the real lyrics to THAT song

WhiteWashMan

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, alcohol would be it.

The long-term benefits of alcohol have been consistently misunderstood by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own drunken experience.
I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your alcohol tolerance. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your
alcohol tolerance until it's faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself puking in a gutter and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much
alcohol you drank and how fabulous it really was.

You are not as sick as you imagine.

Don't worry about where the next beer is coming from. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to pull a page three model after 15 pints of Stella.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your drink-addled mind, like the unexpected lack of ale in the fridge on some idle Tuesday.

Drink one thing every day that scares you.
Sing badly.

Be reckless when buying other people drinks. Don't put up with people who are reckless when buying yours.

Gargle.

Don't waste your time on shandy.

Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only to the bar.

Make up compliments you received. Return the insults. If you don't succeed in doing this drink more beer.

Keep your old ring pulls. Throw away your old cans.

Wretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know when you might dry-out in you life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 when they would sober up. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still haven't.

Get plenty of kebabs.

Don't be too kind to your liver. You'll hardly miss it when it's gone.

Maybe you'll pull, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll get some bird up the duff, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll enter rehab at 40, maybe you'll dance the nude conga at your 75th University Reunion.

Whatever you do, congratulate yourself far too much and berate others. Your choices are half alcohol influenced. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy someone else's body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what the lads might think of it. It's probably the only time you'll ever pull.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but on the street with a can of Special Brew.

Ignore the directions, don't ever follow them. Do not read beauty magazines, just cut out the pictures and put them on your wall.

Get to know your parents. You never know when you'll have to tap them for some cash.

Be nice to your barman. They're your best link to the bar and the person most likely to stop you getting your head kicked by a bouncer when paralytic in the future.

Understand that favourite drinks come and go, but with a precious flammable few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in strength and consistency because the
older you get, the harder it will be to neck ales like when you were young.

Live in London once, but leave before it makes you a ponce.
Live in Liverpool once, but leave before everything you own gets stolen.

Dribble.

Accept certain inalienable truths:
Beer prices will rise.
Bouncers will throw you out.
You, too, will get a hangover.
And when you do, you'll fantasise that when you were young, prices were reasonable, bouncers couldn't catch you, and hangovers were NEVER as bad as this.

Respect alcoholics.

Don't expect anyone else to buy you a beer.
Maybe you'll have a huge overdraft. Maybe you'll have a wealthy bird. But you never know when either one might stop getting you ****ed.

Don't mess too much with alcopops or by the time you're 25 you will look like a ****.

Be careful whose cheap booze you buy, but be patient with those who supply it Cheap booze is a form of rip-off. Dispensing it is a way of fishing old stock from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the sell-by date and re-selling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the alcohol.

Hecate

only getting that now?

i wrote a better one, sorta tribes related:

Everybody's free(to wear shieldpacks)


Ladies and Gentlemen, of the Tribe of ’99.

Wear shield packs.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, shield packs would be it. The long-term benefits of shield packs have been proved by EM’ers, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of light armour. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of light armour until you’ve been smacked down in a heavy. But trust me, in 2 months, you'll look back at demos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how lame you really were. You are not as l33t as you imagine.

Don't worry about turrets. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to mortar jump on Scarabrae. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your pulse sensors, the kind that drop grenades on you at 4 p.m. on some idle game on Snowblind.

Make one flag run every day that scares you.

Ski.

Don't walk into teamates’ mines. Don't put up with teamates who walk into yours.

Strafe.

Don't waste your time on the generators. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The mission is long and, in the end, it's only with the enemy team.

Remember great caps you made. Forget the time you were 0wned. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old scripts. Throw away your smack pack.

Snipe.

Feel guilty if you don't know what you want to get at the inventory station. The lamest people I know didn't know after a minute what they wanted to do with the inventory station.

Get plenty of repairs. Be kind to your spinfusors. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll join a tribe, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll go on defense, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll capture, maybe you'll “dance!” on your way back to the base. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your frags are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your Jetpack. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

“Dance!”, even if you have nowhere to do it but your own flag room.

“Read the manual ffs!”, even if you don't follow it.

Do not read strategy guides. They will only make you feel lame.

Get to know your team. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your defenders. They're your best chance of capping and the people most likely to stick with you under fire.

Understand that attacks come and go, but a precious few you should smack down. Work hard to bridge the gaps in Dangerous Crossing and Broadside, because the better you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were a newbie.

Live in Leitrim once, but leave before the packet loss makes you insane. Live in Dublin once, but leave before the pings make you soft. Board an APC.

Accept certain inalienable truths: People will have mindless duels. Muppets will use the sniper rifle like a machine gun. You, too, will have a bad game. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you 0wned the other team, people defended, snipers were sneaky and newbies respected the guy in heavy on the flag.

Respect your heavy.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have an energy pack. Maybe you'll have a sensor. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your favourites or by the time you're finished at the inv. station you’ll have been team killed.

Be careful whose APC you board, but be patient with those who pilot it. APC’s are a dangerous form of transport. Piloting it is a way of not mowing down your teamates, avoiding the rocket turrets, painting the right targets and destroying it before the enemy team flies it off the map.

But trust me on the Shield packs.



Hec(chews up Baz Lhurman and spits out the seeds)ate

WhiteWashMan

sorry rob, i dont spend all day gimpng on the internet.
besides, alcohol is more enjoyable than tribes.
come to think of it, lots of things are more ejoyable than tribes.

shouldnt you be studying or something?

Cheez

wwmans one is better simply because its not about tribes which i've heard isn't extreemly good!
still though fair play ta yee id hate to have to listen to that sh1te song and fiddle with the lyrics to make somethin waaay better cause as i stressed be4 that song sucks! HA!

ste

Ohhhhhhh RIDE IT JO {!}

Hecate

funny thing that song...its been knocking round mailing lists on the net for a few months after being in a column in a newspaper. I received the "drink" one through the EM list a few weeks ago and ****ed meself laughing at it...so i decided to do one about tribes cos i was bored and the exam stress was getting to me(lame excuse no.453)....yeh the drink one is funnier...i was never much of a lyricist

Shiminay

Yer man on World Web Radio just read out your one a few minutes ago Eamo...didn't read the Tribes one though Rob...

---

All the best,

Dav
@B^)
homepage.tinet.ie/~davitt

Aquafresh

Heres another one, from planetfortress.com:

Play TF.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, getting an OC-3 fiber optic connect to your gaming rig would be it. The long-term benefits of fiber optic speed have been proved by LPBs everywhere, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own lag filled experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and speed of your computer. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and speed of your computer until you've tried to play Quake on a 486-50. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at screenshots of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how much you really Pwned. You are not as bad as Phat Dragon.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to greande jump from the basement of 2fort5 with 20% health. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the 50% packetloss that blindside you at 9 p.m. on some IGL Thursday.

Do one thing every day that scares your clanmates.

Spam.

Don't mind the flames from other clan. Don't put up with clans that do.

Play all D.

Don't waste your time on ping envy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The match is long and, in the end, it's the team with the most flags AND frags that wins.

Forget all the times you threw the pin and not the grenade. Remember the good air frags. If you have too many air frags to remember, tell me how.

Keep your old demos. Throw away your old Voodoo1.

Respawn camp.

Don't feel guilty if you end up in the enemy's spawn room and spam to keep alive. The good TFers are able to camp my spawn room, hours at a time. Some of the best TFers I know still haven't left.

Get plenty of armor. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're shot off.

Maybe you're l33t, maybe you aren't. Maybe you'll win Dragon Warz, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40 because your wife thinks you play too many video games, maybe you'll both be playing Everquest on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't take losing too seriously, or winning either. Your defense was probably be half assed. So was your offense.

Enjoy your rocket launcher. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid to rocket jump with it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest weapon you'll ever own.

Learn to snipe. Even if you have to shoot your own clanmates playing TP11.

Avoid a Kaizen sniper, even if you have to swim the whole match.

Do not read the Top Ten Clans list. It will only make your clan feel like ****.

Get to know your Engineer. You never know when your dispenser will be gone for good. Be nice to your Piper. They're your last line of defense and the people most likely kill the flag runners.

Understand that clans come and go, but only a respectable few live on in memory. Work hard to bridge the gaps between TF and TFC, because the older it gets, the more you'll miss the people who fragged with you when you were young.

Play in Iron Glove once, but leave before it makes you hard. Play CanalZone Golf once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Circle-Strafe.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Pings will drop. Clans will cheat. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, pings sucked, Clans were noble and respected their leaders.

Respect your leaders.

Don't expect anyone heal you. Maybe you have a good Medic. Maybe you'll have a kick ass scout. But you never know when either one might run out and conc you off the bridge.

Don't mess too much with your binds or by the time you're done you will overflow everytime you connect to a server.

Be suspicious about the rectangular box in the middle of the ramproom, but be patient with those who disarm it. Discarding packs are a form of territorial ****ing. Picking up packs off a dead guy is a way of fishing ammo from the disposal, wiping off the blood, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the OC-3 fiber optic connect.


Rae =AR=

btw. did anyone notice that the original song is rubbish, or is it just me?