"I like you as a friend"

LegacyUser

As a 22 year old male with very limited experience in relationships I have come to a conclusion.

The other night I had yet another person who I've like for a long time turn around and give me the "I like you as a friend" talk, when I finally struck up the courage to make a move. Out of the 10+ moves I've made in my entire life, all but two of them resulted in this kind of response. Usually when I make a move it will be with someone that I know very well, and I know for sure that the person appreciates my company. I have loads of female friends, all of which ask me out (to socialise) on a regular basis. However I have some attractive male friends, which I'm starting to think are the only reason why I've hung on to a lot of the female ones (I'm the bridge). A lot of these female friends of mine tend to throw themselves at more attractive men without even getting to know them. Some of these will turn in to full fledged relationships and others will be one night stands. But on a regular basis they will remind me how much I mean to them.

So my conclusion is that "I like you as a friend" really means "You are not attractive enough to go out with, but I like your personality so I want to keep you as a friend". So from that I believe that "looks are everthing" when it comes to relationships. Personality will get you "friends", but looks will get you everything else. Friends are important, but when everyone is gone home, it would be nice for once to have someone who doesn't have to leave.

I would like to hear if people agree with my conclusion, or not. Also I would prefer if people posted anonymously & honest, instead of revealing themselves and talking rubbish. It's up to you what you do, but please be honest.

Thank You

Boston

weman who needs them... god i'm so lonely

azezil

I tried going out with someone for their personality, it just didn't work for me. There has to be some bit of a physical attraction, but looks are not everything, they just get your foot in the door.

Zombrex

so you are saying that you have made 10 moves in your life and 2 resulted in a relationship

that doesn't sound too bad to me ... in fact it sounds quite good ... I have made hundreds of moves, from being drunk in a night club, to feeling up my friends sister (not a good idea) and I have had only a few long term relationships

it is just the life of single men, that society put the burden of the "first move" on ... I don't think it shows you are particualarly unattractive or anything. I think you should probably just be meeting more women and making more moves

As for "I like you as a friend" ... I would of thought that the meaning of that was obvious ... "you are a nice person and I like being your friend, but I am not attracted to you" ... its a kinda "does-exactly-what-it-says-on-the-tin" phrase

But just because someone says they aren't attracted to you, doesn't mean you aren't attractive ... I wouldn't take it personally ... it is just apples and oranges .. I have friends going out with girls who I don't find attractive at all, but they must do something for my friends (no pun intended)

And I would wonder about your female friend who throw themselves at your male friends, how many of them actually are happy with what they got? Just because someone is initally attracted to someones, doesn't mean it is all roses ... once the inital attraction is over and done with, some realise they actually can't stand the other person. All I hear day in day out from my female friends is how they can't find a decent man, and it is really just because they throw themselves at the first good looking guy who walks in the door, then realise they actually have nothing in common, or worse he is a bastard.

Anyways I don't think you should be worrying about dying alone just yet ... maybe you should find a better standard of girl to ask out

Typedef

Tart yourself up.

Maybe get a chest wig....

Heresy

What's stopping a friendship turning into something more?
I'd imagine if you were good friends with a girl for a period of time that allowed ye to get to know each other well, going to the next level would be a fairly normal and natural thing to do.
Don't read into what other people say too deeply.

Hobbes

Here is what you do.

1. Ignore her painstaking details about how her "Boyfriend doesn't understand her". Talk about other women.

2. Get someone who she will not like. Talk about her all the time and how great she is.

3. If the girl in question is playing along have her tell her that your good in bed and the best thing ever.

4. Wait until she makes a pass.

Or just ignore her and go find someone else.. or rent when harry met sally, although I think chasing Amy is better.

Oswald Osbourne

Originally posted by Wicknight
so you are saying that you have made 10 moves in your life and 2 resulted in a relationship

I think what he means is 8/10 have resisted him even making the move on them when he attempted it and have even incorporated the old 'I like you as friend' conversation killer as a bonus. T.B.H. those are very bad stats considering he had scouted them out first!

But to answer the question I would definetly read 'I like you as a friend' as 'I am not attracted to you emotionally or physically.'

Typedef

Originally posted by Hobbes
Or just ignore her and go find someone else.. or rent when harry met sally, although I think chasing Amy is better.

In the genre, you can't fail to mention.
"Moonstruck" and of course "Four Weddings"

The Corinthian

Originally posted by JustCurious
So my conclusion is that "I like you as a friend" really means "You are not attractive enough to go out with, but I like your personality so I want to keep you as a friend". So from that I believe that "looks are everthing" when it comes to relationships.

It’s probably a little unfair to say that looks are everything in a relationship. You can find yourself in a relationship with a stunner, but it’s unlikely to last long if your personalities don’t mesh well.

You may be failing because you exude lack of confidence and asexuality - after all, if you admit yourself that you’re need building up before popping the question, then it’s probably not your physical appearance that’s letting you down.

Finally, it depends also on how you make your move. You could be coming across badly (or as desperate) or forcing her into a corner where she has to decide to be with you or not (thus she’ll go for the safe option).

In fairness, it’s mainly about confidence and approach than physical appearance. I’d concentrate on refining that rather than resigning myself to a life of ugly solitude if I were you.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

ferdi

in a relationship looks arnt everything but in trying to ask someone out they would account for a good 60%.

you standards are probably too high or something.

if people dont fancy you and threr for wont get with you, they arnt being shallow, there being totally normal people.

Crucifix

I'd say make your move earlier. I also tend to wait til I really know someone til make a move, but usually that just means you've fallen into the role of "Good friend" in the ladies mind, so you've got to take the risk and strike while the iron is relatively hot.

echomadman

Part of me agrees withthe corinthian et. al.

the other part of me says to read this http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

(its not porn, despite the allusions of the
URL )

phoenix2181

95% of girls are cold heartless wenches...that couln't give a rats about your feelings...most are out to have a good time on your hard earned cash....sorry to sound cynical but thats all I have discovered since I've been on the scene so to speak

:mad:

Hobbes

prehaps you are in the wrong part of the scene then?

phoenix2181

Hobbes prehaps you are in the wrong part of the scene then?

How So??? oh wise one??? :horned:

LegacyUser

Firstly thanks everyone for the replies

Originally posted by The Corinthian
You may be failing because you exude lack of confidence and asexuality - after all, if you admit yourself that you’re need building up before popping the question, then it’s probably not your physical appearance that’s letting you down.

Well TBH I wouldn't class myself as an overly confident person. I excel at work, and am quite confident in the work I do, but apart from that I don't think that highly of myself. When I say I've made 10+ moves, it could be higher but I've lost count; but know that it has to be less than 20. Though I have lots of female friends, I couldn't make a move earlier than I do. For the simple reason that most of them I know wouldn't go near me when they first met me (well I think so anyway), but after they get to know me they seem to appreciate my company. I calculate the situation immensely before I make my move, I have to know the following

1) Could I see a future with this person (short or long, ie. does our personalities mesh)
2) Has this person given any signs of interest in me (that way)

I will not make any sort of move until I at least have answered the above. I am also a few stone overweight, which I'm beginning to think has a lot to do with the high rate of rejection. However I have taken on board the possibility that "I exude a lack of confidence". One of my female friends was someone who I was attracted to since the first moment I saw her. Initially I didn't think she was anywhere near my league. To my surprise I got on with her extremely well, and we made good friends. She was single most of the time, and expressed an interest in me. I made a move and she shot me down. We continued to be friends, and she (what I can only describe as) "prick teased" me for about 2 years. I was besotted by this girl, and wasn't going to give up. But after two years of the same ol ****e, I decided enough was enough. During the two years she would have shifted friends of mine in front of me, and boast about it afterwards. But I was young(er), and have perhaps burried this lesson learned about women quite deeply from this one person alone.

As some of you have said men generally make the first move. In the two relationships I've been in so far, would you believe it was the women who actually kissed me first. The first one I saw coming, but the second caught me right off guard.

I am willing to accept that my issues may have more to do with self confidence, but it's difficult to do anything about it, when you have women constantly telling you that they think your friends are absolute rides, and to introduce everyone. I've had women come up to us in clubs and see myself and my mates (male) talking, and ask everyone except me to dance. That happened recently and really hurt. My friends felt my pain and changed the subject quickly. When you see things like that happening how can I base it on anything other than looks.

It's not easy. But I don't expect it to be, but surely someone could cut me some slack for once, because I feel like I'm being kicked down and kicked down and....time and time again.

Thanks for listening

CivilServant

Originally posted by Hobbes
1. Ignore her painstaking details about how her "Boyfriend doesn't understand her". Talk about other women.

Yes. This is the correct response to "I like you as a friend". Slag her, tease her, mess her up. Meet some different women. Do you value the"friend"ship more or hooking up?

You also say you've attractive male friends and that could be a reason some of your female friends are there. Why don't you get your "female" friends to try and hook you up with some of their mates? If they do truely like you as a friend, they'll have no problem.

On a side note, having female friends helps when you're chatting with other women. Try and use that to your advantage.

simu

the other part of me says to read this http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

Hillarious!

He should publish it as a self-help guide!

nuvolari

if they don't fancy you, they don't fancy you. all part of the sucky ways of the world.

and perhaps the reason that you get to become such good friends is that there's no spark ie, she can relax around you.

but this won't always be the case, sometimes these things do work out. the key is to not be too preocupied with it

BrianD3

I am willing to accept that my issues may have more to do with self confidence, but it's difficult to do anything about it

Difficult, but not impossible. You say you're a few stone overweight. That is something that you *can* do something about with a bit of work. I would almost guarantee you that if you manage to lose some weight, your self esteem will improve, and you'll start to feel more confident and attractive. Women will pick up on this. Ironically, they may actually notice your improved confidence more than they notice your improved physical appearance. Although having an improved physical appearance certainly won't do you any harm Plus there are the health benefits associated with losing weight.

BrianD3

ToxicPaddy

Ive given up trying to understand the opposite sex.. just f*cks up
my head when I try to figure out what happened in certain
circumstances...

On 2 different occassions I was friends with girls who started
acting awkard around me and giving me the cold shoulder and
when I confronted them on it, both said that

"they just wanted to be friends and nothing more"

But the thing was, thats all I wanted to be. The fact that we had
been such good friends and mess around so much had actually
caused others (jealous others if u ask me) to start saying that I
was looking for something more than to be friends.. which wasnt
the case at all...

So I sat down with each of these girls and told them so, basically
saying that I didnt want anything more than to be friends, which
they told me is what they wanted, and that no offence but I
wasnt physically attracted to them, which I wasnt but they were
dead sound and one was fairly attractive.. but it didnt matter,
they just didnt do it for me physically..

The reaction:

Neither of them are still in contact with me

The reason:

The didnt want to be anything more than friends, but when I told
them I wasnt attracted to them, they werent interested in being
friends anymore as they only want to be friends with guys who
are attracted to them... f*cking bimbo's... :rolleyes:

sceptre

Originally posted by JustCurious
So my conclusion is that "I like you as a friend" really means "You are not attractive enough to go out with, but I like your personality so I want to keep you as a friend".

T'aint necessarily so. I've a few friends of the female persuasion who are well attractive (& come with their own likeable personalities) that I wouldn't go out with.

Bard

Originally posted by echomadman
the other part of me says to read this http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

I went to that, read the "Yes Virginia, They All Want to Bang You" page and decided that the author had either been burned quite a lot before or was full of shit, or both.

I'm plumping for both.

He makes some good points alright, and makes them well... it's just that I generally find myself disagreeing with him - especially on that particular page...

Anyway...

On the side, I've a friend who's suddenly decided she's attracted to me and keeps texting me asking me would I consider going out with her. I think I've told her "sorry I'm not interested" at least 4 times now but the message just hasn't gotten through.

The reason I don't want to go out with her isn't particularly that I value her friendship too much or any of that, it's simply that I don't find her attractive - either physically or mentally. She's a good laugh to hang around with from time to time but that's about it. (I guess she's more of a "friend of a friend" than just a friend, in fairness, but the example still stands...)

Perhaps if the friend you're attracted to was totally honest with you they'd tell you something like that. Don't get too hung up on the physical attractiveness thing though... for 2 reasons ... A> there's probably very little you can do about that... and B> superficiality sucks ass.

By the way - ... nice reply there, Corinthian. Kudos!

Cake Fiend

Originally posted by JustCurious
Well TBH I wouldn't class myself as an overly confident person.

There's your main problem.

I am also a few stone overweight

There's your secondary problem, leading to your first problem.

First thing to do, give up on that girl (easier said than done maybe, I don't know your situation). We've all been there, some more than others, it's not worth wasting time over.

Lose a bit of weight. Not just to improve your possible physical attractiveness, but mainly to improve your confidence (also, gyms and workout classes are great places to meet new (hot) people - take up a martial art or sport if you would be embarrassed by going to the gym)

I personally don't tend to bother with the whole 'meaningful relationship' business. You're 22, you have the rest of your life to find a wife, now is the time to have fun. Also, in my experience, younger women can be just as "shallow" (for want of a better word) as young men. They want a bit of excitement, they often seem to gravitate toward the more outgoing, confident type rather than the shy type. (Also, have a quick read through this to make sure you don't fit the profile.) Surprisingly enough, women are often attracted to attractive men (although there are plenty of fine things going around with mingers on their arm, the purpose of which was only recently unveiled to me).

I'm no cassanova, and I sure as hell am not someone who exudes vast quantities of confidence, but I've learnt enough by now to know that this kind of thing is NOT IMPORTANT in the long run. How much use that advice is to you right now is debatable, but try to think about it.

In summary: try to move on, put a priority on improving your personal confidence (this will pay dividends) and don't worry too much about your physical attractiveness, it matters less than you think.