Argh! Women help!

Introspective

Alright, finially after several months of going out my girlfriend and my self are having a problem. Its a lack of communication, but it's her who won't talk. For a few weeks I had been trying to get her to talk about some serious issues but she kept avoiding and changing topic, or kissing me to shut me up. But the other night I forced the issue, she cried, she begged and pleaded, not to have to talk.

IS this normal for women? I have had several relationships and the majority of my friends are women, and I have never seen a sceen like this. Anyway, I was concerned why she didn't want to talk. So I pressed on, asking her what she wanted out our relationship, claification on what I meant to her and all the usal stuff a man like me (insecure, is the word you are all looking for). Then however she tells me that

(A) She doesn't love me
(B) Doesn't want a serious relationship
(C) Wants to be with me
(D) Doesn't know what she wants
(E) Doesn't want to break up with me
(F) Doesn't Trust me (as in wouldn't confide in me)

So I'm thinking to myself, here is a woman I am mad about, totally in love with, her presence awes me, and she doesn't/know or care about me, doesn't trust me. And I am forced to wonder is there any point going on with it. I feel like all I'm doing is prelonging the enivatable. But I really don't want to break up, I love her, she makes every day amaizing, just thinking about her makes me smile to my self. She says she could fall in love with me, but I'm really afraid of getting hurt worse as the days and weeks go past. I really just need to talk about this, needed to write it down. Thanks

Intro

embee

Hmmm...

She sounds like she has intimacy issues and would probably benefit from some psychotherapy.... You said you have been with her for several months and yet she doesnt love you and doesnt trust you. You sound like a nice enough chap so I really think its beyond your abilities to try and help her.... And you said you didnt want to get hurt but you already are or you wouldnt have posted....

Give her some space..... It would probably be best for both of ye if ye werent involved until she managed to deal... perhaps maybe the intensity of your feelings for her have swamped her a little and made her edgy.....

I dont really know what to suggest otherwise...

Good Luck though.

Beruthiel

(A) She doesn't love me

then why is she with you?

(B) Doesn't want a serious relationship

fair enough, she wants to take her time

(C) Wants to be with me

why?

(D) Doesn't know what she wants

I get that one, but it's not much help to you I'm afraid

(E) Doesn't want to break up with me

ok, but if she doesn't love you then why is she with you?
does she believe it could grow into love?

(F) Doesn't Trust me (as in wouldn't confide in me)

I seriously don't understand the point of being with someone if you cannot trust and confide in them. Did you do something for her not to trust you?
If she was with someone else before you and they turned out not to be trustworthy, fair enough - however, there is no need for her to carry that into your relationship, you are not answerable for someone elses mistakes.

but I'm really afraid of getting hurt worse as the days and weeks go past.

yup, the more you get into her the worse it will hurt if she doesn't eventually settle down and get her head around whatever it is that's bothering her.
I'm afraid the decision of staying or going is down to you, but it seems to me that something is bothering her, otherwise, why is she so confused?

Introspective

Did you do something for her not to trust you?

No, never. The only thing I can think of is that she once remarked that I don't take anything seriously. But thats only stuff that is bad in my life, I make light of it usally, to disarm it. Never rediculed anything she siad or did, always really listen when she talks.

then why is she with you?

I have no idea, and if its something fickle then I worry. Because one day I may not do/wear/say "it" or what ever and she'll realise that there is nothing there for her.

*Sigh*

Beruthiel

normally I would suggest that you talk to her, but as you have done that without success perhaps embee is correct, maybe she needs to see someone. Have you asked her straight out why she doesn’t trust you? The reason you have given me is not good enough, everyone tends to make light of the bad situations in their lives, how else do you cope? It definitely doesn’t negate the events in any way and anyone with an ounce of sense gets that.

JohnnyBravo

Listen to the woman she sounds angry

ToxicPaddy

Im with the other who replied on this one..

Your g/f or whatever she is needs professional help..

If she refuses this, then my advice is to walk away.. far away as things like this tend to come back and haunt you..

You may be madly in love with this girl now, but if she doesnt love you and doesnt trust you, then her actions towards you are gonna cause more friction, hassle and fights than you know.
As it will be frustration on your behalf from being left out in the cold on various issues that will cause you to fight with her..

In the end you will either start hating each other, or depression will start creeping in on one party and the other will get dragged down affecting both your lives..

Ive seen something similar but not quiet as complex as this with a guy I went to college with.

He met a girl, she had severe psychological issues which only became apparent after he had been with her a while and fallen for her big time.. In the end she started suffering from depression and dropped out of college and he ended losing the plot and dropping out of college too.. no idea what happened after that as no one ever heard from him again..

Try and help her, but like I said, if she refuses, there is nothing you can do, so just walk away..

Tox

Imposter

I would say she needs to really think about your relationship. I don't think she needs professional help. I think she just sounds confused.

Perhaps some time away from you might get her to do the thinking that she needs to do.

Suggesting this might be a hell of a lot easier than telling the girl that she needs to see a professional about this! If you've been honest with her she should also realise this is the best thing to do for both of ye.

The Corinthian

The_Goose

professional help!!!!!!
i question the type of people replying here!
listen she is scared, ye have been together so long that she thinks this is it, fear of commitment! ask her wat she really wants!!!
a break is always good, lets ye both see how much ye miss each other(not a go off with others but just dont see each other for a week!!!)

Walls

See now, what you did? She said she didn’t want to talk, and you can see why. She doesn’t know what she wants. She’s not clear on to stick it out or to flee, and making her talk about it only compounds the confusion. You’ve happily travelled down the road to a further commitment but she clearly isn’t of the same mind yet. It doesn’t bar it from happening in the future, but right now you’re on your own. Listen and give her the room she needs. If you crowd her or insist on a definite statement you’ll get one, but not necessarily the one you were looking for.

Could you let us in on what the serious issues were, by any chance?

Typedef

Originally posted by Introspective

(A) She doesn't love me
(B) Doesn't want a serious relationship
(C) Wants to be with me
(D) Doesn't know what she wants
(E) Doesn't want to break up with me
(F) Doesn't Trust me (as in wouldn't confide in me)

The Classic give me space line from a chick.

If you're presistent enough, she'll probably have your babies.


Yes, yes. Since she is already amourous with you... all you have to do, is give her time and space... rather like a cat... stalking a small rodent, or bird... Eventually if you're cool about it, she'll fall madly in love with you blah, blah, blah.

Me... I've been there and done that enough times to know that, you've been with one set of tits and ass... you've been with them all... It's the same script... just the actors are different.
So these days... I'm going for hot sex.
Let's face it... it's the cornerstone of every great relationship.

Also.

If you suggest to your chick that you want her to see a shrink be prepaired to.

(A) Sleep on the couch.
(B) Get a good porn mag.
(C) Use the porn mag.
Because
(D) Your chances of getting laid in dumpsville... are exactly 'zero'.

Quad Erat Demonstrandum.

qwertyphobia

It's good to see my ex-girlfriend has met someone else now. I hope it works out for both of you.

:rolleyes:


There is not much anyone can say here, any advice telling you to walk away will be ignored because you are obiviously besotited by her and will stay even if you can see clearly the steam roller heading straight for you.

And as for advice on you staying put and hopping things will sort themselves out, they will all miss the central point. Which is none of this is in your control. She needs to decide/sort out what she wants for herself, there is nothing you can do about that to speed it up or influence it.

Sorry I don't think this has been very helpfull but I do think it is more honest about the situation you are in.

Zombrex

Originally posted by Farlo
professional help!!!!!!
i question the type of people replying here!

I second that!

Professional help???

She sounds like a normal girl who was enjoying a nice easy going causal (monogamous is assume) semi-serious fun relationship till he started getting all serious with the "we have to express our undying love" talk that normally makes your partner run to the hills (and rightly so)

They have only been going out a couple of months ...
Introspective, she probably fancys you, has a great time with you and likes being around you ... to be asking her to get serious at this stage is very unfair on her

And by the way what the hell are you doing "forcing the issue" with a girl who is obviously not looking for a serious relationship ... if a girl is begging you not to do something, it is probably a good idea not to do it

You are madly in love with her .. what ever, get over it or break up with her ... and don't force your "mad love" on her, or expect her to feel exactly the same

I don't mean this in a bad way, but the problem/issue is with you, not with her

patch

I think you're wrong there wicknight. Just because the guy loves the girl doesn't mean he has any kind of problem.

It's natural to expect a relationship to progress. If she doesn't, and can't/won't explain why, then the problem clearly is with her.

Original poster: In these cases, all you can do and say is what you feel is right. I personally would have it out with her. It may notbe what you'd like to hear, but sure life is too short to be waiting for a chick to turn into your ideal.

Take some space and clear your head. Just because your getting laid doesn't mean you're happy!

Doodee

Originally posted by Introspective
Alright, finially after several months of going out my girlfriend and my self are having a problem. Its a lack of communication, but it's her who won't talk. For a few weeks I had been trying to get her to talk about some serious issues but she kept avoiding and changing topic, or kissing me to shut me up. But the other night I forced the issue, she cried, she begged and pleaded, not to have to talk.

Maybe she just doesn't see that anything is wrong?
if it is worrying you so much then you will just have to let her know, but it is quite possible that she just doesn't feel like talking. there really is no need to worry,that is just her nature then. then again,if she was having these conversations with you up until a certain time then it would be cause for worry.

i doubt she needs professional help. im sure if she feels that there is need to talk then she will, but if she isn't upset by the lack of communication then why worry. You'll just have to figure it out yourself im afraid.

Zombrex

Originally posted by patch
I think you're wrong there wicknight. Just because the guy loves the girl doesn't mean he has any kind of problem.

...

It's natural to expect a relationship to progress. If she doesn't, and can't/won't explain why, then the problem clearly is with her.

I don't think that is a problem ... the problem is he is upset that she doesn't feel as strongly about the relationship as he does. He seems to require more from her than she wants/is willing to give at this stage. That is not her fault, it is his issue

What I am saying that she shouldn't have to feel as strongly as him. See seems perfectly happy the way things are, he is the one who is unhappy. The problem is really his, and only he can solve it, if he wants to say with her or move on.

She hasn't done anything and shouldn't be responsible for making him happy or unhappy. This issue shouldn't be put on the girlfriends sholders, he has no right to expect anything from her, especially after only a few months.

If she is not making him happy then he should leave, he shouldn't ask her to make him happy by getting more serious than she wants to be ... she will get more serious if she wants to, not because he wants her to.

Silent Grape

she needs to 'see someone' ! christ almighty who do you all think you are?

maybe yer man who posted first is the one who is doing something wrong, (eh, like practically forcing her to 'talk' until she cries???)

hmmm sounds like he's the one whos a sandwich short of a picnic.

i wouldnt trust my boyfriend either to confide in if thats the way he treated me, and if the talking is when HE wanted.

y didnt u just say thatd ud love it if she could confide in you more, that youll listen to her whenever SHES ready to talk, and leave it at that?


christ. men.

BigCon

Without knowing the two people in question my advice is that she will eventually dump you. However as you're in love with her you have to play it out to the very end or you'll wonder what if I haden't broken up with her.
I was in a very similiar situation to this some years ago and I was eventually dumped as I suspected I would be. However, I couldn't bring myself to dump her as I was mad about her at the time. As it turns out I'm glad because I can see now that we weren't meant to be.
Enjoy it while it lasts and if it finishes move on...

DapperGent

Originally posted by Wicknight
I don't think that is a problem ... the problem is he is upset that she doesn't feel as strongly about the relationship as he does. He seems to require more from her than she wants/is willing to give at this stage. That is not her fault, it is his issue

What I am saying that she shouldn't have to feel as strongly as him. See seems perfectly happy the way things are, he is the one who is unhappy. The problem is really his, and only he can solve it, if he wants to say with her or move on.

She hasn't done anything and shouldn't be responsible for making him happy or unhappy. This issue shouldn't be put on the girlfriends sholders, he has no right to expect anything from her, especially after only a few months.

If she is not making him happy then he should leave, he shouldn't ask her to make him happy by getting more serious than she wants to be ... she will get more serious if she wants to, not because he wants her to.

Sense is what that is.

Introspective, if you want to keep your girlfriend you really need to slow down. A few months even a year is nothing in terms of relationship length these days. You can't pull the words "I love you" out of someone because you want them nor can you force them to feel that way. And would they be worth anything if you could? At least she got upset when faced with this stuff so she certainly cares, though not as much as you want her too.

Feeling like you love more than you are loved is one of the worst things in the world it can tear you apart and will certainly make short work of your relationship if you let it.

It takes different people differing amounts of time to be comfortable with a serious relationship. In clichéd terms:

You're moving too fast for me, baby.

I'd keep going the way you were before your fairly ill-advised confrontation and if it's meant to be she'll come to you with all that good stuff sooner than you think.

Then it'll be your turn to be scared. C'est la vie. Or maybe she won't and she'll dump you. Life's rich pageant.

As for the people suggesting a girl who gets upset while discussing fear of commitment and love with her boyfriend should see a shrink. You people are fucking nuts.

Introspective

I didn't think I was forcing her to love me, I wanted to know if she did or not and why either way.

The issues were things like why I had to find out everything in her life from her friends and family. Why she never comes out to me (meaning I travel across the county to see her). What she wanted from the relationship (which I'm still confused about). My feelings that I am only a stand-in boyfriend (she only seems content if we are being physical). Her feelings on a load of topics that she's avoided.

I hadn't thought of it being my problem. But it is in part. Thanks to those who pointed it out in a unbiased way.

This really helped, thank you.

-Introspective