Affairs

greg_f

The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their

passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made

passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes

outside

and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless

complied.

He slipped

into his shoes and drove home.



"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my

secretary

and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up

until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b*stard!

You've been

playing golf!".







The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the

dead

bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he

made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had

ever

seen!

I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to

be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be

saved for posterity."

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He

stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he

showed it to was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened

up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"





The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the

front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil

all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a

statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh,

it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their

bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen

and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the

Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."


:ninja:

Pugsley

First 2 were great, last ones an oldie.

Nice wee list tho, nice-one

Mossy Monk

the last 2 were good, not too fond of the 1st one

sionnach

lol number two is brilliant