the simpsons, is there anything they can't do?

Calman · 11-09-2003 7:06pm

Got a good one

Homer: "Fiddle dee dee, I stepped on a nail, that'll require and tetanus shot"

Aliminator · 11-09-2003 7:39pm

'Simpson, Homer Simpson, he's a modern......kind of guy. From the, town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut Tree...D'OH! *crash*"

Liquorice · 11-09-2003 7:41pm

"You and your stories. Bart broke my teeth. The nurses are stealing my money. This thing on my neck is getting bigger."

Barry Aldwell · 12-09-2003 7:33pm

The following is a collection of quotes that I was reminded of while sorting through my IRC log collection today.

They don't call me springfield fats because I'm morbidly obese

Do you want your son to be chief justice of the supreme court, or some sleazy stripper?

Can't he be both, like the late earl warren?

Earl warren wasn't a stripper!

Now who's being naieve?

Spill it rummy! Is some blind tiger pinching suds on the side?

Er....yes?

Is this the abraham simpson that wrote the itchy and scratchy script?

Ishy and whazza? You must be some kind of crazy person.

I'm sorry, but I have a substantial cheque here for abraham simpson

Yes, I did the dealie...

I'm going to go back to high school and I'm going to get back my most improved odour trophy!

KKK? That ain't good...

Err... is whacking day over now?

I like my beers cold, and my homosexuals FLAMING!

Oh my god........someone has taken a bite of the giant rice krispie square! Oh, and the waiter's been brutally beaten.

There's your answer, fishbulb.

He doesn't mean to be bad

Now's our chance to be bad

Paddling the school canoe. You'd better believe that's a paddlin'

Kookamunga.....Seattle

Sorry I'm late...SOMEONE cut my brake line.

Well then you should have been here early

Davejpgr · 13-09-2003 8:31pm

If the simpsons couldn't do everything nobody would like them
mmm....sacrelicious

Davejpgr · 13-09-2003 8:39pm

Its just a little dirty its still good, its still good
Its just a little soggy its still good, its still good
Its just a little airborne its still good, its still good

Its gone dad

I know

____________________________
Smithers i think i'm going to donate $1m to the spring field orphanage.................when pigs fly HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(pig flys by window)

mmm..........something
mmm..........invisible cola
mmm..........64 slices of american cheese
mmm..........sacrelicious
isaid that last one already, but im to tired to function well

Homer no function beer well without

twirly sponge · 13-09-2003 10:00pm

mmm...........free goo

mmm...........ovulicious (after eating one of Menjula's fertility pills)

Barry Aldwell · 13-09-2003 11:03pm

"It's 10pm. Do you know where your children are?"
"I told you yesterday, NO!"

"COMMUNAZIS!"

I'll have another bumper one later, hopefully.

Aliminator · 13-09-2003 11:11pm

(after bart sneaks the RHCP outta moe's)
-homer comes in
"ooh! ooh! whatcha lookn at moe? can i look too?"
"yeh, but it'll cost ya."
"my wallet's in the car!"
"he's so stupid. and now back to looking (at nothing)"

So-on · 14-09-2003 12:42am

"Well Chief, don't quit your day job...whatever that is...."

"Uh-oh, I hope I didn't brain my damaged."

"Hah... in your face, space kayote..."

--seriously, totally funny episode....

"Everyone, I have a bomb"
"That's not a bomb... those are hotdogs..... Armor hotdogs"
"What kind of man where's Armor hotdogs?"

mentalimplosion · 14-09-2003 12:44am

you know what sucks about this thread? you think of a line, then you read EVERYone elses' to make sure they haven't already used it, then by the time you're ready to post, you've forgotten it.

so where was i?

''here's five dollars, go buy yourself a suit.''
''yeas, i'll buy a suit. a suit of DRUGS!''

''ow, my heart!''

Barry Aldwell · 14-09-2003 1:47am

Can't believe it wasn't posted earlier.

Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do! We do!
Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the martians under wraps?
We do! We do!
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
We do! We do!
Who robs the cave fish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscars night?
We do! We do!

(A shockingly large amount of the answers are either America or Germany)

Liquorice · 14-09-2003 8:39am

"He's gonna make a tuxedo out of our puppies!"
"Na na na, na na na, na na naaaa"
"BART!"
"Sorry, you gotta admit it's catchy."

Barry Aldwell · 14-09-2003 5:17pm

Burns: Some men hunt for sport,
Others hunt for food,
The only thing I'm hunting for,
Is an outfit that looks good...

See my vest, see my vest,
Made from real gorilla chest,
Feel this sweater, there's no better,
Than authentic Irish setter.

See this hat, 'twas my cat,
My evening wear - vampire bat,
These white slippers are albino
African endangered rhino.

Grizzly bear underwear,
Turtles' necks, I've got my share,
Beret of poodle, on my noodle
It shall rest,

Try my red robin suit,
It comes one breast or two,
See my vest, see my vest,
See my vest.

Like my loafers? Former gophers -
It was that or skin my chauffeurs,
But a greyhound fur tuxedo
Would be best,

So let's prepare these dogs,
Mrs. Potts: Kill two for matching clogs,
Burns: See my vest, see my vest,
Oh please, won't you see my vest

article6 · 14-09-2003 5:50pm

"The one stipulation in the will is that you must spend one night in a haunted house."
"Isn't that a little unusual?"
"... No, it's a standard clause."

"Chief Wiggum PI will return... right now."

"Mr Simpson, how do you respond to the fact that while vandalism is down eighty percent, heavy sack-beatings are up nine hundred percent?"
"Statistics can prove anything. Fourteen percent of all people know that."
"Well, what about allegations that your group causes more crimes than it prevents?"
"Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes..."
"... Touché."

Green Hand Guy · 14-09-2003 9:33pm

Answering Machine Tape: "Hello mama, hello papa, here I am at, camp granada..."
Homer: "Marge! Is Lisa at Camp Granada?"

Wiggum: "Set your nightsticks to clobber!"
Lou: "Hey Chief! My one's stuck on twirl."

"Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from happy land in a gumdrop house on lollipop lane!.....
In case you didn't realise I was being sarcastic."

theymademedoit · 15-09-2003 8:32pm

"a man was found, drained of all his blood, with two puncture holes in his neck. this cape was also found at the crime scene *holds up cape saying dracula*. police are baffled."

"a horrible, tragic earthquake has happened in qua... qualaloom... france today."

"hi, im troy mcclure, you may remember me from such self-help films as Get Confident, Stupid!"

Barry Aldwell · 15-09-2003 10:33pm

You may not think it possible, but MORE SIMPSONS QUOTES! This'll probably be my last. I think I'm getting ink poisoning from writing the quotes on my arm.

Sounds like someone's livin' in the past, man. Contemporise!

Well, you smell terrible sir, good luck to you.

Now, Confederated Slave Holdings. How's that going?

Err, it's...steady

Lets check the old stock ticker. Now, here's where I stopped last, September 1929.

Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this Stock Market Crash!?

Well, sir, it WAS 25 years before I was born.

Oh that's your excuse for everything.

You're just a bunch of yes men, aren't you?

*all agree*

The shrieking sheet lives right down the street

*sounds of screaming*

Ketchup...catsup...ketchup...catsup

Try the old folks home. They practically live in their own filth.

Erm, dad, 10% of 120 Million isn't 12,000.

*CODE BLUE*CODE BLUE*

Not Lenny! NOT LENNY!

God, what's the meaning of life?

I can't tell you that Homer. You'll have to wait until you die.

Awww. I can't wait that long.

What, you can't wait 6 months?

Hey jackass, your voice sounds familiar!

No TV and no beer make Homer something something

Go crazy?

DON'T MIND IF I DO!

Welcome to Itchy and Scratchy land, the amusement park of the future where nothing can possibli go wrong. Er, that's possibly go wrong. That's the first thing that's gone wrong.

I'll have the baby guts

Marge, can you set the oven to cold?

Tis a fine barn, but sure tis no pool English.

D'oheth!

Remember when you got grandpa tarred and feathered?

Sure, that was 20 minutes ago.

Gonna be in the tub for a while.

See all that stuff in there Homer? That's why your robot didn't work.

You have selected Regicide. If you know the name of the King or Queen being murdered, press 1 now. (reminds me of saturday, and Hugh the phone exchange)

You're probably too young to remember the short lived Itchy and Scratchy and Friends Hour. They had to come up with some friends. there's Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Klu Klux Klam.

Roger Myers was universally loved by all, except in 1938, when he produced his highly controversial animated movie "Nazi supermen are our superiors."

Mop and bucket man to the exit of the nauseator. We've got another jumper on the roof of TGI McScratchys. The gift shop is out of Bort license plates.

I wish there was just some hole I could crawl into.

Okay, throw her in the hole.

When you get to hell, tell 'em Itchy sent ya!

And my personal favourite:
It's a handgun! This is the trigger, and this is the part you point at what you want to die.

Green Hand Guy · 16-09-2003 9:05pm

"Ow! My eye! The doctor says I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!"

Barry Aldwell · 17-09-2003 2:46pm

Must......resist......temptation....to......start.....new.....quotes......list

article6 · 17-09-2003 8:00pm

"The next war will not be fought on the battlefield or in the sea. It will be fought in space. Or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. As you leave here today, your duty is clear; to build and maintain those robots."

"All in favour of Springfield Disaster Relief and Perverted Arts Funding bill..." [boos]
"Bill defeated."

"I've said it before and I'll say it again; democracy simply doesn't work. Over the course of his career, a reporter learns things that, for one reason or another, he can't report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so... The following people are gay."

"Local nut Homer Simpson... pictured here with his tongue frozen to a lamp-post..."

"Marge, don't worry. You tried, and you failed. The lesson is: never try."

"I never apologise, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's the way I am."

"Look shocked, and move slowly towards the cake."

I appear to be out of quotes. Ed no think well sleep without.

Liquorice · 23-09-2003 8:02pm

The only thing I'm high on is love for my son and daughters...yes, a little LSD is all I need.

Barry Aldwell · 25-09-2003 6:20pm

Last list evar, t.b.h. I just needed one last fix

"Hello Mr. President. Or Madam. Hopefully Mr. Springfield has been designated NWB, or Nuclear Whipping Boy. in the first moments of a nuclear attack all friendly nations will attack Springfield, to calibrate their missiles. Now, for total security I will eliminate the cameraman"

*draws gun and shoots cameraman*

"Thanks Steve(!)"

"Cesspool on the Potomac"

"Get ready for the end.............Of high prices"

"The Movementarians are nothing but a bunch of rituals and chants designed to take away the money of fools! Now let us say the lord's prayer 50 times, but first let us pass the collection plate."

"Oh Bart, I didn't know you and Jay Leno were bathing a clown"

"Well they are, so make with the loofah or get out"

*to tax emforcement officer* "Can you pay me under the table. I've got a tax problem"

"Full speed ahead, Mr. Moe!"

"The engine room is flling with a clear, non-alcoholic liquid!"

"You mean water?"

"Yeah, that sounds right"

"America's richest, and therefore most trustworty, citizen, C Montgomery Burns"

"1, 2, better not sue!"

"Motherloving sugar"

"You want me to take all sugar out of my products? I might as well change my name back to Hitler"

"You're so well mannered since you got your jaw wired shut"

(muffled) "So horny"

"I don't know what you just said, but I'm sure it was beautiful."

"Pick him up. Go ahead, pick up Homer."

"Were there any valuables in the house?"

"My classic car collection, my original..."

"I'm sorry, this insurance policy only covers real items"

"If this gets out Crazy Clown Airlines will be a laughing stock. Consequently, in exchange for your silence, we are prepared to offer you free flights to anywhere within the US, excluding Alaska and Hawaii, the freak states."

"Because I endangered lives, we get free flights to anywhere in the country!"

"Alaska!"

"Hawaii!"

"Hello MR. THOMPSON!" *stamps on homer's foot*

"I think he's talking to you"

"Free flesh eating bacteria in every box!"

"To prove that they are not fatal, I will now eat this jagged metal Krusty-O"

*eats it and chokes*

"Ah, Krusty, that was a NORMAL Krusty-O"

*meekly* "It's poison"

"I CALL HIM GAMBLOR!"

"Well, according to this, you have been in a mental institution and once attacked President Bush"

"FORMER President Bush!"

*gun shop owner stamps form*

"Highly dangerous? What does that mean?"

"Relax, it means you are only allowed to have a maximum of 3 handguns"

"Holdster, bandoler, speed cocker, silencer, loudener, and this is for shooting down police helicopters."

"Well I don't need to shoot down police helicopters....yet"

"I'd shoot you if I had my gun!"

"I'm a level 4 Vegan. I don't eat anything that casts a shadow."

"What, you mean you don't pocket mulge?"

The I'm-Ona-Rolla-Gay

"I'm an amendment to be, yes an amendment to be, and I hope you're gonna ratify me.

There's a lotta flag burners that have got too much freedom.

I wanna make it legal for policemen to beat 'em

And I'll crush all opposition to me

And I'll make Ted Kennedy pay

If he fights back

I'll say that he's gay"

"I have no room for a yellow bellied freak. Unless that's his affliction, but how and ever."

"Homer, I place the wellbeing of my freaks above all else, so I'm sending you to a vet"

"Dieing would be a coooool thing. Got anythin to say to Jimmy Hendrix?"

"Yes, pick up his dog!"

"This is Colnel Leslie "Hap" Hapablapp! You open this door right now or I'll tear you up like a kleenex at a snot party!"

"You say you're in the Military?"

"Sweet Enola gay, son! Now open up or I'm gonna corpse you up good! Corpse you up, and mail you home to Momma!"

"That fool MacGucket sprayed runway foam all over Chuck Yeager's Acura! now get out there and clean it up, or I'll tear you up like a..........Kleenex at a snot party."

"Ah no, not the Harrier! We've got a war tomorrow!"

"Ah, the glory days of aviation, before every Joe Lunchbox could just wedge themselves behind a lunchtray"

"Are you getting a lot of bugs in your mouth too?"

"......................Yes"

"Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem!"

"See how much Miami want for the Dolphins"

"Sir, they're a football team"

"They'll play what I tell 'me to play. For I am the mayor of Albuquerque!"

"NightBoat: The Crime Solving Boat"

"It's craptacular(!)"

Nuke the Indians
And take their casinos

"Gotta nuke somethin'"

"Touche"

My personal favourite from this batch:
$pringfield (Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Legalised Gambling)

twirly sponge · 26-09-2003 10:56pm

"Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins"
"Homer Simpson, smiling politely"

"My kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide"

Davejpgr · 03-10-2003 9:00pm

I'll show you mad in the morning!
Why you cotton picken'!

<How to tunnel out of prison> Hmm this could be useful
(knocks out book guy and runs)

Must kill Moe
Weeeeeeeeee!
Must kill Moe
Weeeeeeeeee!

The only drug I'm on is love for my son and daughters.
Thats right, a little LSD is all I need.

I just started a fire downtown, and I'm afraid I might do it again!
OK i'll just type that on my invisble typewriter>

Homer, Moe!
ARRGH THE BOOZE!!!

Mr Burns: Ahoyhoy
Homer: Mr. burns, this is hoer simpson, the father of the big quitter, well i'd just like to say I'm a big quiter too. I quit <wink,wink>
Marge: Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking
Homer: so what? aaaaaaaaaaa

Homer: can I have the phonebook for Hokaido Japan
Librarian: Ok here you go
Homer: can I use your phone
Librarian:Is it for a local call?
Homer:nnnnnyyyyyes
<beep,beep,beepbeep,beep,beep,beep,beep,beep,beep,beep,beep,beep,beep,beep,(librarian runs off)beep,beep,beep,beep,beep,beep,beep,beep,beep,beep...>

If I want to find Flanders, I've got to think like flanders
-I'm a big stupid moron who always wears the same stupid sweater and...
THE SPRINGFILD RIVER!

the simpsons, is there anything they can't do?

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