Open me n find out, lazy!

gigglingrat

Tell us a joke. a gud one.

Liquorice

This man walks into a bar on the fifth floor of a hotel. Another man sitting at the bar jumps up and bets him €800 that he can jump out the window, the wind will catch him, lift him up, spin him around and bring him back down through the window. The first man says "That's impossible". "It's not" replies the other, and jumps out the window, the wind carries him up, he spins around and comes back in through the window. "Wow" The first man is amazed. He jumps through the window and lands SPLAT on the ground. The barman shakes his head and says "You know what?You can be a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman.".

s0l

There's a guy walking down the street, and he sees a guy with a bannana sticking out of his ear, so he stops him and says
"hey, you've got a bannana in your ear"
the guy takes the bannana out and says
"sorry, I couldn't hear you. I had a bannana in my ear."

mentalimplosion

i know that i'm gonna have to stay with some clean jokes (sigh...) so this kinda sucks


a 6 foot grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, 'hey, i got a drink named after you'. the graashopper looks at him funny and says 'you gotta drink called kevin?'

a rabbit is in a cafe and says, hey, what have ya got to eat? and the waiter says, i got toasted sandwiches. cheese and ham. so the rabbit says, i'll have a cheese. he eats the cheese and calls the waiter over. hey waiter, i'm still hungry, i'll have a ham now. so he eats the ham, collapses on the floor and dies. the waiter is shocked and calls the detective. what's the verdict, dectective? how'd he die? hmmmmm, says the detective. looks like he was mixing his toasties!

Aliminator

No wonder it's the Centre for Talented Youth.
Not Humerous Youth.:D

nosmo

So, yeah, this moderator walks into a topic and LOCKED

Crash

Hugh, stop that. why would i lock this? i mean really?

Mystic Fibrosis

Tumorous Youth?

Spenguin

You don't lock this but you lock my thread???
Geez. Thats really annoying!!

gigglingrat

Y did you write on ur locked 1 Ali?

N y wood u lock this thread? its totally clean...well, til ana came that is..

It wasn't me!

What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic.

No offence to anyone who is by the way. It's just a joke. Please don't ban me. Damn I'm getting banned old school!:horned:

Barry Aldwell

Originally posted by It wasn't me!
Damn I'm getting banned old school!:horned:

Ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?

purplepolkadot

its totally clean...well, til ana came that is..

cos then it got all moist and sticky yeah?


so anyway, Dan the tinker goes to the doctor to get the pill for his 12 year old daughter-
Doc: is she sexually active
Dan: no, she just lies there like her mother!**

**this is one of those txt jokes and i mean no offence to anyone of any denomination.

why did the girl fall off the swing? she had no arms
why couldn't the girl get back onto the swing? she had no legs
why would no-one help the girl back onto the swing? she had no friends
why did the girl have no friends? she was ugly
what did the girl get for her birthday? syphilis

so a woman is in hospital getting a fanny transplant, but the doctors can't start the operation because the replacement **** is reading this.

malecO

Here's one which I found quite funny. Got this in my mail from a friend. BTW please don't accuse me of being a sexist pice of ****.

Here goes:



A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and then the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for,
your husband will get ten times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock
to.

"The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM-- she's the most
beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world,
and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his
is mine."

So, KAZAM--she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a
mild heart attack."

Barry Aldwell

On the subject of risque jokes...

> > Subject: Fw: Jokes that will offend almost everyone...
> >
> >
> > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > > Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special
Olympics?
> > > > >
> > > > > A: Not being retarded
> > > > >
> > > > > ******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q: What's blue and ****s old people?
> > > > >
> > > > > A: Hypothermia
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of
the
> > > > > battered wives' shelter?
> > > > >
> > > > > A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
> > > > >
> > > > > A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
> > > > >
> > > > > A: Something a woman does while a guy is ****ing her.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
> > > > >
> > > > > A: They don't ****ing listen.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
> > > > >
> > > > > A: Gonorrhoea
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
> > > > >
> > > > > A: So women would know what it's like to live with an
irritating
>****
> > > > > once in a while too.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. She rolls her own tampons.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. Better traction in the mud.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at
least
>13
> > > > > years old.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. Marry it.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. Your ass kicked.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at
thirty
>miles
> > > > > an hour.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. You push it to the side before you start eating.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. You know she'll swallow.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education
on
>the
> > > > > same day in Iraq?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish
>wife?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when
it
>is
> > > > > bedtime?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the
>house?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
> > > > >
> > > > > *******************************************************
> > > > >
> > > > > Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
> > > > >
> > > > > A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
> >

I really should find some less racist friends

Spenguin

Aoife, what dya mean why did I write on my locked thread? That is what you said right? I'm not so good with the whole text talk. I can't write on a locked thread. And it doesn't always matter how clean it is. mine was clean, but it got locked because its a complete TROLL. I wanted it to be deleted, but not locked. Why must people see my failure and not comment on it? i got the worst of both worlds...:(

Liquorice

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was handcuffed to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? He thought it was a game.
Why did the rhinocerous fall out of the tree? He thought he was a monkey.

Why did the girl fall off her bike? Someone threw a fridge at her.
What's funnier than two dead babies in a bin? One dead baby in two bins.
Why do skangers keep pidgeons as pets? To teach the children how to walk.
What do you call a Northsider in a suit? The accused.
What do you call a Southsider in a suit? Defence for the accused.

Green Hand Guy

What do you call a southsider without a brain? Normal.

What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.

What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding it's breath.

A man went to a costume party wearing nothing but a pair of boxers. When asked what he was supposed to be he said, "A premature ejaculation. I came in my pants."

A man is on an airplane and needs to piss but the line for the toilet is too long. Rather than wait he goes into the womens toilets. On the way out he notices three buttons above the sink. He pushes the first one and it squirts soap onto his hands. He pushes the second one and the tap turns on. He pushes the third one and suddenly blacks out. He wakes up in hospital the next morning. "What happened to me?" he asks the nurse. She turns to him and says, "You hit the button for the automatic tampon remover. Your balls are in a jar over there."

Barry Aldwell

Originally posted by Scarlett
What do you call a Northsider in a suit? The accused.

My mother's family has a similar phrase about themselves. In fact, at my Aunt's funeral, when they were all sat in a row (with her coffin in front of them) the joke was "The Usual Suspects." What was even funnier is that they actually looked like the usual suspects.

Squeee

What separates people from animals?.....the Liffey.

How does every racist joke start?....with a glance over your shoulder.

Once there were two Chinese people...........now look at them.

They're shooting the new "fairy liquid" ad on the Northside.....In it the kid goes up to her mother and asks "Mammy, why are your hands so soft"....the mother replies "Coz I'm only bleedin' 12!"

How do you remove a skanger's penis?.........kick his sister in the jaw.

Barry Aldwell

/me can see the Northsider Vs Southsider jokes getting VERY vicious

lordsippa

You all suck.

What's blue, a foot long, and keeps women up all night?
Cot death.


"... so this guy walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch pianist and... woah! Can't tell that one!"

lordsippa

On the point of Northsiders vs. Southsiders a little advice in dealing with the ol' northsiders...

Watch you wallet and always check for your watch <and check your pockets> after hugs.

I kept doing that to kate and christine. I think that explains them hating me.

Squeee

GIR!!!!!!! I'm a North-sider! Hiss! Anywho, I can't see it getting too vicious as I think me and Aisling are the only North-siders on here. We most be super-intelligent though, you were all nurtured by the intellectually stimulating south-side (s******) while me made it outta the ghetto. Now give me you wallets.....NOW!

Havelock

Damn you all telling my jokes! I don't care who told them to you, cause I told them.

lordsippa

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "why the long face?"

stevanavich

i cant be offended by any anti southisde or anti northside jokes, im from the northside living southside...


oh wait,



that means i get offended by both....

dang it.

stevanavich

ok,

two stoners are sitting on a bench at 11oclock at night in a desolate park, one says;

"you know this stuff affects your brain?"

then whilst the other puts his hands on his head he says;

"I can feel front...and back"

Green Hand Guy

I think me and Aisling are the only North-siders on here

Ahem! What about me? I'm a northsider and far more trustworthy than any of those damn funny smelling, stoner, I'm too rich to spend money on anything that might help the world, jealous to hell that we have the presidents house, sister screwing, uncontainably slutty, tight arsed, caviar eating southside ****.

PS I know there are at least two southsiders who don't fit this profile so I apologise for generalising. The rest of you fit my description perfectly though and the country would be better off if we sawed off your side of the city and let it float over to england.

Aliminator

what's wrong with caviar? sushi? cognac? port?

brown thomas? alias tom?
you're all just jealous

sister screwing? (i believe it's the N-side where a kick in hte sister's jaw removes the brother's crotch)

uncontainable sluttiness? are u sure u're talking about hte right side here. we don't have 20 yr old mothers of 4,5

we would be better off in england. least their currency is worth something. and they have BBC and CH4. decent channels when it comes to politics, and documentarys (u forgot those in ur descriptions. n-siders talk about ppl, s-siders talk about politics and business)

:D mags :D

Originally posted by Aliminator
we don't have 20 yr old mothers of 4,5

Um, yes we do. Quite a few. Depends where on the Southside you go.

I hate this Northside-Southside stuff. It's ridiculous.