just say 'I'm sorry' because, tbh, they've already heard whatever ten million times, shook a hundred hands so you aren't going to stand out really.

fisty

Grow up and accept death as a part of life.

Havelock

Relax, no one bar nercophiliacs enjoy funerals, we all fell uncomfortable. The force the thoughts of our own mortality up most in our mind. Which is never really pleasent, to be blunt. As for what to say, if the person meant somethign to you, let the family know what they did, they've made an impression on your life etc. but keep it short. If they didn't, just offer your condolences politly and maybe offer support if you can. thats all you can do really. We its all I've ever been able to do.

embee

My best friend died of cancer in 2000.
I laughed through her funeral.
People got up and told stories about her and anecdotes and they were truthful about her - she wasnt a saint, she wasnt the most lovely person ever to have lived but she was dear to everyone at the funeral and more than anything else she made people laugh.
I also laughed when the priest alluded to her deep, abiding faith in the Church. She was pretty much an athiest although she actually had some very anti-Catholic views.
The family just want to see who has come to the funeral, they want to hear what s/he meant to you.... why you felt the need to go along and pay your respects etc.

Trojan

It can be enough simply to turn up for the Mass and sit down the back. Everyone deals with the situation in their own way, so it can be enough just to turn up and show your respect.

phobos

Originally posted by Trojan
It can be enough simply to turn up for the Mass and sit down the back. Everyone deals with the situation in their own way, so it can be enough just to turn up and show your respect.

I was just about to say that myself.

I also find funerals very hard to deal with, but I make myself go. As regards knowing what to say, it depends on how well you know the diseased/family/etc. A relative passed away a while back, and I was quite close to them. At the removal, I stood and shook everyone's hand that passed by. Some people that I knew quite well shook my hand, and TBH I didn't even recall them doing so, let alone what they said. However I appreciated them being there.

So don't get caught up trying to gather an award winning few words, because there is none. The fact that you showed up, shows that you have respect, and that is what's important.

;-phobos-)

ToxicPaddy

A very simple phrase works for me..

"Im sorry for your loss" and if you know the family member really well then maybe a hug...

Like everyone here has said, its the turning up to pay your final respects that shows you care..

Embee has the right idea, a funeral is to a degree meant to mourn someones loss but more so its meant to celebrate someones life.. (jeez I sound like a priest )

At my Grandfathers funeral a few years back, there was a huge turnout as he was the local shopkeeper and had that shop for years.. so he knew a lot of people...

But to get away from it all, all the grandkids from about 15 up all say out in the shop on the counter while everyone else was in the back.. talking about what we remember of him and his strange but funny ways.. initially the mood was sober and a few of the younger ones were still fairly upset but within about 20 mins we were all in tears from laughter remembering the things he used to do and say...

Tox

Shiminay

This kinda follows on from Toxic Paddy's post...

You know what's really annoying?
Over 3000 people (possibly more - I wasn't really counting) saying "I'm sorry for your loss" at your dad's funeral when you have no funking idea who these people are and they have no idea who I am apart from "dead guy's son."

Don't get me wrong - I truly appreciated all those people coming to my Dad's funeral all those years ago ('95) and I was quite shocked that my Dad had such an impact upon the world to be able to draw such a HUGE crowd (the taoiseach's aide-de-comp was there cause he couldn't go himself - my dad was a big politics man).

If you are friends with the people, talk to them and don't hit them with the "sorry for your loss" line - it's depressing having to hear it from your friends - whatever about the strangers, you'd expect your friends to have something more to say to you.

I recently went to a mate's mum's funeral. His dad had died some years earlier, I'd never met him, but it's just nasty to have lost both your parents before the age of 25. I went along and I stood beside the coffin and in the middle of the thing I turned to my mate (quietly) and said "You remember the tim I first met your mum?" and we proceeded to have a laugh about it - she was a great woman who's style I really liked and I managed to make him and his sis (who I kinda know) smile whilst looking at their mum laid out. Little things like that make the gravity of the occasion tolerable. That's the kind of thing you need to get through it in one piece.

That's what friends should do at funerals - turn a crappy situation into a bearable one. Tell your mates you'll be giving them a call in a couple of weeks when the fuss has all died down (no pun intended). Call to their house and just see what they have to say after that. Take it from there.

If you're at a funeral of someone you don't really know that well, shake hands, nod, but please don't drop the line! It might seem like I'm making light of things - I'm not, I'm really not. It's one of the worst things I've ever had to go through and started me on the worst spiral down of my life, but I'm back up and over it thanks to my mates. Your mates will get over it too with your help.

Originally posted by Kharn
I recently went to a mate's mum's funeral. His dad had died some years earlier, I'd never met him, but it's just nasty to have lost both your parents before the age of 25. I went along and I stood beside the coffin and in the middle of the thing I turned to my mate (quietly) and said "You remember the tim I first met your mum?" and we proceeded to have a laugh about it - she was a great woman who's style I really liked and I managed to make him and his sis (who I kinda know) smile whilst looking at their mum laid out. Little things like that make the gravity of the occasion tolerable. That's the kind of thing you need to get through it in one piece.

I like that story Some people find it easier than others to know what to say or do.
Just being there is a plus, if you cannot immediately think of something to say.

My Dad died four years ago, and at the time at the top of the Church, the hugs and pats on the back from people I knew meant a lot.
A visit or a call in the weeks afterwards from people who you wouldn't normally see, can be a better way to give support as the days and hours around the funeral itself can be a daze.

It's then that, a good old chat, a laugh and a joke about the person that died matters the most, from my experience

smiles

I remember my nana's funeral, it was during a storm, there was trees down on the way from town out to where the church was, and it meant very few people actually made it out.

I'll always remember how utterly alone I felt because most of my friends were not there.

And the tears freezing on my cheeks as they lowered the coffin.


Fionnuala

Tusky

To put it bluntly, your being selfish , its not about you its about paying respect to the family of the deceased, your not going to be the only person there that is uncomfortable, no-one enjoys funerals !

Mossy Monk

people react differently to the talking to the family bit. when my brother died i couldn't handle any of that sorry for your loss stuff but some of my family really appreciated it. i felt it was a celebration of his life in a way, but that's just me.

at other peoples funerals i have heard people say some of the most incredible things and also some say some pointless things. if you don't know what to say say nothing at all

daveg

I have to go to one today. A good mate of mine's brother drowned. He was only 29