Misc Jokes

Mr E · 29-08-2003 2:59pm #1

Got these in an email today..... (Some oldies, but classics!)

- Dave.

A father asks his ten-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know " the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise you won't tell me." Confused, the father asks what's wrong. "Oh dad", the boy sobs, " When I was six, I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with 'there's no Tooth Fairy ' speech. If you tell me grown-ups don't really f**k, I'll have nothing to live for."

There's an Italian, Frenchman and a Scotsman. The Italian says, "When I've a finished makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy". The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing. When ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstacy".

The Scotsman says, "That's nothing. When I've finished shaggin' ma bird I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe ma willy on the curtain. She hits the f**king roof!!!"

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I want a man, I want a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I want a bike! I want a bike!"

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies. "Dad says I'm gonna get tits too."

Just after Lorenna Bobbit brutally cut off her husband's penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again.

Meanwhile, two Canadians driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned but still quiet the two Canadians drove on. About three miles down the road the one Canadian turned to the other and said, "Man, did you see the size of the dick on that mosquito?"

Teacher tells the class that according to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. She then asked if the class understood what she meant and little Johnny piped up "I'd say that was pretty easy to understand considering how ugly neanderthal women were".

One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.

The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, written larger than the previous day.

Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrawled on the blackboard:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Kappar · 29-08-2003 4:05pm

Some Good, Some not so Good, Some Great, Some not so Great.

Sposs · 29-08-2003 5:27pm

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."